Note: Standard disclaimers apply.
This is just a little epilogue to Should Old Acquaintances.... Just a small peek into Joeanne’s heart for all her fans out there.
A Trip Down Memory Lane
By Claudia
"What happens now?" she asked sheepishly, as she parked the car in front of his apartment building.
He smiled tenderly at his new girlfriend and brushed back a straying strand of her raven black hair.
"Now we’re both going home and get some sleep. We both need it, after all we’ve been through."
She smiled back and lowered her eyes.
"That’s not what I mean, and you know it, Dan."
He chuckled and leaned over to whisper in her ear, "Now you go home and call me as soon as you get there, because I want you to be the last person I talk to tonight. And tomorrow morning, you call me as soon as you wake up, because I want you to be the first person I talk to."
"Then you better call me, because I don’t think tomorrow I’ll be able to believe tonight wasn’t just another dream," Joeanne’s eyes sparkled as she spoke the words. "That is, if I ever get any sleep at all."
"You’ll have that jacket to make sure it was real," he whispered softly as he claimed her lips in a passionate kiss.
* * * * *
Joeanne finally hang up the phone and smiled as she cuddled on her bed, feeling happier than she ever had. If it wasn’t for the red jacket hanging on the chair across the room, she would seriously have doubted her own sanity. Who would say, only hours before, that she now had a gorgeous, wonderful man for a boyfriend, that she was part of the Bob-Whites of the Glen and that even her sister was on her way to recovery, having both reconciled with herself and her father and sister?
Smiling, Joeanne got up and picked up the jacket. Gently, she brought it closer to her face and closed her eyes as she inhaled deeply. Dan’s scent was still on it as it had been on her clothes and was still on her skin. With a sigh she laid it on the chair again and picked up a picture from the top of her dresser. The picture was of a young woman with dark brown hair and eyes, eyes that were so like her own.
"I wish you were here, mum," Joeanne softly whispered. "I wish you could have met him." A lonely tear made its way down her cheek, as the young woman gently touched the picture with her fingertips.
After putting the picture back in its place and brushing back the tears, Joeanne walked over to her closet and picked up an old cardboard box. She seemed to hesitate before opening it. It had been years since she had last touched that box. In it lay all her memories of happy days, before everything had gone wrong. In it lay the last remnants of dreams long forgotten. And in it lay too, among the old pictures and keepsakes, her mother’s last present to her: a diary, with her name engraved in the leather cover.
"Write in it every feeling, every thought. Even the bad ones. It is the only friend who shall never fail you, reproach you or judge you. And you’ll be able to learn from it whenever you read what you have written on it," she had said, that first Christmas spent at the Smiths. Only two years before the true cornerstone of the Darnell family had been stolen away from them.
Carefully, almost fearfully, Joeanne leafed through the diary, noticing how the ink had faded from the early entries and how scarce they had become later, as the dates neared the time of Sally going into trouble. That was the time I closed up my heart for good, she thought, amazed at the fact that the bitterness had somehow disappeared. That was the time my dreams went as blank as the pages of this diary.
A smile crept to her lips as she recalled the real reason of the change. The warmth of Dan’s kisses was still lingering on her lips and she reached up to touch them as she closed her eyes. They hadn’t shared vows of eternal love or anything. In fact, the word love hadn’t even been mentioned and for that Joeanne had been grateful. Things had changed at a mind-numbing speed and she wasn’t sure if she could deal with the implications of such a word. She didn’t doubt her feelings, or his, for that matter. But she was grateful they had reached an unspoken agreement of taking things slow.
Joeanne leaned back on the pillows and sighed as her fingers caressed the soft leather cover of the diary. She hadn’t touched it for years, let alone read it or write in it. She had been afraid to dream and to remember she once had dreamt. So maybe now was the time she took a trip down memory lane and rediscovered herself. Yes, this was the right time.
The first entries made her smile as they took her back to the happy years at the Smiths. That she had been that happy then came as a surprise. She hardly remembered it, with all that came afterwards.
I wish I had known, she thought, I would have enjoyed those moments even more and never let an inch of that happiness disappear from my mind.
As she leafed through the pages, her eyes grew misty from unshed tears of longing and her lips wore a soft smile. Amongst the entries were also drawings. She was amazed to find Mr. and Mrs. Smith smiling at her, and all her family. She and Sally had always been talented when it came to drawing. But like everything else that had also been put aside in later years, part of a past to happy to remember.
She gasped when she found a picture of her mother braiding Sally’s hair and the tears suddenly found their way down her cheeks. Oh, mama, I’m so sorry I forgot you telling me to be happy! I just wanted to be as strong as you were, Joeanne’s fingers softly ran over the picture as if she was truly caressing her mother.
After a while, Joeanne managed to turn the page. She knew what the next entries would be like. But now she was ready for them.
July 12th
Mama is sick. No one will tell me what’s wrong with her but I know it has to be serious. Mrs. Smith won’t stop baking and I know she only does that when she’s truly upset. At least that keeps the boys distracted! But Sally won’t be fooled. I’ve tried to take her outside but she keeps rushing back inside. I wish there was something I could do. I’ve never seen Daddy looking so sad, not even when we lost the farm.
July 15th
Now I know I was right. The doctor has been here and he wasn’t looking very happy.
Daddy said he wanted to talk to me because I was the oldest and that I had to be very brave for my brothers and sister sake. He said mama is very ill and that he doesn’t know if she’ll ever get better. He said that it had nothing to do with us, that she had been sick for a long time now, and that we should keep our best behaviour so she won’t get tired.
I’ll try my best. I’ll take care of the babies and Sally for her. Maybe if I do, mama will be able to get better after all.
August 1st
Mama has gone to heaven. I know she’s not suffering anymore though I wish she was still here. Mrs. Smith says she’s in a better and prettier place and that she will look after us from there. But I want her to rest now. She never had much time to rest. I’ll take care of everything now, so that she can rest. I haven’t been able to cry yet, but something is hurting inside. I wish I could cry, but I must be strong. Sally and Daddy are terribly sad and so are the boys, though I don’t think they really know what’s happened. I still can’t believe I’ll never see her again. But I promise I’ll take care of the family, like she always taught me to. Maybe if I do they won’t be so sad.
September 15th
We came back to Sleepyside. Daddy wasn’t able to stay at the Smith’s anymore. It was too painful. He managed to get our farm back. I think Mr. Lynch must have helped out. He was very kind when mama died. He even offered for me and the boys to spend a while at his place. He said that with all the nannies they have it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. But I wouldn’t leave Daddy alone now and the kids wouldn’t go without me. And I think Daddy would have missed them terribly. But now we’re back anyway.
Diana has come around to visit but we’re so different and I have so much to do that I don’t think she felt very comfortable. Jim and the girls also came around. They’re nice and I wish I could go riding and swimming with them, but I can’t. I have to mind the kids and the house. I know Daddy keeps insisting I should have more fun, but I’m the big sister. And I promised Mama I would look out for them.
October 1st
I hardly have time to write now, with all the schoolwork and keeping an eye on Sally and the boys. She’s turning out to be quite a handful. She’s becoming pretty spoiled, but I haven’t the heart to punish her for it. I think she’s the one who misses Mama the most. The boys were still very young and I guess I took her place as their Mommie so to speak. But Sally was very attached to her.
Jim and the others keep asking me to hang out with them. They have a sort of semi-secret club (well, it really isn’t secret since everyone knows about it.) and they do all kinds of cool stuff. I wish I could join them, but I simply don’t have the time. Besides I don’t think they would understand the kind of life I lead. I know they all have assigned chores and such, but I’m different. I have my brothers and sister to raise and my father to look after. He’s still pretty down in the dumps right now and he keeps working till late hours so he won’t think about Mama so much. He says it’s because he has our future to think of, but I know better. Still, he trusts me and I can’t let him down.
Suddenly Joeanne felt 14 all over again. She had shoved the pain of those years deep down in her memory and suddenly she became aware of how hard it had been then. The thing was then she probably didn’t have the time to think about that either. She had a mission to fulfill and she couldn’t let anyone down. Except herself. Joeanne hated to feel sorry for herself but she couldn’t help pitying the little girl that had written those lines and wishing she could go back in time and tell her younger self that she shouldn’t keep all that to herself. That there was no use in being proud. What if I did? Would that have changed anything? she asked herself, as she sighed. And in her heart she knew that the pain would have been easier to deal with if she had had friends to share it with.
As she turned the page, Joeanne’s eyes widened. Dan Mangan’s piercing dark eyes were staring at her right from the page. This probably was one of the last pictures I ever drew, she thought, as she touched the image lovingly, I don’t even remember drawing it.
Eagerly she read the next entry.
October 10th
Today I saw him again. He’s a friend of Jim’s. His name is Dan and it seems he came from New York to live with his uncle. People say he was in a gang, but I don’t believe it. He looks so serious, so observing. And he’s gorgeous, too! I almost joined them for lunch today but I have no place there. They are the liveliest people in the cafeteria and they’re always exchanging their private jokes and stories. They are always smiling and I’m really not in the mood for smiling lately.
By now the entries became more and more scarce. The next entry dated December 20th.
Some girls have all the luck. Hallie Belden, Trixie’s cousin came to Sleepyside for Christmas. I saw her hanging out with them at Wimpy’s when I took Sally to the dentist the other day. She’s so beautiful! No wonder Dan looks at her that way. I wonder if someone will look at me that way one day? Not that I believe it but it would be nice anyway.
The mention of Hallie’s name gave Joeanne a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. No matter how secure she was of Dan’s feelings, to think about Hallie was still torture. But she figured the feeling would go away eventually.
Her eyes roamed the pages, remembering the events she had registered. There weren’t many of them, mostly things about Sally or the boys, or her accomplishments at school. Then suddenly she found herself three years after she had returned to Sleepyside.
June 2nd
I can’t believe I’ve been asked to the prom! I wasn’t even thinking in going. But Peter asked me. He’s a nice guy, not the kind that thinks he’ll score on prom night. He knows I usually don’t have much fun and I guess that why he asked me. I mean, he’s good looking and all and he could have asked any other girl. But it was me he asked. He’s a good friend.
June 15th
I never made it to the prom. Sally had a temper tantrum because she wanted me to stay home and fix a dress she wants to wear tomorrow to a friend’s party. She started screaming and yelling, saying no one cares about her and Dad didn’t have a clue on what to do! Kenny and Davey were getting scared so I called Peter and called it off. I hope he won’t be very angry. Well, it’s not like he can’t get a date at the last minute!
Sally calmed down and I fixed her dress. She even apologized. But then it was to late to go anyway. It was all for the best really. I’m afraid Peter is having ideas about us and I really don’t have time for that.
That was the last entry. The rest of the thick journal was empty, the pages as blank as her dreams had probably become after that night. She didn’t have to read any diaries to remember what had happened after that. Everything went downhill from then on. Until the day a young man with piercing dark eyes had looked at her at last.
Taking a deep, cleansing breath, Joeanne knew it was time to start over. A time to recover dreams, hopes and old friends. She softly caressed the worn leather cover and picked up a pen.
She hesitated, not really knowing what to write, but then she started.
March 18th
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. But then Mama said I should write down my dreams and hopes. I haven’t had any for some time now. She also said I should write down my fears and nightmares, because I might learn from them later on. Well, I did learn from them and I never had to write them down. Anyway, dreams and hopes I have plenty of, right now, though I’m still a bit scared. And I also have someone to share them with me. Someone who will also help me face my fears and my nightmares. I hope I’ll have a lot to share with you, dear diary, in times to come. I think I’ll finally take up on Di and Jim’s lunch invitations. I’m a part of the club now. Everything has changed so fast I don’t really know how to describe it all or how to start writing about it. I have no words to say what this all really means to me.
But I don’t have to write it down, do I? Because I’ll never forget it. It’s the past and I’ve dwelled in it long enough. My future starts now and that’s all that matters.
Joeanne put the pen down and rested her head back on the pillows. A soft smile crept to her lips and she looked back to her mothers picture. Her soft brown eyes stared at her gently and Joeanne could swear her smile had grown even more tender. Reaching out, Joeanne touched the delicate silver frame, the longing in her heart as intense as ever but no longer painful.
"Mrs. Smith was right, wasn’t she?" she whispered softly. "You kept on looking after us. But I was just to stubborn to let you do it. You always said I was stubborn. Well, you were right. You were right all along."
The young woman just lay there, gazing at her mother’s picture for a long time until sleep won over her and she let herself be carried away in the deepest sleep she had enjoyed in years. And in her arms she still held her journal, the keeper of her past and future dreams.
And maybe it was just the reflection of the headlights of some car passing by coming through the window, but if Joeanne had been awake she would have seen her mother’s eyes sparkling.
The End