Boys Will Be Boys

by AprilW

"Flashlights?"

"Check."

"Face paint?"

"Check."

"Anti-presence detection garments?"

Silence.

Sensing confusion, Jim restated bluntly, "Camouflage clothing?"

"Check."

"Compass?"

"Check."

"Emergency energy supplement bars?"

Dan looked in the gear bag and then at Mart. "Negative. Somebody ate them."

Mart tried to look as innocent as possible. Knowing it was a futile effort, he shrugged his shoulders. "I was in dire need of nutritional sustenance."

"Ski caps?"

"Check."

"Universal…" Jim was interrupted by a knock at his bedroom door. With a curt nod from their fearless leader, the male BWGs stealthily assumed their preplanned positions. Once they were all in place, Jim calmly called, "Come in!"

Trixie, Honey, and Di bounded into Jim’s room to find him in a chair, practicing his harmonica. Brian lounged on the bed scanning the recent edition of Medical Monthly. Mart and Dan were by the computer, in a fierce battle of Ethiopian Ninja and the Pygmy Punx.

"What are the most honorable members of our club up to?" Trixie asked, plopping down on the bed on top of her eldest brother’s stomach.

Brian let out a gasp of pain. He shoved Trixie off of him, then sat in an upright position. "Jeesh, Trix. You could give a fella internal bleeding sitting on him like that!" He yelped again as Trixie whacked him in the ribs.

Trixie sniffed indignantly. "I’ll have you know, Brian Belden, I’m not nearly as sturdy as I used to be."

"So, what are you boys up to?" Honey tactfully changed the conversation.

"Not much. Just sitting around," Jim said nonchalantly.

"I’ve been kicking Mart’s pygmy butt," Dan announced.

"I think you’re delusional, my Ethiopian ninja nemesis!" Mart argued good-naturedly. "I must insist upon a rematch!"

Di giggled. "Gee, I really hate that we’re going to miss a round of the Pygmy Punx, but we’re heading to Crabapple Farm for our sleepover."

"And no boys allowed," Honey sternly added. "You have been officially excluded from our slumber party."

"And here I had my curling iron and eye shadow all packed in my Hello Kitty overnight bag," Dan said, feigning disappointment.

"Well, in that case, Mr. Mangan, we can make exceptions," Trixie replied. "We need live bodies for our…experiments." She gave a sinister laugh.

"No, thanks!" Mart exclaimed. "You all can keep your giggling and hair curlers and leg wax away from us, thank you very much!"

"So exactly what do you girls do at slumber parties?" Jim asked raising a ginger eyebrow. "Aside from all the giggling that keeps everyone else awake at night, that is."

"Lots of stuff," Di explained, her violet eyes wide. "We give each other makeovers and try on weird clothes. We play Truth or Dare. And we talk about boys."

Trixie giggled. "We eat unhealthy portions of pizza and chocolate and guzzle down gallons of carbonated beverages. We listen to music and dance in our underwear. And we talk about boys."

"And we watch chick flicks which wouldn’t interest you because they are violence-free, have a plot, and star incredibly hot guys. And most importantly, we talk about boys," Honey added with a devilish grin.

"So you talk about us," Jim asked, casting a furtive glance in Trixie’s direction.

Trixie snorted. "In your dreams, Frayne." However, a tell-tale blush reddened her cheeks.

"I was of the opinion that my cherished female sibling had a yen for Ben," Mart said. "Perchance it is the jesting Mr. Riker who consumes dear Beatrix’s reveries."

"If you value your life, Mart Belden, you’ll never talk about my ‘yen for Ben’ ever again!" Trixie warned. "That was the worst Thanksgiving of my life!"

"Trixie had a ‘yen for Ben’?" Dan hooted. "I must have been out chopping wood for that one."

"That was before you moved here, Dan. Trixie didn’t actually have a ‘yen for Ben’," Jim replied, his defensive manner catching the attention of everyone but Trixie. "She pretended to like Ben. It’s a long story."

"Yeah, one we don’t need to hear again," Trixie snapped. "I’ve suffered enough for my generosity."

"Trixie has been forever scarred by her Ben experience," Honey retorted.

"But we took care of Ben at our last slumber party," tittered Di. "We made a Ben- voodoo doll and she unleashed her fury upon it."

Brian snorted. "I was wondering how that disfigured Ken doll got all those stick pins in him. Here I blamed it on Bobby."

"That reminds me, have fun with the little monster tonight, girls," Mart said.

Trixie wrinkled her nose. "I thought he was going to be at the Lynch’s with Larry and Terry."

"Ah, yes, but that was before the youngest Belden decided to baptize Mrs. Lynch’s new Himalayan," Mart explained. "Mrs. Lynch was none too pleased at the destruction Fluffy caused trying to evade Esquire Belden’s clutches. She banished Bobby from the Lynch household for a fortnight."

"Oh, poor Fluffy!" Di cried. "Mum simply adores her new cat. I’m sure she was very angry!"

"Gleeps!" Trixie exclaimed. "No wonder you boys wanted to stay here tonight. If we would have known the little horrorcane was going to be home, we would have stayed here instead."

"Bobby is always a perfect angel when we’re there," Honey soothed. "I’m sure he won’t bother us."

Dan chuckled. "If nothing else, Trixie can play the ‘Let’s tie Bobby up and see how long it takes him to get loose’ game. He always enjoys that one."

"Yeah, I’m sure Jim would volunteer to teach her how to tie special knots," Di whispered to Honey. "Love knots, that is."

Trixie jumped up. She was quite talented at reading lips and did not want her almost twin to hear Di’s comments and elaborate. "Well, honorable ones, we are off to indulge in make-up, chocolate, and Ewan McGregor."

"No, Tom Welling," corrected Honey.

"Wrong again," Di giggled. "Matthew McConaughey."

All of the boys, except for Dan who was enjoying his friends’ jealousy, groaned and rolled their eyes.

"You boys all have fun practicing your Boy Scout knots, or studying just for the fun of it, or whatever else you responsible men do," Trixie teased. They said their good-byes and the girls were off to Crabapple Farm.

Jim listened for their footsteps on the stairs while the others watched out the window.

"All clear," Brian affirmed. They resumed their former huddle.

"All right. I think we were on the last item of our checklist," Jim continued. "Universal remote?"

"Check."

Jim paced before them, holding a clipboard in his freckled hand. "We have an important mission, men. This assignment is a covert operation and absolute secrecy must be maintained by all.

"For the past couple of years, the masculine members of the Bob-Whites of the Glen have earned quite a reputation. Responsible. Honorable. Reliable. Unselfish. Dull. Boring. But that’s about to change.

"Tonight, men, we undertake a special mission. We will prove, without a doubt, that we can be spontaneous and impulsive, just as well as the girls. Tonight, we refuse to be the responsible, honorable ones. Tonight, we will be the average teen-aged male. It’s time for Operation Couch Potato!"

 

 

Meanwhile at Crabapple Farm…

"Reinforcements have arrived," Mr. Belden announced as he cheerfully came through the back door to the kitchen. He set down several pizza boxes he was carrying on the counter. He was greeted by a chaste kiss from his lovely wife. "Hey, you can do better than that," he nuzzled in her ear. A cough was her reply. Peter looked up to see his curly headed youngest son sitting at the table, staring at them.

"I thought you were spending the night at Larry and Terry’s, son."

Bobby smiled his most angelic smile. "Boy, Dad, that pizza sure smells good."

Peter loosened his tie and looked at Helen. "Do I even want to know why Bobby is here instead of at the Lynch’s?"

Bobby tried to sneak off, but escape was impossible. Having three older mischievous children before Bobby, Mr. Belden was highly trained in escape tactics. "Stop right there, mister." He looked Bobby square in the eyes. "What did you do now?"

Bobby, having three older mischievous siblings, was highly trained in negotiation tactics. He knew it was best to simply tell the truth and throw yourself at the mercy of the court. "Well, it’s not actually my fault. It was Larry and Terry’s idea." At his father’s stern smirk, he blurted, "Well, maybe it was my idea. I don’t remember. But anyway, we were just sittin’ around and talkin’ about the capsizing they had at the church last Sunday."

Mr. Belden’s moustache twitched. "Do you mean the ‘baptizing’ service?"

Bobby nodded, his blonde curls bobbing. "Yeah, the capsizing. Well, we thought it would be fun to try to capsize someone. Me an’ Larry an’ Terry have already been, and Harrison is too big, so we had to find someone else. We tried to bring Reddy in the house cause he likes water, but Mrs. Lynch yelled at us real good and tolded us not bring that dirty dog in her house. She said a big dog like that didn’t belong inside."

Mr. Belden nodded and tried his best to keep a serious expression. "I can understand that, son. Please continue."

"Well, we tried to tell Mrs. Lynch that Reddy wasn’t that dirty but she made us put him outside. She shoulda just let us, cause after Reddy got capsized he woulda been nice and clean. But we did what she said."

"Somehow I don’t think the story ends there. Go on."

"Well, we had to find a new candied ape…"

"Candidate?" Mr. Belden suggested, finding it impossible to keep the slight smile off his face.

"Yeah, that’s it. A new can-di-date for capsizing. Well, Larry said that his mom might not like dogs in the house, but that she gotted a brand new cat."

Mr. Belden closed his eyes and rubbed his temples. "Would that be Mrs. Lynch’s new purebred Himalayan, that was the daughter of the Cat Fancy Magazine’s best of show champion, that Mr. Lynch paid a fortune for?"

"Well, Dad, I dunno about all that junk. All I know is that Fluffy sure didn’t like it one bit when we putted her in Mrs. Lynch’s big garden tub. I gotted to be the preacher and I stood in there with Fluffy. She wasn’t nice at all, and started clawing me up and squalling something terrible." He showed Mr. Belden his arms, covered with cat scratches. "I dunkded her real good, but then she took off down the hall like a horrorcane! Harrison finally caughted her and blow-dried her fur all up. Then he had to clean up all the glass…"

"Glass?" Peter Belden raised his eyebrows.

"When Fluffy tooked off, she kept running into junk and breaking it. That wasn’t my fault, honest." Bobby batted his large, china blue eyes.

"The ‘junk’ Bobby is referring to is Mrs. Lynch’s priceless Ming vase collection," Mrs. Belden said in a calm voice.

"That’s when Mrs. Lynch threwed me out of the house. She said I can’t come back for a whole two weeks."

Mr. Belden somehow managed a straight face. "Well, Bobby, that’s fair. Later we will discuss your punishment. Now go put some antibacterial cream on those scratches. I hope you learned a valuable lesson."

Bobby sulked to the bathroom. "I sure did," he said, leaving the kitchen. "I learned next time to capsize Fluffy in the pool."

After he made sure his youngest son was out of earshot, Mr. Belden burst out laughing. "What will that kid think up next?" Suddenly the back door slammed open and Trixie, Honey, and Di bounded in the kitchen.

"Gleeps! What’s that yummy pizza smell?" Trixie asked, sniffing the air.

"That is your dinner," Helen Belden explained. "Your father and I are going out to dinner and a movie."

"Oh, woe! Does that mean I’m stuck babysitting Bobby? This is the last slumber party we’ll be able to have before school starts!"

Moms smiled and put her arm around her daughter’s shoulders. "I suppose, just this once, your father and I can take him with us."

"We can?" Mr. Belden asked.

"Oh, Moms! You’re the greatest! I promise to dust every square inch of the entire house tomorrow!" Trixie gave her mother a huge hug. "I just don’t deserve to have a mother like you!" She and the other girls bounded off to her room to set down Honey and Di’s overnight bags.

"Gee, thanks, Helen," Peter said in disappointment. Helen came over to him and wrapped her arms around her husband’s waist.

"I’ll make it up to you later, Peter dear," she whispered in his ear. Peter wiggled his eyebrows at her, dipped her back, and kissed her passionately.
"Now, that’s more like it!" he said with an wicked grin. "Come on, Bobby! Time to go to dinner!"

 

Later on that night…

Trixie, Honey, and Di were in Trixie’s room. Loud music vibrated the walls. Soda cans and empty pizza boxes littered the floor. Honey and Di had performed the miraculous task of convincing Trixie to allow them to make her over. Trixie groaned as Honey piled her sandy curls on top of her head and Di globbed make-up on her face. "It’s hopeless, guys!" she wailed. "You’ll never turn me into a glamour girl!"

Honey whacked her on the shoulder with the hairbrush. "Trixie Belden! Stop being so hard on yourself! You’re a very pretty girl! Why, you don’t need make-up and a fancy hair-do to be glamorous! You’re perfectly perfect just the way you are!"

Trixie snorted. "And I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn… Ouch!" Honey had whacked her a little harder this time.

Di nodded, her silky ebony hair bobbing. "Honey is right. You’re just…just oozing with natural beauty!"

"Yeah, I’m oozing all right… Ouch!" Trixie quickly snatched the brush away from Honey.

"I was finished with it anyway," Honey giggled. She handed the make up mirror to Trixie. "Ta da! Even Dot Murray couldn’t hold a candle to you, Miss Belden!" She hurriedly put a hand to her mouth. She had forgotten what a sore spot the beauty from Iowa was to Trixie.

Trixie sniffed indignantly. "I will thank you kindly not to mention the blonde bimbo’s name in my presence. Liking two kinds of girls indeed! Why, I should have taken that bracelet and… and… Oh, I don’t know what I’d do with it. Darn that Jim Frayne anyway!"

"Well, I think you’re beautiful, Trixie," Honey said honestly.

"And so do I!" Di exclaimed.

"And so does Jim." Trixie gave her honey-haired friend a warning look. "But you need something…" Honey began digging in her overnight bag.

"Oh! I brought just the right thing!" Di furiously searched her bag, as well.

Honey found a large, fuchsia feather boa and draped it along Trixie’s shoulders, much to Trixie’s chagrin. Di triumphantly pulled a glittering tiara out and dramatically placed it on Trixie’s sandy curls.

"I pronounce you Miss America!" she giggled.

Trixie gave another snort. "More like Miss Nonsense, if you ask Jim!"

Honey laughed. "I think we can come up with a better name than that for our dear Beatrix. How about Princess Supple Bling Bling!"

The girls dissolved to the floor in a fit of uncontrollable giggles. When they could finally speak, Trixie asked, "Where in the world did you come up with that name?"

"Well, you are wearing a tiara," Di said, wiping a tear from her violet eyes.

"And you are the supplest of us!" Honey added. "And you’re the only one of us who’s in a D cup!" Honey dodged a pillow that Trixie flung at her.

"Trixie, have you heard the legend of Princess Supple Bling Bling?" Di asked as seriously as she could.

Trixie sighed. "I can’t believe I’m setting myself up for this, but no, Di, I have not heard the legend of (here she wrinkled up her pert nose) Princess Supple Bling Bling."

Di’s eyes twinkled as she began her story. "Long, long ago in a far off kingdom there was a princess named Supple Bling Bling. An awful spell was cast upon her by her spinster aunt. Princess Supple Bling Bling was forced to stay in the highest tower of the castle, busily sewing and knitting every day. Only love’s first kiss could break the fierce spell."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Trixie interrupted. "And she kissed a frog and the spell was broken."

"Now, Trixie," Honey teasingly scolded. "It’s not nice to interrupt. Please continue, Miss Lynch."

"Thank you, Miss Wheeler. I was just getting to the good part. As I said, only love’s first kiss could break the spell. One day, the dreamy Red Woodsman was riding his noble, black steed in the forest. He heard a cry from deep in the woods and raced upon his stallion to the tower. He found Princess Supple Bling Bling suspended from the tower, hanging from a scarf she had knitted. One by one, the purls were coming undone, and the beautiful princess would fall to her doom.

"Quickly, the dreamy Red Woodsman positioned his supple form beneath the tower to catch the princess as she fell. He easily caught the damsel and looked at her fondly. ‘My dear, special Princess,’ the Red…" Di was smacked by Trixie’s other pillow.

"All right!" Trixie exclaimed. "Enough about (once again she wrinkled her nose) Princess Supple Bling Bling and Jim!"

"Jim?" Di asked innocently. "Why, I was talking about Regan. Whatever do you mean, Beatrix?" Once again, Di and Honey collapsed in laughter.

"I much prefer Ewan McGregor," Trixie said, her nose upturned.

"Must be the red hair," Honey stated matter-of-factly.

Trixie ignored her by grabbing a bra off her dresser and filling it with corn chips from the bag lying on her bed.

"Eewww!" Honey squealed. "That is so gross!"

Trixie snickered and ate a chip from her impromptu bowl. "What? It’s clean! Better than dropping crumbs all over my bed. Gotta use those D cups for something." She hastily flung off her feather boa and tiara.

Di spied a postcard lying on Trixie’s dresser and squealed. "Oh! Is this from Hallie?"

Trixie nodded, swallowing a big bite of corn chips. "Yeah. She and her family are on vacation. They went to Sea World, and she knows I like dolphins, so she sent me a postcard."

"I just love dolphins!" Di cooed.

"Did you know that dolphins are the only mammals besides humans that mate for fun? All the others mate purely for reproductive purposes," Honey said matter-of-factly. Trixie and Di looked at Honey in amazement.

"Where did you hear that, Miss Wheeler?" Trixie asked.

"Brian told me. He was studying reproduction for one of his college classes."

"Those Belden boys are such bad influences," Di giggled.

"Exactly what else has my oldest brother been teaching you, Honey?" Trixie asked with a straight face.

"N-n-nothing!" Honey stuttered, her face tinged a becoming beet red. She flushed a deeper shade of crimson as Trixie and Di doubled over laughing.

Mrs. Belden picked that precise moment to knock on the door and come in. "My goodness. It sounds like you girls are having fun. What are you giggling about?"

"Honey was just telling us some interesting facts that Brian told her," Di giggled.

"Yeah, that he learned in college," Trixie added.

"He’ll have to share it with the whole family, since you girls found it so amusing," Mrs. Belden said with a smile. "Who wants some of my homemade fudge?"

"Fudge!!!" all three girls exclaimed, nearly knocking Mrs. Belden down in their haste to retrieve the tasty chocolate.

"Thanks, Moms!" Trixie garbled, her mouth full of fudge. "Your fudge is the best!"

"Did you and Mr. Belden and Bobby have fun while you were out?" Honey asked, daintily eating her piece of the delectable dessert.

"Yes, we had a nice time," Mrs. Belden affirmed. "Diana, please tell your mother how sorry I am about what Bobby did to her cat."

Di laughed. "I’m sure she won’t be mad at Bobby for long, Mrs. Belden. He’s just too cute for anyone to be angry with for long. Besides, I’m sure Daddy wishes Bobby would have drowned Fluffy. They aren’t exactly the best of friends."

"You girls have fun. Bobby is already in bed, and Mr. Belden and I are going to watch TV in our room. You ladies can go downstairs and giggle as loudly as you want to."

"Goodnight, Mrs. Belden," Honey and Di chimed.

"Night, Moms!" Trixie gave her mother a kiss. "Thanks for the yummy fudge!"

"It’s perfectly perfect!" Honey added as Mrs. Belden left the room.

"Gleeps! Moms was sure in a hurry to get to her room!" Trixie exclaimed. "Why, it’s almost mysterious!"

Di and Honey giggled. "Only to you, Trix," Di laughed.

A puzzled expression crossed Trixie’s face. "What do you mean?"

Honey grinned. "I’d hurry off to bed, too, if I had such a hottie husband waiting for me!"

Trixie’s horrified expression made Honey and Di giggle even more. "Yuck! Major ICK factor! My dad is not hot!"

"Yes, he is," the other two girls chorused.

"On the hotness scale of one to ten, Mr. Belden is at least an eleven!" Honey hooted.

"More like a fifteen!" Di exclaimed.

"Yeah, those dreamy brown eyes and that dark, wavy hair." Honey sighed. "Just like…"

"Just like who?" Di prompted.

"Just like my oldest brother, perhaps?" Trixie giggled, poking Honey in the ribs with her elbow.

"Gee, I wonder what the boys are doing now," Honey stated, her mind obviously straying to a certain tall, dark, and handsome member of their club.

"Mart is probably eating," Di tittered. Her mind was apparently on a different male BWG.

Trixie chortled. "Knowing Jim, the boys are probably doing something very honorable. They are probably sharpening their pencils in anticipation of the beginning of the fall term next month. Or maybe making a birdfeeder out of a pinecone and peanut butter."

Honey laughed. "You’re probably right, Trixie. I’m sure they are being responsible Bob-whites this very moment!"

 

Meanwhile after dark…

"Do you have to hum the tune to ‘Mission Impossible’?" Dan whispered, poking Mart slightly in the ribs.

"For your information, Mr. Mangan, this melodious anthem is propagating the ambience essential for our ambiguous mission," Mart quite eloquently stated, adjusting the green ski cap over his newly grown blonde curls. He had heard through the grapevine (actually the air duct during a slumber party) that a certain violet eyed brunette favored blond curls to a buzz cut. Since that night, he had forsaken his crew cut and let his hair grow.

"Did I get enough of this paint on?" Brian asked, shining a light on his green and black covered face.

Jim curtly nodded. "I think everyone is well camouflaged. Let’s hurry down to Brian’s jalopy."

Brian still had the old car he purchased from Mr. Lytell. It was becoming quite an eyesore, much to the chagrin of Mr. Belden. Tom Delanoy had offered to teach Brian the basics of automotive refinishing in a blatant attempt to get the rusting old heap sanded and repainted, but lately Brian had been too busy. The paint scheme currently consisted of more primer and Bondo than paint and metal. The original color was indeterminable, since the paint it did have was coated with rust. Mr. Belden had been "encouraging" Brian to plunge in and refinish it, since the jalopy was the first thing one saw when they pulled into Crabapple Farm. Nonetheless, Brian loved his car, rust, primer, and all.

The four males were clothed head to foot in camouflaged gear. Military face paint covered their handsome faces. They stealthily moved in the darkness to Brian’s old car, totally undetected by the Manor House residents. As quietly as possible, Brian hopped in the driver’s seat and the rest of the boys pushed the jalopy to the edge of the driveway. They jumped in and shut the doors while the car coasted silently down the hill. At the bottom of the hill, Brian started it up, and they drove past the driveway to Crabapple Farm.

"Hope the girls didn’t hear us start her up," Dan commented. "You know how Trixie is. If she thinks anything mysterious is going on, we’ll have Schoolgirl Shamuses on our tails."

"They’ll be too busy giggling to notice us," Jim assured.

"Yeah," Brian agreed. "When those girls get together, they make so much noise that you can’t hear yourself think."

"I worry more about our maternal and paternal caregivers," Mart said.

"We’re covered there," Brian replied. "It’s Friday night."

A quizzical look passed Dan’s face. "What’s that got to do with it?"

"Coincidentally, Mart, Trixie, Bobby, and I were all conceived on a Friday night," Brian explained.

"Ah, yes. I forgot that our overly amorous forbearers regularly partake of nocturnal pleasures on the sixth day of the week," Mart elaborated.

Still seeing the puzzled looks on Jim and Dan’s faces, Brian said bluntly, "That’s the night they scrog."

Jim covered his ears. "Too much information, Brian! That’s a little more than I wanted to know about the Belden family!"

Meanwhile, Dan hooted with laughter. "Scrogged?! I’ve never heard it called that before!" He continued to chuckle as Brian’s jalopy made its way down Glen Road.

Brian pulled over to a wide spot on the road hidden by trees. He parked the car and they ran down the road on foot. Soon they came upon Mr. Lytell’s store and house. They silently crept up to the house and peered in the living room window. Mr. Lytell was sitting on the couch, still dressed primly in his trousers and button down shirt that he wore in the store. He was watching reading the evening paper and watching Wheel of Fortune.

The male BWGs looked at each other and nodded. "Let Operation Couch Potato begin," Jim whispered. He motioned to Dan who was carrying the equipment bag.

"Are you guys sure about this?" Dan quietly asked. "If my probation officer hears about this, I could get in a lot of trouble."

"Nobody will ever know it’s us," Mart assured.

"Come on, Dan," Jim prodded. "This is our only chance to be wild and crazy. Aren’t you sick of being called honorable and responsible?"

Dan thought for a moment, carefully weighing his options. "All right. Let’s do it!" He dug in the bag and found the equipment he was searching for. Finding it, he handed it to Brian. "Here, Mr. Responsible. You first."

Brian hesitated momentarily then grabbed the object from Dan’s hand. "If we get thrown in jail for this Jim,…"

Mart silently chuckled. "Mr. Responsible is going to chicken out!"

Brian glared at his younger brother, and pointed the item in Mr. Lytell’s window. "Here goes nothing…"

The boys watched as Mr. Lytell jumped in surprise. The old man squinted his eyes and then rubbed them. He curiously peered at the television set before him. One moment, he had been staring at Vanna White turning over lit up tiles. The next, he was watching some bunch of hoodlums sing and dance in their underwear on a stage.

Brian laughed so hard that he nearly dropped the universal remote in his hand. "I didn’t think it would work!"

"I told you it would!" Jim chuckled. "Now change it back!"

Quickly, Brian pushed a button, and Vanna returned, flipping over all the D’s. Mr. Lytell shook his head in disbelief. A minute later, Brian changed the channel back to the headbangers. For good measure, he turned up the volume so that the windows were vibrating from the noise. The boys doubled over in laughter as Mr. Lytell took off his glasses, cleaned them on his shirt, then adjusted them on his face.

"Look what he’s doing now!" Mart gasped.

Mr. Lytell stood and walked over to the television set, where he picked up the remote control from the top of the TV. He then turned down the volume, changed the channel back to Wheel of Fortune, put the remote back on the TV, and then walked to the couch and sat down. The boys rolled on the ground.

"Do it again!" Mart urged when he could breathe.

"I don’t know…" Brian hesitated.

Mart grabbed the universal remote out of his hands. "If he’s gonna keep his remote on top of the TV, he deserves to get up again." He quickly changed the channel back to the heavy metal playing, tattoo covered band. Mr. Lytell began saying something that the boys couldn’t hear. However, they were as good as Trixie at reading lips.

"I didn’t know Mr. Lytell knew that many four letter words!" Jim chuckled. They watched the old man once again trek to the TV, get his remote, bang it against his leg, change the channel back, place it back on the TV, and walk back to his seat. All the while he muttered intelligible profanities.

"We’d better go," Brian whispered. "He’ll get suspicious soon."

"He’d just blame that harum scarum Belden girl!" laughed Dan. The boys sneaked back to a path along the main road. They ran until they came to a red brick house.

"Who lives here?" Dan asked, after he had caught his breath.

"It’s a new family that moved here recently," Jim explained.

"Do we want to play a trick on them?" Brian questioned. "Mr. Lytell has been mean to Trix all these years, so he kind of had it coming. But we don’t even know these people."

"How very honorable of you, my introspective sibling," Mart teased.

Dan, however, agreed with Brian. "I didn’t mind pulling Mr. Lytell’s leg, but I’m not sure I want to harass a total stranger."

"I see what you mean, guys. But I saw them at Wimpy’s," Jim said. "The man was rude to Mike and said the food was awful. He made an awful mess, and then he refused to pay for his meal. The whole time he was real nasty to his wife and kids. He’s already gotten a bad reputation around town. I heard he hangs out with Olyphant and his gang."

The BWG males decided to go ahead and continue with their prank. They saw a large man sitting on a couch in his boxer shorts and an old, ratty T-shirt. They sneaked over to the big picture window behind the couch where the man could not see them. Not only did they have a good hiding spot, they had perfect access to the television.

The man was slumped on the couch, surrounded by beer bottles and junk food wrappers. Occasionally, the boys heard him bark out an order to his wife, who would scurry about following his orders. They watched a small girl go over to the man and show him her skinned knee. The man yelled and waved his hand in an "I don’t care" manner. The little girl began to cry and ran off to find her mother. Jim glared at the man and grabbed the universal remote. "This guy deserves all he gets," Jim whispered in an angry voice.

Inside the house, the man was watching "Beach Bunny Bombshells Fighting Bad Guys." He was glued to the set, totally enthralled as a scantily clad buxom woman chased a drug dealer down a sandy beach. He cheered Bambi on as she chased the hardened criminal. She caught up to him and wrestled him to the ground. The man was on the edge of his seat as the druggie grabbed the string of Bambi’s bikini top and…

An all male Russian dance troupe performing live at the Kremlin?

The man started yelling at the TV. As if the four letter words did not adequately express his anger enough, he threw in a few obscene gestures as well. He grabbed the remote from off his beer gut and smacked it good. He changed the channel back to the Beach Bunnies. Relieved that Bambi and the drug lord were still wrestling, he quieted down and was glued to the program. He leaned up closer as the crook ripped Bambi’s top and her… "I love you, you love me," a purple dinosaur sang.

By this time, the boys were rolling on the ground, clutching their stomachs. From outside, they heard the man yell for his wife. She came in the living room just as Jim clicked the channel to the end credits of "Beach Bunny Bombshells Fighting Bad Guys." The boys watched as the man shook his head and tried to explain what had happened. The wife just shrugged her shoulders and left the room.

The man took another swig of beer, burped loudly and settled in to watch the next program, "Hot Ninja Chicks." Candy, the stripper moonlighting as a secret-agent-ninja-warrior was turning on the shower. She tugged on her robe and…

"Call now for your very own Best of Barry Manilow CD or cassette, yours for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. When you purchase this album, you’ll get such hits as ‘At the Copa… Copacabana… The hottest spot north of Havana…’" Barry sang.

The man threw down his beer bottle and yelled for his wife again. She scurried in the room, just as Candy was fully dressed and applying too much make-up. His wife put her hands on her hips and listened as the man frantically gestured to the television. She shook her head and left again.

The man picked up his remote and rattled it. He took the batteries out and shuffled them around. Then he whacked it on the floor for good measure. It seemed to be working. He opened a bag of pork rinds and watched Candy miraculously fight three hot bad babes at once. One of the women pushed her in a tub of Jell-O, which was conveniently nearby, and Candy pulled the villainess in the tub with her. They were clawing at each other and tearing off their clothes when…

"Do you suffer from impotence? Maybe you are one of the many men who need Viagra. Studies have shown…" This time the man was so flustered that he left and dragged his wife into the room. He sat her down on the couch where he had been, just in time to see Candy get out of the tub of Jell-O. The three naughty vixens were tied up with some rope that Candy conveniently had stuffed in her bra. The man began banging his head on the wall. His wife patted him on the shoulder and handed him an icepack. He plunked down in front of the TV once more, although this time a little fearfully.

For several minutes, everything was fine. Candy tied up her loose ends and was heading to her day job. Just as she was getting ready to perform her pole dance, the TV suddenly snapped off. The man finally lost it and began throwing his empty beer bottles at the television. At the sound of breaking glass, the boys decided they’d done enough damage there. "We’d better go now," Jim said, as soon as he could talk. "This guy is gonna need serious therapy now."

"We’d better head back," Dan whispered. The boys began the long walk back to the jalopy.

"I wonder what the girls are doing," Brian wondered out loud, his mind certainly straying to a certain honey-haired neighbor.

Mart snorted, eerily like Trixie. "They’re probably gorging on chocolate and watching their chick flicks."

"Yeah, with Ewan McGregor," Jim muttered.

"And Tom Welling," Brian added, unhappily.

"Don’t forget Matthew McConaughey," Mart mumbled.

Dan burst out laughing. "Geez, why don’t you guys wake up and smell the coffee! Trixie likes some redheaded actor. Hmm. I wonder why! And Honey likes the tall, dark, and handsome serious guy. What a coincidence! And Di goes for the blond, blue-eyed guy. Whoda thunk it?" Jim, Brian, and Mart merely looked at him like he had grown a third eye, obviously not making the connection. "Boy, you guys are dense. I’m glad I get to be the dark, mysterious one who makes the rounds with all the Sleepyside honeys. I’m glad I’m not jealous over some Hollywood dude who uncannily resembles me!"

Jim curiously peered at Dan. "What do you mean? I’m not jealous."

"Me either," Brian added, unhappily.

"Nor I," Mart mumbled.

"So how about we sneak to Crabapple Farm and see what they’re doing," Jim casually suggested.

"Sounds good to me," Brian agreed.

"Methinks it would be sagacious to verify that our feminine club members have not gotten into rascality while we masculine ones have been indisposed," Mart announced.

Dan shrugged his shoulders, broad from all his wood-chopping. "Whatever. I just have one question." They stopped their movement and everyone looked at Dan. "Jim, what’s up with Trixie’s yen for Ben?"

"Shut up, Mangan."

 

Much later, outside of Crabapple Farm…

One by one, heads popped up to peek in the living room window at Crabapple Farm. Brian had parked the jalopy far enough away that Trixie would not hear its approach. They silently peered in the window and saw the three girls huddled together on the sofa. Their eyes were swollen and they clutched several tissues in their hands. A box of Kleenex was nearby and several wadded up tissues were in the floor.

"What are they watching?" Brian asked. "I don’t recognize it."

"It’s ‘A Perplexing Existence’. I heard Regan’s girlfriend talking about wanting to watch it on pay per view the other night. Uncle Bill apparently wasn’t up for it, though," Dan explained.

"Sounds depressing!" Mart exclaimed.

"It’s your typical gut-wrenching tearjerker. Four friends overcome all obstacles to achieve their dreams. No hot babes, violence, or car chases."

"Boring!" chimed Jim, Brian, and Mart.

Dan grinned. "It does star your favorite actors…"

"Ewan McGregor," Jim muttered.

"Tom Welling," Brian added, unhappily.

"And Matthew McConaughey," Mart mumbled.

"Yeah, some other guy is in it, too. Some guy with really dark hair and eyes…"

 

Inside…

"This is such a wonderful movie!" Di exclaimed, wiping a tear from her eyes. "I just don’t understand why it didn’t win an Oscar."

Honey blew her nose in an extremely lady-like manner. "Their loyalty to one another is so touching! How they helped their new friend mend his bad ways… I just love this movie!"

"I can’t see why the guys wouldn’t want to see this!" Trixie gushed, grabbing another Kleenex. "Ewan McGregor is so handsome as the abused hero! His dream of helping orphans was so noble. His character is so…supple and sooo honorable!"

"Ooh, Tom Welling is perfectly perfect as the responsible friend dreaming of going to medical school!" Honey dramatically sighed. "His character has such a sensitive bed-side manner!"

Di sniffed and wiped another tear. "My favorite is Matthew McConaughey’s character! He was just sooo smart and used all those big words." She began fanning herself. "And those blonde curls and blue eyes! He could tease me any day! I’m glad Hallie recommended it."

Trixie nodded. "She said it was really good. Of course, she liked Orlando Bloom’s character the best. She liked his dark, sullen good looks."

Honey giggled. "You know, there is something awfully appealing about a bad boy gone good!"

 

 

Back outside…

Mart snatched the remote of the bag. "There has to be something on better than this! Maybe ‘Hot Ninja Chicks’ is on!"

Jim grabbed Mart’s arm. "This isn’t Mr. Lytell and some drunk guy we’re talking about. The girls are sure to catch us!"

"Yeah, Mart," Dan agreed. "I know we tease them a lot, but they’re really pretty smart. They’ll figure out that it’s us playing a prank on them."

Mart wiggled out of Jim’s grasp. "You guys give them too much credit! This is one mystery that Schoolgirl Shamuses, Inc. won’t be able to solve." He pointed the universal remote at the TV and changed it to the latest action flick, "Dismember Me." They heard the girls shriek as the scene changed from Dr. Tom setting a broken bone with a make-do splint to Steven Segal facing down the mob with only his beautiful sidekick. "I think we can take them!" he proclaimed, readying himself in a fighting stance.

The boys chuckled as the girls shuffled through tissues in search of the remote. Finally, Trixie triumphantly found it. Before she could change the channel, Mart beat her to the punch, and Orlando was rescuing a small boy who was trapped in a cave. The boys hooted as they watched Trixie stare questioningly at the remote in her hand. She dumped the batteries on the floor and ran to the kitchen.

"Going for new batteries," Brian guessed.

Mart waited until Trixie was back in the living room and just as she began replacing the batteries, he hit a button and changed the channel to "Fishing with Bill." The boys laughed as Trixie stomped up the stairs.

"She thinks it’s Bobby!" Mart hooted. "That little booger gets blamed for everything!" Trixie was followed downstairs by her father, who looked very sleepy and none too happy. While Honey and Di were gazing at Mr. Belden dressed only in his pajama bottoms, and while Trixie hurriedly explained what had happened, Mart discreetly changed the channel back to "A Perplexing Existence."

The boys chuckled as Mr. Belden checked the television and cable box. He grabbed the remote, complete with fresh batteries, and calmly went through the channels. It appeared then that he sternly lectured the girls and walked back up to his room.

The boys let the girls get settled back onto the couch. Soon they forgot their earlier TV troubles and were enthralled once more in their movie. In the movie, the four friends were busy repairing a roof. Ewan skillfully slid down to the ground, showing off his supple form. Jim leaned close to the window and watched Trixie. Her china blue eyes bugged out and her mouth opened. Jim thought he saw a drool trail. "Change it! Change it!" he exclaimed as quietly as possible while scrambling for the remote.

Jim quickly clicked the remote to a change the channel. A commercial for men’s underwear… No!.. Men’s swim competition… No!... An interview with Viggo Mortenson… Definitely not!"

"Find something quick!" Dan yelled. Finally, Jim settled on the Senior Bowling Tour. The boys breathed a sigh of relief. The girls were panicking once again. They were having a rapid-paced conversation.

"I wish we could see their lips," Brian whispered. "I wonder what they’re saying."

Suddenly, Trixie went over to window and peered out. The boys ducked out of sight, just in the nick of time. They waited several minutes before peeking back inside.

Trixie had once again joined Honey and Di on the couch. The channel was once again set on "A Perplexing Existence." The scene showed all the male friends swimming in a lake. Soon, it centered on Matthew as he got out of the water. His muscular form was spectacular as he rubbed a towel through his blonde waves. Mart fumed as Di began fanning herself furiously. She faked a faint as Matthew grinned impishly.

Mart feverishly seized the remote and furiously punched the buttons. Soon, steam poured out of the object and the channels on the television began rapidly changing on their own.

"Run!" Jim commanded. The male BWGs ran up the hill to the Manor House. They sneaked back inside as quietly as possible and settled into the den where they were camping out. They waited nervously for any sign of Trixie, Honey, and Di. An hour later, they were satisfied they were safe and snuggled into their sleeping bags on the floor. They were exhausted from their adventures and fell into a deep slumber.

 

 

The next morning…

Jim was having a lovely dream involving a certain sandy-headed detective. He heard a shrill whistle and jumped up, wide awake.

"Good morning, beautiful." Jim lay back down and rubbed his eyes. Was he still dreaming or was Trixie really in his father’s study? Suddenly, he noticed that his face felt funny. His eyelashes felt stiff. He looked at his hand and saw it was smeared with black gook and glittery green junk. He screamed and ran into the bathroom by Mr. Wheeler’s study.

"Wait till he sees the green streaks we put in his hair," Trixie whispered.

"Is it morning already?" Dan tried to shield the morning sun from his eyes with the back of his hand. "What the…!" He sat up and stared at his fingernails, painted a lovely shade of purple. He yelled and clutched his thick, black hair, only to pull out a collection of pastel butterfly hair clips. He screamed and ran into the bathroom.

"What’s the racket?" Brian asked groggily. He opened his eyes and saw the girls standing nearby. He tried to roll over but got tangled in a fuchsia feather boa. He wiggled loose and jumped up. A feather was tickling his lip, and when he scratched it, his fingers were coated with a scarlet red substance, that instinctively Brian knew wasn’t blood. He screamed and ran into the bathroom.

Finally, after all the commotion, Mart raised his sleepy head. "What are you girls doing here?"

"We thought we would come up here and fix you a special treat," Trixie said sweetly.

Mart’s stomach rumbled. "Good. I’m hungry. I haven’t had any nutritional sustenance for hours. Hey, where are the other guys?"

Di innocently shrugged her shoulders and batted her lovely violet eyes. "Gee, I’m not sure. Maybe you should go round them up so we can eat."

"I think they’re in the bathroom washing up," Honey added, a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth.

Mart yawned and stumbled in the bathroom. The girls heard him scream and then he raced back into the study, followed by the other "male" BWGs. "What did you do to me?!" Mart’s face was flushed, beautifully enhanced by the rouge he had on his cheeks. His eyes were wonderfully accented by the electric blue mascara on his lashes. A sparkling tiara graced his golden head, firmly secured in his curls. He was frantically trying to remove a turquoise bra that appeared to be a D cup, which smelled faintly of corn chips.

The girls rolled on the floor laughing at the sight the "boys" made. After wiping several tears, Honey said, "You wanted to know what we did at slumber parties."

Di giggled. "We thought we’d give you one of our deluxe makeovers. Don’t you like it?"

"Well, you know what the littlest Belden’s motto is. Revenge is sweet. Saccharine sweet," Trixie replied. "That’s what you get for ruining our movie!"

"Whatever do you mean, dear sister?" Mart tried to look as innocent as possible, which was quite difficult considering the bra, tiara, and make-up.

Trixie whipped a bag from behind her back. "Exhibit A. A green ski mask found at the scene of the crime, containing a red hair inside." She glared at Jim.

Honey pulled out a bag as well. "Exhibit B. Keys to a certain jalopy found outside of the Beldens’ living room window." Brian patted his pocket searching for his car keys. Not finding them, he quickly attempted to snatch the keys, but Honey jerked them out of his reach.

Di dramatically revealed a bag behind her back as well. "Exhibit C. A wrapper from an energy supplement bar found on the road between Crabapple Farm and the Manor House. DNA could prove said wrapper was licked clean by one Martin Belden."

Trixie pulled a piece of paper out of her bag. "Exhibit D. A phone message from one Bill Regan requesting his nephew, defendant Daniel Mangan, return his camouflage bag."

Honey slammed her fist on her father’s desk. "And for our final evidence, I present Exhibit E." She held up the singed universal remote. "A remote able to change the channel on any TV. Found outside the living room window at Crabapple Farm. Previously, said remote was in the possession of one James Winthrop Frayne II. Witnesses seeing the evidence in the hands of Mr. Frayne include Mr. Matthew Wheeler, Mrs. Celia Delanoy, and Mrs. Made…"

"OK!" interrupted Jim. "We confess. We ruined your movie, you humiliated us, let’s call it even."

Trixie giggled. "But you’re forgetting one detail. Last night I woke up Dad and he was pretty sore at us. So we proved our case to him this morning, and he has exacted his own sentence."

"You are hereby sentenced to two weeks of Bobby duty," Di proclaimed, her eyes twinkling in amusement.

Brian shrugged his shoulders. "That’s not too bad. We can handle that."

"But there’s more," Honey giggled. "Then some big guy came by the house to see if anyone else was having trouble with their cable. He was kind of scary, so Mr. Belden told him he thought it was fixed. After the big guy left, Mr. Belden was really mad. He said after you were finished with your beauty sleep, you are commanded to drive us into town so we can rent "A Perplexing Existence." And you have to watch it with us!"

The boys groaned. "A fate worse than death indeed!" Dan exclaimed, clutching his black hair and pulling out more pastel butterflies.

"Oh, but there’s more," Di laughed. "Mr. Belden then went to Lytell’s to pick up a gallon of milk. When he was there, Mr. Lytell accused Trixie of messing with his TV. Mr. Belden assured him that Trixie was totally innocent." She paused dramatically. "And when he came home, he said we could give your car a make-over."

Brian’s face paled underneath the heavily applied make-up. "What did you do to my car?"

Trixie snickered. "Don’t worry, big brother. Dad thought you needed a little encouragement to start the work on your car. He told us to paint it any way we wanted. He even provided the paint."

Brian sat down and assumed the crash position. "What did you do to my car?" he weakly repeated.

"Oh, it looks bee-you-ti-ful!" Trixie exclaimed. "We made sure to cover up all the little dents and dings in it!"

""Just like little band-aids!" gushed Honey.

Brian looked up in horror. "What did you do to my car?" He repeated the words slowly and seriously.

"Congratulations, Brian Belden!" Trixie stated in her best game show host voice. "You are the proud owner of a pink ’64 Ford Fairlane 500!"

Brian collapsed on the floor. "You painted my car pink!!" Jim ran to get the smelling salts.

Trixie grinned, looking quite pleased with herself. "Yup. And not just any pink, mind you. Peptobismol pink!"

"With lavender flowers!" Di added.

"And yellow happy faces!" Honey squealed with delight.

"Well, boys, we’ll meet you in the car, which you left parked by the driveway to the farm!" Trixie blew them a kiss, and then linked arms with Honey and Di. They frolicked away, merrily singing the chorus of "I Feel Pretty." For once, even Martin Belden was silent.

A big thank you to my wonderful editors, Kaye KL and KayRenee! Kaye, thanks for finding all those evil space gremlins! I missed every one of ‘em! KayRenee, thanks for all the technical terminology on painting cars! I’m glad my Trixie friends know so much!

These delightful characters were the creation of Julie Campbell and now belong to RH.

Medical Monthly is a magazine I made up. Have no idea if it is real or not.

Ethiopian Ninja and the Pygmy Punx is an old computer game my husband made several years ago.

I think Cat Fancy is an actual magazine, but I don’t know if they host a cat show or not.

BTW, my five-year-old son really "capsized" one of our cats. He learned quite quickly that cats do not like water. J

"Scrog" is a term my husband’s cousin made up in college. I think we can figure out what it means. ;)

"Wheel of Fortune" is an actual game show. I did not ask permission to use it, but they should thank me for advertising it.

No permission granted either to use the "Mission Impossible" theme song or "I Feel Pretty."

Vanna White was once on "Wheel of Fortune." Since I haven’t watching it for years, I have no idea if she’s still on there now.

For the record, the channel-changing prank was based on something my husband did in high school. Yes, it will work. My darling husband is now in the ministry. J

"Beach Bunny Bombshells Fighting Bad Guys" and "Hot Ninja Chicks" are my own creations. They seemed like good male chauvinist pig shows that the big, mean guy in the story would watch.

Barry Manilow is a singer that my mom listened to. I have no idea if he actually has a greatest hits album or not, and if he does, I don’t know if it actually costs $19.95.

Jello is a dessert made by the company by the same name. There’s always room for J-E-L-L-O!

Ewan McGregor, Tom Welling, Matthew McConaughey, and Orlando Bloom are Hollywood actors. I’ve heard them all compared to certain BWGs. "A Perplexing Existence" is purely my own creation.

Kleenex is a brand of tissue. Buy it when you have a cold.

Steven Segal is an older actor who primarily stars in action flicks. I think he had a little trouble with the mob. However, "Dismember Me" is my own creation. If Mr. Segal would like to make a movie by that name, he can contact me. J

"Fishing with Bill" is a pretend talk show my husband did as a child, when he wasn’t busy changing people’s channels. J

Viggo Mortenson is an actor best known for his role as Aragorn. *sigh*

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