Chapter 17

Before she could stop herself, Joeanne turned off the small TV and threw the remote control across the room. After staying up almost the entire night watching the tape of Sammy’s hospital room, there just wasn’t a conclusive image she could use.

Several times Deborah Lewis was captured in the act of bending over her son, but due to the angle of her body, it was impossible to tell what, if anything, she was doing. She could already hear the defense attorney as he argued that for all they knew, Mrs. Lewis was simply kissing her child, or singing him a lullaby.

Joeanne groaned and dropped her face into her hands. It was a blow that the tape was useless when she’d been so sure. But at least we finally know what caused Sammy’s "seizure", she thought grimly. Dr. Uniat, stunned and dismayed at the laboratory’s findings, finally admitted that perhaps, just perhaps, Joeanne might be on to something. "It would explain a great many things," he’d said reluctantly.

There was also a fairly clear shot of the man who attacked Meggie. Joeanne’s mouth tightened as she recalled the incredibly ugly sight of her face slamming down onto the crib, and the twisted look of anger on the dark haired man’s features. They’d know his identity soon enough—a copy of the tape was already on its way to the local police department, as well as the FBI.

She stood up, wincing at the pain in her lower back. She finally spotted the remote leaning up against the file cabinet in the corner and sheepishly retrieved it. Along with her father’s wiry frame and black hair, she’d also inherited his quick temper and an almost over-developed sense of justice. Her mother used to tease her that it was too bad the position of ‘Batman’ was already taken, because she was perfect for the job.

Joeanne smiled as she thought about her gentle mother. I really need to call her.

"Hello Joeanne."

Joeanne quickly straightened up, clutching the remote in her hand. "What in the hell are you doing here?" she hissed at the elegantly dressed man entering her office uninvited. His gray suit and pale yellow tie were impeccable as always. Joeanne remembered a time when she admired his smart, polished appearance and felt slightly sick.

"Let’s not have a scene," the man replied, shutting the door. It was the voice he used when somebody made an uninformed remark in one of his classes and needed his guidance to set him straight.

Joeanne seethed at the patronizing tone and wondered again how she could have ever believed herself in love with this man. When he first asked her out, she was flattered that somebody so intelligent and imposing could possibly be interested in her—a 22 year old in her last year of law school. Although the age difference between herself and most of her fellow law students wasn’t as troublesome as the gap that existed in high school and college, she still felt out of her element when it came to the social rules everybody else seemed to take in stride.

 

Let’s just say it was an awkward time and leave it at that! she heard Jim Frayne say again, and she couldn’t agree more. She had never been on a date by the time she entered college at age 16, and while most of the girls in her dorm talked unashamedly about sex, enthralling, and at the same time embarrassing Joeanne with their discussions of different techniques, styles and positions; she secretly longed for a guy to hold her hand and take her to the movies. Put his arm around her in the dark. Kiss her goodnight at the door. Instead, she found herself intimidated by the aggressive attitudes she encountered, earning the nickname ‘ice queen’ as she fought off the knowing, groping hands that only frightened her. It wasn’t until three years later, when she was a 19 year old senior, that she finally felt reasonably comfortable in the company of the opposite sex.

And then there was Richard, her international law professor.

She’d been incredibly nervous on that first date—dinner at an elegant French restaurant where she couldn’t even read the menu. Richard had ordered for both of them, and it set the tone for the entire length of their relationship. At first she didn’t mind, much, when he made all the decisions about where they would go and what they would do. She was dazzled by the courtly way he held doors open for her, talked to waiters in fluent French, chose fine wines. It seemed her lonely days and nights were over—it was almost like starring in a movie; a romantic adventure.

Until it turned into something ominous.

Like most evil, it started small. One day he pulled her into his office, seething because she ‘talked too long’ with one of the male students in her study group. When she’d protested that they were merely discussing an assigned project, he gripped her upper arm so tightly she later found a bruise. He apologized for getting ‘carried away’; didn’t it prove how much he loved her by how jealous she could make him?

Troubled, she accepted his apology, sure he wouldn’t do anything like that again. But he did. Over the next few months, his possessiveness escalated until Joeanne felt like she could hardly breathe. If she made or received any calls, he demanded to know who she was on the phone with. She found her mail already opened. He called her constantly on her cell phone until, exasperated, she shut it off.

No longer taken with the idea that her awkward, skinny, too young self could cause a man like Richard to be jealous; she finally broached the subject of them not seeing each other anymore. He was tender, sorry, wildly regretful; he begged her to reconsider. She found herself uneasily wondering if she was being fair, letting him back into her life. It was the biggest mistake she had ever made...

"I’m not making a scene," she said through gritted teeth. "I am simply asking you for the last time to stay away from me. How many times do I have to tell you? Do I have to actually get a restraining order for you to leave me alone once and for all? Because I will, Richard."

Richard shook his head, his expression that of a man who is witnessing a child throw a tantrum. "After everything we meant to each other, how can you treat me this way? You know I didn’t mean to do it—how many times do I have to apologize?"

Joeanne was incredulous. "You can’t just say ‘I’m sorry’ and expect everything to be okay! What you did was heinous. We both know you should have went to jail, and you would have if I had been smarter." She resisted the urge to look away, keeping her eyes on his. "I would never make that mistake again," she said firmly, her eyes glittering.

"I didn’t come here to rehash ancient history. Believe it or not, I miss you." Richard looked around at the cluttered office and back at her again. "You need me. Just look at this place. You’re obviously out of your element."

Joeanne forgot how to breathe. "You miss me. Right. You miss having a naive little girl to order around." For the rest of her life, she had to live with knowing that her first time was with a man who ultimately had no respect for her. She thought about Dan and wanted to cry, keeping the tears back only with extreme effort, knowing that Richard would misunderstand them and think they were about him. "In about five seconds I’m going to start screaming ‘rape’," she said, inwardly wincing at the melodramatic cliche. But like most cliches, it worked.

"Have it your way. I don’t know why I bothered anyway—you really are just a naive little girl who doesn’t know the first thing about pleasing a man." He jerked open the door just as Dan was about to knock on it, giving him a disdainful look as he strode by, entering the stairwell without a backward glance.

 

Mr. Law Professor, Dan thought, giving the door a gentle rap before entering the office, shutting it behind him. He momentarily froze at the sight of Joeanne standing stock still, the lost and hurt look on her expressive face filling him with an almost savage jealousy at the thought that she still cared for her former lover. In the past, he never cared about the romantic history of the women he dated; he didn’t know what to do with the maelstrom of emotion that filled him. It was simply unprecedented.

"I..that was..." Joeanne’s voice broke as tears began unexpectedly streaming down her face, her hands clenching into fists. He was probably right—her experience with him bore not the slightest resemblance to those heated conversations she remembered from her college days. I guess I really am an ice queen, she thought miserably.

His jealousy fled as swiftly as it came. "Are you all right?" He reached her in two long strides, his arm sliding around her waist and pulling her into the support of his body.

Nothing could have prepared Joeanne for the flood of feeling that invaded her as she melted into his embrace. She felt dizzy with shock and an earth shattering realization. Oh God. She had been attracted to Dan from the first, but with that concern she slipped helplessly over the edge. She once thought she loved Richard, but suddenly realized she had never been in love before, and the power of it actually made her feel faint. So much for not ever getting involved again. "I’m sorry—I’ve been up all night and I just wasn’t expecting to see him." She reluctantly disengaged herself and grabbed a handful of tissue from the edge of her desk, pressing it to her eyes and nose.

His insecurity returned, but Dan tamped it down until it was a hard little stone somewhere between his heart and belly. "Don’t be sorry. It’s okay," he said awkwardly.

Joeanne gave him a watery smile. "Geez, I must look horrible." She tossed the tissues into the trash, her hands still trembling.

"Not at all," Dan assured her. He knew it was probably ridiculous to think that he could compete with the older man, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was touching her again. And again. He pulled her into him with one hand, his other hand moving up to lightly touch her face. "You’re so beautiful," he said before brushing her mouth with a soft kiss. He felt a surge of elation when she pressed against him, drawing his face down to hers to kiss him back. It was all moving so fast—when he considered the fact that they’d only really known each other for about a week, he couldn’t believe it. Surely he’d been with her forever. He couldn’t remember the name of the last woman he’d held; there was only Joeanne. There was only right now.

"That’s sweet of you to say," she murmured.

"I speak the truth my faithful Indian companion!" Dan did his best Lone Ranger, hoping it would lighten the mood. He heard a silvery sound and realized to his delight that she was giggling.

"It’s still nice of you to say," she managed.

Dan drew back only enough to look at her. "I’m getting the feeling though that you don’t believe me." When she lowered her eyes he sighed noisily. "Man, you’re as bad as Trixie!"

"Trixie? But she’s so…pretty," Joeanne exclaimed, thinking that it wasn’t the quite the right description, but unable to find a word that accurately described her lively friend.

"Yeah. And so are you," Dan chided. "Come have lunch with me," he said, his voice low as he tucked her hair back over her ear with his fingertips.

Joeanne went very still; how could such a simple gesture send that kind of heat all the way down to the soles of her feet?

"God, don’t look at me like that," Dan involuntarily muttered, really meaning the exact opposite. He felt like he was dissolving as he hauled her into him.

 

Funny—I don’t feel much like an ice queen at the moment was the last coherent thought Joeanne had until they came up for air quite some time later. She almost laughed aloud to think that most of the people from her old school wouldn’t even recognize her if she was standing right in front of them, waving happy hands and jumping up and down yelling, "the queen is dead!"

***

 

"Now, who’s that one?" Honey asked her niece as they sat in front of the television set watching Katy’s favorite show.

"That’s Angelica. She’s very mean," she replied.

"What about him?"

Katy giggled. "That’s Chuckie. He worries ALL THE TIME," she said very solemnly.

"Note the red hair," Trixie said as she entered the room, causing Honey to choke on the soda she was drinking.

"Don’t do that to me!" she gasped when she could breathe again, wiping in vain at the droplets of cola that were running down the front of her sweater. It felt incredibly good to laugh.

Trixie waited until her daughter was engrossed in her show before saying, "Honey, I need to talk to you for a minute."

"Okay," Honey said, eyeing her best friend curiously. She patted Katy’s head before following Trixie into the kitchen where Jim was loading the dishwasher.

As usual, Trixie got right to the point. "Please don’t get mad at me, but I talked to Brian today."

Honey scratched the back of her hand for a moment. "You did, huh?" was all she said.

"You aren’t mad?" Trixie asked hopefully.

Honey shook her head. "What’s the point? You can’t help it if you’re an incredibly nosy person!" She smiled, letting her sister-in-law know she was only teasing.

Trixie sank down at the table. "Whew!"

Honey sat down, surprised. "You were really worried, weren’t you?"

Trixie nodded. "Look, somebody’s marriage is not something to mess around with. And normally I wouldn’t. Even I have my limits—" she smiled at her for a moment—"but Honey, well, this has just gone on long enough. You’re miserable. And so is Brian!"

"Brian’s miserable?" Honey said softly. The anger that had lived and breathed in her all week finally began to loosen its terrible grip.

"Oh yes," Jim interjected, joining them. "He looked like the end of the world." At her stricken look he added, "Honey, what did you expect? Do you think he’s been having parties celebrating the fact that the woman he thought he’d grow old with is gone?" He rose from the table and left the room so abruptly that Honey was stupefied.

"What’s with him?" Honey asked, clearly upset. She bit her lip. "It hasn’t been a party for me either!"

"I know—this whole thing has just brought stuff up for him," Trixie said.

"Oh," she said quietly. She hadn’t considered how her actions could affect other people. "I guess I should have gone to Mart and Diana’s."

Trixie shook her head vigorously. "No, no, no...don’t say that. And anyway, it wouldn’t have made any difference. He would have felt the same way once he heard about it. It’s just something he has to deal with in his own way."

"What a mess I’ve made of everything," Honey said sadly.

Trixie patted her hand. "That’s exactly what Brian said to me today."

"Really? What else did he say?" Honey could hardly breathe as she waited for Trixie’s answer.

"I think you should hear it from him. And Honey, I don’t mean to make you feel any worse than you already do, but I want you to keep in mind that, well, he has been trying to call you all week."

Honey was startled. "Now who’s the mind reader?" she asked wryly. "I was about to get all upset over the fact that he explained everything to you before me." The two women smiled at each other with the joyful recognition that comes from being lifelong friends.

"So the next time he calls, you will talk to him?" Trixie said, and held her breath.

Honey slowly nodded. "I can’t make any promises—the last time I tried to, I just got too upset to say much. But...I’ll try. Okay?"

Trixie felt the back of her throat loosen. "Okay." She wanted so badly to talk to Honey about the pain she’d been going through this week thinking that Brian never wanted to have children with her, but she knew she had to let Brian talk to her first. It was torture. She stood up and stretched. "Well, Katy and I have a date with a bathtub," she said lightly, leaving the kitchen to Honey.

Honey sat there for a long while, thinking about what she would say if Brian called. She was dismayed to realize that she still felt mad—she’d always been such a forgiving person in the past. But she knew she could no longer avoid the situation. She’d had her week to think and cool off, and now it was time to face the reality that she may have to choose between having a family and the only man she’d ever loved. Her heart twisted as she realized it was no choice at all. If she couldn’t have a family with Brian, she couldn’t have a family of her own, period.

She walked back into the living room where Jim was watching some wildlife show. He turned his head at her approach and gave her a sheepish look. "Sorry about what I said before. I know this hasn’t been easy for you either."

Honey sat next to him and patted his knee. "Oh, you’re forgiven, I suppose." They watched as on the screen a solemn looking naturalist explained how the alpha wolves are usually the largest, most intelligent animals within the pack and they generally mate for life. "You don’t honestly think that Trixie would ever leave you, do you?" she asked casually.

"I think she’d have to have a good reason," he answered evasively, not taking his eyes off the screen. "You had a good reason."

"Yes," Honey said regretfully. She could see the muscles in his jaw tighten. "Has it escaped your notice that Trixie is crazy about you?"

Jim allowed himself a tiny smile; no, it had not.

"And anyway, I haven’t left in the permanent sense of the word." Honey hadn’t realized this was true until the moment she spoke it aloud.

"Even if..." Jim broke off, biting his lip.

 

He knows, she thought, but let it drop. "I love him," she said instead. "And it will always come back to that.

Trixie’s cell phone began to ring, the beeping sounds of ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame’ coming from the small table by the door. "Could you get that Honey? My hands are all wet." Trixie stood at the top of the stairs, hoping her face didn’t give her away.

"Sure," Honey replied, rising from the couch. She didn’t see Trixie’s grin of relief, but Jim did, a slow smile of understanding spreading over his face. He wondered why, after knowing this woman for 13 years, he was still surprised at the way she made things happen.

"Hello?"

"It’s me."

Honey stayed silent, the whirl of emotions stilling her tongue. You’re miserable. And so is Brian… She walked stiffly into the guestroom hardly able to see.

"Honey, please..." Brian’s voice pleaded.

"Please what?" she finally said, sinking down on the bed, pressing her hand into her forehead.

A long sigh followed. "Please…see me."

Honey closed her eyes and lay back against the pillows. "What for?" she said, her eyes smarting at the unaccustomed coldness of her reply. She heard his swift intake of breath.

"I deserve that. God knows I do. But won’t you please let me say how sorry I am and explain why it happened?"

She tried to reply, but the lump in her throat wouldn’t let her, the pain in his voice dissolving her anger, but not her anguish at the situation.

"Honey, are you still there?"

She swallowed hard. "Yes," she whispered.

"Sweetheart, please just give me a chance to explain."

The endearment broke down the last of her defenses. "Where are you?" She smiled at his reply.

"I’m in the clubhouse," he admitted sheepishly. "I figured standing on Jim and Trixie’s porch and holding up a boombox playing ‘In Your Eyes’ would have been over the top." The sound of Honey’s soft laughter filled him with hope.

"Maybe just a little," she agreed, swinging off the bed, standing up.

"But you’ll still come see me?"

Honey pressed the phone between her shoulder and left ear as she struggled to get her shoes on. "I’ll be right there," she promised, ending the call. Brian closed the phone slowly, hoping that Trixie was right.

She walked out of the guestroom, pulling on her jacket. "It was who you thought it was and yes, I’m going to talk to him," she said to Jim before he could say a word. Her eyes met those of her best friend as she came down the stairs holding Katy. "AND I’ll even listen to what you’ve already heard!" Her eyes were warm as they smiled at each other.

Trixie was relieved, feeling a rush of warmth for this woman who not only was her best friend in the whole world, but her sister as well, in every sense of the word. "You really don’t think I’m a meddling sister-in-law?"

Honey reached the front door, calling over her shoulder fondly, "It takes one to know one, dear!" She closed the door gently behind her with a small wave.

Honey approached the little gatehouse that they had all worked so hard on as teenagers, feeling again the old rush of pride she always felt when she saw the Bob White clubhouse. It represented so many happy memories—as a child, belonging to a secret club had been her ultimate fantasy, and when the Bob Whites of the Glen were formed, her happiness with her new life in Sleepyside was complete. We sure had some good times, she thought, running a hand through her silky, windblown hair. And even some scary ones. She wondered which kind she would have this time as she quietly pushed open the door and entered. Brian swiftly approached her, putting his hands on her shoulders as if he were afraid she’d bolt again. "Hi," he said softly. He kissed her cheek, and then the corner of her mouth, and then her mouth, and she fell into him the way she always did. Damn it, she missed him!

"God, I’ve missed you," he said, hugging her tightly to him, breathing in the delicate scent of her. He knew only two things: he had to make her understand and she had to come home. "You have to let me talk to you," he whispered.

They stood quietly for a long moment, gently swaying together as they allowed themselves to absorb each other. "Okay, talk to me," Honey finally replied, annoyed with the needy way she was pressing into him, but, oh God, the past week without him had been sheer torture.

"I’m sorry for what I said. I know you don’t want to have children just because Trixie and Diana do. I can’t believe I said that." His dark eyes were almost black with sorrow. "It’s been hell without you," he finished, kissing her again.

"I can’t believe you said it either. Brian, it was…it was unforgivable." Her voice was full of pain as she recalled the moment.

"I know it was. There’s no excuse for it, but Honey, that day…it was the worst…" he broke off, visibly tormented, he had to make her understand, but how could he when he barely understood what he was feeling himself? "I need to start at the beginning…"

He talked for so long he had to stop, find the old lantern still stored away and light it. Honey asked no questions, merely letting him pour out everything he’d lived through the past couple of months. When he finally stopped he could tell by her expression that Trixie had been very right about something—that he had hurt her more by keeping her in the dark.

"Why didn’t you trust me?" Honey murmured. She rose and restlessly began pacing. "What does it say about our marriage that you couldn’t tell me what was going on in your life?"

"I do trust you. Oh God Honey, it was never about that."

"You thought I wouldn’t love you anymore if I knew how scared you were. Can’t you see that’s completely about trust?" Honey exclaimed, her face beginning to work.

Brian sat still as a stone as the reality of her words hit him. "There’s nothing I want more out of life than to make this up to you. For what it’s worth, I’ll never keep this kind of stuff hidden from you again. Because Honey, I do trust you. I do!"

"What happened the day of our fight?" she asked gently.

Brian nodded in comprehension, standing up and facing her. "They brought in a little girl, she was feverish and having trouble breathing. We did everything we could, but she was just too sick. I had to go out there and tell this young mother that her daughter was gone." His face was pale as he relived the scene. "All she could say, over and over again was ‘but a few days ago it was just a simple cold’, while I just stood there saying ‘I’m sorry’ like a jackass."

Honey made a small sound in her throat as she threw her arms around him.

"When I got home and you started talking about starting a family, I guess I just snapped. I remember thinking, I can’t ever go through something like that. Our child could be fine one day, then catch a cold and die in the ER a few days later while somebody just like me stands there telling us, ‘I’m sorry.’ How would I survive? So, I say the most hateful thing and cause the only woman I’ve ever loved to leave," he finished, a bitter smile flitting over his face as he laid his head on her shoulder, completely drained. "And I’m left wondering if she’ll ever forgive me."

"Oh Brian, of course I forgive you. I’m sorry too—I shouldn’t have left like I did." She pressed her cheek against his. "You could have told me then what you just told me now, and we could have talked about it like we’re doing now, and…" They both started laughing at her rush of words.

"I love you so much—promise me you’ll never change," Brian said, hugging her so tightly she almost couldn’t breathe.

"You’ve been acting strange for weeks, every time the subject of children came up," Honey said against his neck. "I kept thinking, does he think I can’t handle being a mother?" she admitted.

"Oh God," Brian groaned. "You would be the best mother on the planet. It’s like I’ve told you; it was me I wasn’t sure about. I see suffering practically on a daily basis. I see what the parents go through and it scares me." He sat back down at the old conference table, pulling her into his lap. "That day was just the straw that broke the camel’s back, I guess. But it doesn’t excuse my crappy behavior."

"So where does that leave us? Brian, I love you with all my heart. The thought of not having your child, our child…" Honey broke down and began to weep; she just couldn’t help it.

"Shoot me please; it’s less painful," he muttered, drawing her head down onto his shoulder, stroking her hair. He could feel her unhappiness settle in his body like a chill. "I had a long talk with a certain good friend of yours not known for her ability to stay out of it," he began, feeling a startled laugh break into her misery. "I’m not going to lie to you and say, ‘and now all my worries are washed away and I see the error of my ways,’ but she did make me realize something."

Honey managed to stop crying long enough to ask, "What was that?"

"That it’s stupid to think that you can just avoid heartbreak like you can avoid getting a traffic ticket. That life offers no guarantees or apologies." He framed her face, wiping under her eyes with his thumbs.

Honey smiled. "That does sound like something Trixie would say. Her and her ‘fair is where pigs go to win ribbons’!"

"Actually, I came up with that one by myself, just now," Brian smiled back at her.

She sobered, looking at him. "If we had a child, I’d worry about him or her all the time," she admitted. "But isn’t that what parents are supposed to do?"

"Moms still asks me if I’m getting enough sleep," Brian admitted with a wry smile.

"What they aren’t supposed to do is imagine all the different ways their child could…could die."

"I know. I’ve talked to some of the other doctors who have children and they said the same thing. That with a lot of mental discipline, it can be overcome." He looked her in the eyes, taking a deep breath. "With your help, I think I can do it. But I’ll probably always be a worry-wart where my family’s health is concerned—do you think you can handle that?"

Honey threw her arms around his neck, kissing him soundly. "I know I can. I’ve had some practice having Jim as a brother, you know!" They both laughed, knowing what a struggle it was for Jim not to smother people with his protective instincts. "God, he works so hard at not worrying; at least, not worrying out loud. Trixie says she can literally hear him grinding his teeth sometimes to keep from saying something that will drive her crazy!"

Brian nodded, grinning. "It’s had a good effect on her though. It’s curbed some of her recklessness—the Trixie of today would never go off to meet Big Tony, Blinky and Pedro by herself."

"No, she wouldn’t," Honey agreed softly, giving a small shudder as she remembered that terrifying time. It was a miracle Trixie wasn’t shot to death on the spot. "But she’s still Trixie," she finished with a small grin.

"And we wouldn’t really want it any other way," Brian said. He stood up, setting her down, keeping his hands around her waist. "You know, if it wasn’t so cold, I’d suggest we start trying for our family right now!" he said suggestively, giving the table an evil leer.

Honey laughed with joy, leaning into him. "It wouldn’t be cold for long…"

To be continued…

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