rated * non-traditional
A Midsummer Night’s Unfortunate Events
by Alexi
Part IThe Bob-Whites were laying sprawled on the grass.
Brian stood up abruptly and cleared his throat. “Ahem.”
The others sat up to look at him, clearly surprised. The dark haired boy gestured pompously to his right—for no apparent reason—then began.
“Dear friends, acquaintances, fellow Bob-Whites, and other various attendees, I am delighted to inform you that I have obtained the dizzying heights of a post graduate—”
(Here the author blanked out. She expresses her most sincere apologies, but does point out that she doubts most would have lasted any longer. The author assumes Brian continued on a similar track for the next three and a half hours that our dear author wasn’t listening.)
Three and a half hours later
Trixie was throwing socks at Mart’s sleeping form. Brian, of course, was still droning. Di was examining her fingernails and batting her eyelashes coquettishly. At whom, no one knew. Jim stood on Jupiter’s back, trying unsuccessfully to juggle Moms’ cherry muffins. Honey was tactfully catching the flyaway pastries and feeding them to Patch. Dan was sadly absent. From where, no one was sure.
The calm was shattered when a miniscule water balloon hit Brian in the eye.
His friends, screaming, ran helter-skelter for the woods. Bob-White calls filled the air.
(Our helpful author begs pardon for not recording Brian’s actions, as she was busy following the other frightened birdies. She, at this point, began to wish she was dreaming.)
Di was by far the most gone. By a long shot.
(Yours Truly had to settle for following Mart, as Di was unavailable)
Mart screeched to a halt, and clutched his hair. It was growing again. He howled, and retreated.
(Your correspondent now turned her attention to Honey, who was passing)
Unlike the others, Honey was no longer running. Instead, she was crooning softly to her sweater. Why, no one could tell. At any rate, the sweater seemed to enjoy it.
(Our informant caught a few phrases, but not enough to put into logical sentences. Besides, she doesn’t know French.)
“Three leaves! Three leaves! Look around you! POISON!” Dan roared, charging into the clearing.
“Why, that’s Sergeant Molinson’s nickname for me!” Trixie said wonderingly. “How did you ever guess?”
(Our friend is still trying to figure out where Trixie had come from.)
“Ooh,” Honey cooed to her shirt, “Did nasty old leafies hurt little precious?” She made a peculiar hissing sound. “My preciouss, my preciousss...”
(The author resisted the urge to gag)
“Yes?” Brian queried, coming up behind her.
And that’s when it happened.
A weird song burst out of the sweater, accompanied by Honey’s high-pitched singing.
Brian frowned, then beamed.
“It’s ‘Here we go around the mulberry bush’, isn’t it?”
Honey looked disgruntled. “No, it’s Greensleeves.”
“Oh.” Trixie sounded disappointed. “I thought it was ‘Old MacDonald had a Farm.”
“And I thought—and I still think—that it’s ‘Dust in the Wind’. It is, isn’t it?” Dan asked.
“No, no, NO!” Honey wailed. “IT’S GREEENSLEEVES!”
(It sounded, our friend points out, nothing like any of these)
“Really?” Dan asked skeptically. “Don’t you think you are taking this joke a bit too far?”
“I’M NOT JOKING! IT’S GREENSLEEVES!” Honey shrieked.
“Uh-uh. Sure,” Dan replied unbelievingly.
“AAAAHHHHHH—”
“Okay, okay!” Dan interrupted hastily.
Honey stopped, but refused to look at him.
(Our dear correspondent says to mention that she couldn’t believe how everyone was acting)
Di minced into the clearing.
“Did you miss me?” she simpered.
“Miss you? Oh...of course we did...were you lost or something? Hey, where are Jim and Mart?” Trixie asked, sounding distracted.
(Yours truly was relieved—however prematurely—to see that someone could actually think coherently.)
A spasm of laughter came from above their heads.
As one, the entire group (Including our charming friend) looked to the trees above. Jim and Mart sat there, hooting with laughter. At what, no one could guess. Everyone (but the author) looked entirely unconcerned.
(Our correspondent thought about scaling the trees, but decided against it, having a strong fear of heights)
But no one expected what happened next.
With a flash like lightning, Bobby materialized into view.
All present (other then our acquaintance) screamed with laughter, tears of mirth running down their cheeks.
(The author failed to find anything funny in this. She had been rather startled, if anything)
“How’d you DO that?” Jim asked, before collapsing back into wild peals of laughter.
Suddenly Di stood up, a dangerous glint in her eyes.
“I was going to do what you did, Bobby. You stole my idea! And just think, I was the one who taught you in the first place! Shame on you!”
Bobby hung his head. And sprouted wings. As well as a halo, and a pink bow-and-arrow.
He made a perfect little cupid.
“Oooh!” Di squealed, her anger forgotten. “Does that bow work? Can I use it? Please?”
Bobby screwed up his face. “NO. It’s MINE. YOU can’t have it. So there.”
And at that moment he started shooting.
Honey took the first shot.
She paused. For a fleeting moment, an expression of disbelieve crossed her face.
Then it was gone, replaced by a look of sickening devotion. “Bobby! That halo looks perfect with your curls!” Honey gushed.
“Oh, what lovely, golden curls...lovely, golden curls...lovely, gol—”
A sudden flurry of arrows flew forth, peppering the trees, the ground; everything and everyone in the clearing.
And when the dust cleared, a very strange scene was revealed...
Jim was looking at Di with utter adoration, and visa-versa.
Dan was staring dreamily at the author, unfortunately along with Mart.
Honey, of course, continued to mutter about lovely golden curls.And now we reach the most disturbing part of this bizarre story yet.
Trixie was gazing lovingly at Mr. Maypenny, who had come out of nowhere.
And the author was peering affectionately at Jim.(I was hard pressed to get anything out of the author other than, “Oh, my sweet, beloved...Oh, my darling doesn’t love me, but I love my little red-haired duck...Those green eyes are like the grass cuttings that litter my lawn...” This time, it was I that tried not to gag. I did finally manage to get her back on track by assuring her that Jim would love her more if she followed through with her undertakings.)
In a matter of seconds, all was chaos.
The air was filled with spur-of-the-moment proposals and pledges of undying love, making the very dirt cover its ears.
Just when the babbling was reaching an unbearable level, a sound like a giant gong brought sudden silence...
A voice rang out. “You have summoned me. It is I, THE ANSWER, and it is quite fortunate that you met me. For if anyone asks you if you know THE ANSWER, you will truthfully be able to tell them you do. Every time. Excellent bragging rights. So, ask away!”
(There was a slight tussle as the BWGs each fought to be first in line.)It was Dan who got to the chance.
(It was recorded in the Guinness Book Of World Records as the first time that he ever did. And last, though they didn’t know that at the time.)
“I want to know whether the Trixie books will be reprinted fully.”
“YES! Next in line, hurry up, hurry up...”
“Will the Trixie Board stand the test of time?” (It was Brian who spoke)
“The answer is OF COURSE.”
“You’re of course?” It was Trixie, perplexed.
“OF COURSE! I SHOULD SAY NOT! That’s only half the equation, little lady. Of course I’m THE ANSWER, not just ‘of course’. NEXT!”
“But I didn’t get my question!”
“You sure as shootin’ did! What do you think you just got? NEXT!”
Trixie retreated, feeling very cheated.
“Will I ever be ugly?” Di said fretfully.
“YOU WILL BE ATTRACTIVE NO MATTER WHAT. Perhaps you might not think so, if you knew what you will look like. But were I you, I wouldn’t worry about it. You’ve got enough problems. NEXT!”
“Should I grow my hair out?” Mart asked dubiously.
“NOW YOU’VE DONE IT! There’s MORE-THAN-ONE Answer! FINE. I’ll give you one answer, she’ll give you the other. Mine:
YES!”“I’m MORE-THAN-ONE Answer. Your Answer: NO!”
“Well, of all the...” Mart said in disgust. “What kind of an answer is that?”
“I TOLD YOU. THE OTHER ANSWER. I’ve never heard such idiots in my life!” THE ANSWER roared.
Jim walked up. “Will Mart make an adequate farmer for my boy’s school?”
“Absolutely not! NEXT!”
Finally, it was Honey’s turn.
“Will any of the criminals we’ve defeated seek revenge?”
“EVERY ONE,” THE ANSWER said matter-of-factly. “NEXT!”
“Will they succeed?” Honey persisted.
“I SAID NEXT!”
(The author stepped up determinedly.)
“Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”
With a crash like thunder, both ANSWERs vanished.
“Well, there you are,” Brian whispered. “There is no answer.”
At that moment, Hallie walked into the clearing.“Now look at this!” she drawled. “What on earth are you doing?”
Everyone simultaneously groaned, then tried to stifle it.
“Um, Hallie?” It was Dan who spoke. “Do you think you could drop the drawl? I mean, you don’t truly have a drawl, do you?”
“Naw,” Hallie drawled.
No one quite knew what to say. Silence reigned.
After a moment, Trixie cautiously ventured a query. “Um...Why do you do it, then?”
Hallie looked annoyed. “’Cause I like it,” she drawled.
Everyone gave up. “Perhaps we might want to be heading home before something else happens?” Honey asked tentatively.
Mart shook his head. “It was just getting interesting! We can’t go home now!”
“How about this instead? We go into town and see anything happens there?” was Di’s unusually helpful suggestion. (Alas, the moment was brief, and she returned to buffing her nails)
“I’m stayin’ riiiight here,” Hallie drawled
“Well, that’s no skin of my nose,” Trixie snapped, and for once no one disagreed with her.
Hallie burst into wild sobs and started pounding the ground. “No one understands meeee...Nobody thinks of meeee...What about meee?!”
The group stared at her with immense irritation.
“So it’s settled then. Hallie, you can follow us, or not follow us!” Jim shouted over her screams of rage. “It’s entirely up to you.
They fled, Hallie’s drawling wails filling the air.
When they had retreated out of hearing range, the group breathed a collective sigh of relief.
“Well, I’m glad that’s over,” Brian said, not without some satisfaction.
The others were similarly affected.
“Let’s whistle while we work...” Honey started.
Everyone’s mood was much improved.
A pit opened up beneath their feet. As they slid through the chute, (Eerily similar to Trixie’s fall in Idaho) they brought down a pile of twigs and grass.
Maniacal laughter filled their ears...
To their shock, Dick the Drip was leering down at them.
The BWGs (And the Author) gasped.
Mart looked disgusted. “And here I was thinking you’d be the last one to try and get revenge. We should have listened to The Answer.”
“HAHAHAHA!” Dick snarled. “I shall make you pay!”
“Unlikely.” Someone they couldn’t see said in a cold voice.
They exchanged a glance. Had help arrived?No such luck. The voice belonged to Tilney Britten. Dressed in a toga made of pale green lace, he looked odd beyond description.
Di sniffed. “Green lace...It’s not in good taste.”
Her foe looked outraged. “I’ll have you know, I spent at least $400 of my piggy bank on this!”
The girl wrinkled her nose. “Still...It’s not nice. You ought to know better, Tilly boy!”
His shoulders slumped. “Do you really think so?” he asked, sounding more like a guilty boy than a hardened criminal.
“Yes, it is. Go change before someone sees you! Shame!”
He left. The other occupants looked at their friend with renewed respect.
Apparently she was more useful in an altered universe.
Alas, their respite was short-lived. Before long yet another person wandered to the edge out their pit.
It wasn’t, however, a criminal. It wasn’t even someone they had suspected.
It was Gaye Hunya.
The group winced as one. This day was just getting better all the time.
Gaye tripped, and plummeted down to join them.
Jim caught her...
She opened her eyes dreamily. “My Prince...” she murmured.
Her savior gagged, nearly dropped his burden, and turned to Mart.
“Why didn’t you catch her?” he demanded irritably.
“Methinks, you would make a far superior beau than I,” Mart returned humbly.
Jim looked highly affronted.
Mart backed off. “Okay, okay...”
“Psst!” Honey hissed. “Dick’s still there. What are we going to do about him?”
“Hit him on the head with a rock, of course,” Trixie insisted.
“Only one problem with that, Trix. No rocks. In fact, the only things we have are twigs and leaves. Very leafy twigs. And exceedingly twiggy leaves.” Dan said seriously.Trixie glared at him. “What about Gaye?” She suggested sarcastically.
To her immense surprise, the others took her seriously.
“You know, that might not be such a bad idea,” Brian commented thoughtfully. “And if I stand over here, it’d be just in my range.”
“Good thinking, Trix,” Jim told the openmouthed blond, who, at that, forced herself to be strait-faced.
Gaye was passed from hand to hand until she reached Brian. He plucked her solemnly from Trixie, bowed, and took aim.
It was beautiful to behold. She sailed in a lazy ark over their heads, then seemed to glide forward—and slammed into Dick with more force than the BWGs would have thought possible...
Jim gave Gaye an appraising glance as she and Dick crashed out of sight. “She was more useful than I would have guessed.”
They didn’t have long to wait for their next visitor.
Interestingly, the next in line was Bull Thomson. Why this was interesting, no one was quite sure. They simply knew that it was.
“Hoho!” he sneered. “All of the little birds caught in a snare. Well, I know just how to make you pay!”
“Now look here!” Mart barked angrily. “Wait just a moment! How’d you get out of that—What was it? That place you were sent?”
Bull growled. “None of your business! Be quiet and don’t ask any more questions! This is going to take a lot of energy!” As he said this, he began a spectacular sort of flipping dance that left his viewers so amazed that they didn’t think to interrupt him.
It was quite impressive.
When he finished, Jim looked at him admiringly. “Could you teach me how to do that?” he asked eagerly.
Bull simply snarled, then shouted, “Mirror, mirror on the wall! Do your best to confuse them all!”
All was confusion. Id looked around dizzily, muttering, “Go Thomson Bull did where? Do he did what?”
The other GWBs were similarly affected, as was Author The.
Yenoh gasped. “ Alright you are, Id? No! Too me not!”
Tram shook his head. “Brains scrambled have girls you.”
Eixirt burst out laughing. “We do, brains scrambled have we, oh? Talking who’s look!”
Nairb groaned. “Usual than sense less even making are two you!”
Nad once again became the voice of reason—or as close to reason as he could manage. “Here boat same the in all we’re, look. This fix to how idea any have you of any do?”
“Again that say you can?” Mij queried.
“It decipher just!” Nad growled.
“Testy get to need no!”
“Too testy be you’d, well!”
“Hush!” Author The whispered hoarsely. “Think to supposed I am how? Quiet be just! Away day the bickering to back go all can you then.”
Unfortunately, the blessed silence was interrupted all too soon...
Al* looked down at them with amusement.
Eixirt and Yenoh, the only ones able to recognize him, exchanged looks. “Ugh!” Yenoh burst out. “On go to going this is longer much how? Disgusting is this! Want you do what?”
Al paled. “You’re mad.
Mij hissed angrily. “Insane not we’re you tell can I but, are you who know don’t I, look! Be may you though!”
Al took another step back, glancing at the group nervously.
“Away go just!” Id shrilled. “Beast you, get! Go just! It mean I!”
At that their opponent screamed, “NOOO! I’m hearing things! I’m going mad! HELLLP!” and ran out of the clearing.
“Right it got finally he, well,” Tram commented moodily. “Do to going we are what? This stop to need we!”
“It got I’ve,” Author The said suddenly. “Think I.”
“Do we should what?” the GWBs inquired breathlessly.
“Reverse in did Bull what do to got we’ve that be may it, well. Logical be that wouldn’t, mean I?”
“Yeah...” Nad muttered doubtfully. “Dance that do can we think you if but...”
“Dance the not!” Author The said huffily. “Speak to so, incantation the—the just.”
“Goes here, well,” Nad stated gloomily. “Wall the on mirror, mirror! All us fix to best your do!”
Nairb shook his head. “It about go to way the not that’s. Right out come will it then, backwards it say to try have you, see.”
Author the looked at him admiringly.
“Fine, okay. Mirror, mirror on the wall,” Nad grunted slowly. “Do best your—Ugh! Over start. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Do your best fix—Again not! Mirror, mirror on the wall. Do your best to fix us all!”
A pause as the GWBs got up their courage.
“Work it did?” Id ventured meekly.
As their howls of rage and disgust rose to an unbearable level, Author The cringed and covered her ears.
(Liking her for coyotes rabid like much to far a sounded GWBs the that say to said she.)
“WAIT! It get I, it get I, it get I!” Yenoh screeched. “IT GOT I’VE!”
“Point the get we, okay, okay. Solution the what’s so?” Mij asked.
“Backwards did Bull what exactly say to got we’ve! Said he what of opposite the be will it then, said he what say to try to got just we’ve, mean I. Image mirror the! It get!?!”
“Did I how know don’t I that phrased you way the with though, it get do I! Scrambled about talk!” Tram groaned.
“It do I’ll!” Eixirt squealed. “Wall the on mirror, mirror. All them confuse to best your do!”
A shriek sliced through the air, followed by another, then a cry of triumph. Multi colored lightning flashed as flaming rubies plummeted from the sky.
When the deluge finally ended, the group surveyed the damage...
Other than Mart, who had been knocked out by a particularly erratic gem, the BWGs seemed to be unharmed.
“Well...” the Author gulped. “Shall we—IT WORKED! WE’RE FIXED!”
“Er, um, don’t you think we should do something about Mart?” Di asked the cheering throng timidly.
“What? Oh, right. Yeah, I guess,” Dan said before turning back to the party.
“Does anybody know what to do about Mart?” Di demanded, a little more forceful.
“Oh, yes, of course.” Brian smiled absently.
“WILL SOMEONE COME OVER HERE AND HELP ME WITH MART!?!” Di bellowed furiously.
That got their attention. The group rushed over as one; within minutes Mart was revived and gleefully waving his jewel above his head to the jealous looks of his companions. “Look at it! See the rich, deep color? And the size! It’s what they call a ‘pigeon’s blood’ ruby, the most valuable kind! Can you believe my luck?” Mart shoved it front of each person in turn, his face positively glowing with satisfaction.
His companions were clearly getting annoyed, but thankfully there was a diversion in the form of Pierre Lontard.
It was such a relief. At least, it was until they realized who they were looking at.
Pierre’s eyes, however, were fixed upon Mart’s ruby.“I want your ruby. Hand it over,” Lontard said clearly.
Mart’s hand tightened protectively over his prize.
“I want the ruby. Give it now.”
Mart glared at him. “I won’t!”
“Now!”
“No!”
“Now, or I will hit you with my shovel!”
“I’ll give it to you, if you throw us the shovel first,” Mart said slyly.
“Ha! And just how likely is it that I can trust you to give me the ruby?”
“More likely than us trusting you to throw us the shovel,” Mart retorted sourly.
Lontard seemed to consider the issue. “Fine. If you do anything funny, I will personally whack each of you with my broom.”
“Deal.”
Clunk. (shovel)
WHAM. (ruby)
Ku-clunk. (Lontard pitching into pit)
Plunk—”YOW!” (Ruby falling back into pit, Lontard yelling with the impact as it hits) Slith-WHUMP. (Broom sliding over the edge and into pit)
“Yowch!” (Jim’s pained reaction to being scraped by the broom)
“Are you alright!?! (Trixie’s frantic reaction to Jim’s pained reaction to being scraped by the broom)
“Aw, he’ll be fine.” (Dan’s nonchalant reaction to Trixie’s frantic reaction to Jim’s pained reaction to being scraped by the broom)
“Don’t you even care?” (Honey’s irritated reaction to Dan’s nonchalant reaction to Trixie’s frantic reaction to Jim’s pained reaction to being scraped by the broom)
“Well, it WAS just a broom.” (Di’s matter-of-fact reaction to Honey’s irritated reaction to Dan’s nonchalant reaction to Trixie’s frantic reaction to Jim’s pained reaction to being scraped by the broom)
“Well, let’s just ask him. Jim, are you alright?” (Brian’s calm reaction to Di’s matter-of-fact reaction to Honey’s irritated reaction to Dan’s nonchalant reaction to Trixie’s frantic reaction to Jim’s pained reaction to being scraped by the broom)
“What? Oh, I’m fine. Was that what you all were arguing about?” (Jim’s startled reaction to Brian’s calm reaction to Di’s matter-of-fact reaction to Honey’s irritated reaction to Dan’s nonchalant reaction to Trixie’s frantic reaction to Jim’s pained reaction to being scraped by the broom)
“HOW AM I GOING TO GET OUT OF HERE!?!” Lontard bellowed, disturbing the growing tension.
“That’s why we wanted the shovel,” Mart said, his voice a tad too patient. “It’s very simple. All you have to do is dig. Why don’t you get to it?” he finished pleasantly.
Lontard glared at him. “Why don’t you?” he barked.
Mart shrugged. “Why? I like it in here. Besides, if I do, than you’ll get out, and having you trapped in here is far more entertaining.”
His rival glared at him with unspeakable rage and grabbed the shovel. “Start digging!” he demanded, brandishing his tool.
Mart shrugged again. “Alright. Give me the shovel.”
At that moment, Lontard realized the trap. If he didn’t give Mart the shovel, Mart couldn’t dig. If he did hand over the weapon, Mart would have no reason to dig.
Lontard continued to glower, as he couldn’t think of anything better to do.
And glower.
And glower.
And glower.
He continued to glower even as The Author walked over and yanked the shovel out of his hand.
He went back to glowering, once again being unable to find a better plan of attack.
Finally, worn to a frazzle with his excessive use of facial muscles, Lontard gave up, his shoulders slumped.The Bob-Whites grinned as the sound of digging filled their ears.
With salvation approaching, the entire group prepared to relax...just to be interrupted yet again.
This time in the form of Slim. Both Slims as a matter of fact.
Dan looked up, and roared with laughter. “Who’s slimmer, Slims?”
Overcome with his own wit, Dan rolled around on the floor, not even bothering to wait for the answer.
(Which really is quite wise, as The Answer doesn’t exist! The Author realized after a moment.)
Choking on his own laughter, Dan suddenly became aware that there was a a floating letter in front of his eyes.
Snatching it from the air, and suppressing his chuckles, he began to read:
Dear Dan, or perhaps not so dear, and perhaps not so Dan,We think you ought to know that we weigh exactly the same. But then YOU had to ask the forbidden question. Who’s slimmer? Well, I, Slim, am taller. But, you see, Slim is more muscled. And muscles weigh more than fat. So, in conclusion, there is no conclusion. At least, if there is, I’m not aware of it, or at least if I’m aware of it, I wouldn’t tell you.
Sincerely, or else not so sincerely,
Slim & Slim
Dan frowned. He seemed to be having some trouble puzzling out the note.
Di took it from him confidently. “Here, let ME try.” She studied it carefully. “Hmmm. Okay, got it. He’s saying he doesn’t know.” She beamed brightly.
Jim rolled his eyes. “Thanks for the brain wave.”
The Author, feeling distinctly bored with all the squabbles, created her own diversion.
“So,” she began hastily, “Lontard. About finished?”
He was nowhere to be found. Instead, a meandering tunnel wound away from them, deep into the side of the hole...
“Well, well, well,” The Author commented. “I’m impressed. Very impressed. Shall we try it out?”
She was ignored. The BWGs were arguing blithely, unaware of her discovery.
“Oh, come on. “ She groaned. “LISTEN! WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE!”
She was once again ignored. Furious, The Author stalked out.
Once in the dark of the cave, however, she began to regret her decision. As odd as her ‘friends’ were, they at lest were company. (She couldn’t help but consider that if they were here, they could go first, clearing any unpleasant surprises out of the way.)
About to turn back, The Author was practically run over by the BWGs, who shot into the tunnel like bats out of Hell.
Well, that solves that problem. Now to find out what they’re running from! The Author thought, amused.
A deep growl filled the air.
“Run!” Jim shouted. “I’ll hold it off!”
What ‘It’ was would soon become apparent. A large rhinoceros beetle.
Di let loose a squeal that went on and on and on...
“EEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKK! I HATE BEETLES! UGH! Why, oh, why couldn’t it have been a snake?” Di mourned, pressing herself against the wall. “Why, oh, why...”
She got her wish.
With a crack, the beetle transformed into a copperhead.
“Oooohh,” Di moaned. “Just go away! Why, oh, why, couldn’t you have been—”
She was cut off abruptly. Five people stood before her, in a row. Jeff, from two, “Juliana” from seventeen, Blinky, Pedro and Big Tony from twelve.
Each Bob-White gagged three times in unison, gulped, and shook their heads.
(The Author simply stuck her tongue out, then berated herself for indulging in such childlike behavior. )
“I DO!” the Juliana imposter screeched, then rejoiced as her life time dream came true...
She was finally married to her beloved, Big Tony. The man of a lifetime. Her childhood sweetheart, the man of her dreams...He had given her many beautiful gifts, and though his source was questionable, she was too in love with him—or the presents—to care.
Blinky was the best man, something that had caused copious problems and rifts. Pedro had also felt the right to this position.
Jeff, of course, was the minister. And quite a nice one he made, too. With sparkling ropes of diamonds around his scrawny neck, and scarlet jeans, he was the picture of elegance.
The BWGs were once again rendered speechless by the grandeur of their surroundings.
Somehow, two large, pink plastic chandeliers had suspended themselves from the roof of the cave. Not only that, but some elaborate pepper shakers were resting, half buried, in the floor.
It was a sight that most would kill to see, but only a few would ever witness.
For the few that did, it was something they would never forget.
Wiping tears of emotion off their cheeks, the BWGs drank in the image before them, to be held forever in their memories and passed from generation to generation. (Even The Author felt herself tearing up, not so much because of what she was seeing, but having everyone else crying made her cry too. )
Plink.
Tilney Britten materialized in front of Jim.
Plink.
As did Dick.
Plonk.
And Slim.
Plink.
And Slim.
SPLASH.
Snipe Thompson emerged from the lake.
(The Author says to say that perhaps you didn’t notice the description of a lake in earlier chapters. If you fall into this category, you a perfectly normal and observant person. Congratulations.)
The intruders roared and brandished their toothpicks.
“Um, hi!” Dan said nervously. “Er—Need something? Um, if not, we could just...help you on your way, is that alright?” he asked hopefully.
Apparently not. The angry mob snarled all the more loudly and bared their pointed teeth.
Dan shot a glance a his companions. What on earth were they supposed to do? Here they were, surrounded by Long-Toothed Maniacs, with no means of protection...
Di let out a piercing screech as the ground beneath her feet swelled and burst, leaving her standing on top of Mr. and Mrs. Aguilera.
(The Author says to say that if you don’t understand how Di was doing this, she won’t bother to explain. It is, she says, something you have to see to believe.)
A load of dust and pottery fragments showered down on the BWGs and the LTMs (Long-Toothed Maniacs) as Pierre Lontard broke through the roof of the cave.
At this Trixie lost her head completely.
She ran, wailing and moaning, down the tunnel and out into the intense sunlight.
And with her came a furious mass of Bob-Whites and LTMs...
And within minutes, the rapidly growing crowd of LTMs had the BWGS cornered.
Honey called for a time-out while they discussed their options.
(The Author says to say that she understood none of the conversation that followed this point, and she wouldn’t expect you to either)
“Well, it IS,” Mart muttered.
“She promised, but—” Jim added with a glance at their foes.
“Yeah, I know, and—” Brian broke in.
It seemed to be Honey’s turn. “Well, I don’t think that we’ve got any other...”
“Yeah,” Trixie finished.
“But—but—Oh, dear. Do you all remember what to say?” Di asked anxiously.
Her friends assured her that they did.
“I’ll start, then. IWANNABEABOBWHITEBECAUSEIDON’THAVEANY
CHOICE—”Dan continued, “IWANNABEABOBWHITEBECAUSEWE’RETRAPPEDANDIWANTTOGET AWAYANDIDON’TLIKELONG-TOOTHEDMANIACS--”
“IWANNABEABOBWHITEBECAUSEI’LLNEVERSOLVEANOTHERMYSTERYIFI
DON’TANDIDON’TWANTTHESEDUMBCRIMINALSTOGETTHEBETTEROFMEAT
ALL—ATALL—” Trixie groaned.“—IWANNABEABOBWHITEBECAUSEIWANTOTFLYAWAYONSILKEN WINGSFROMTHOSETHATTHREATENME—” Honey whispered softly.
“—IWANNABEABOBWHITEBECAUSEIDON’TLIKEAQUACLOUDSOR
HAMMERSORESHOVELSORBROOMSORRUBIESORTWIGGYLEAVES—” Mart went on pompously.“...IWANNABEABOBWHITEBECAUSEIFIDON’TI’LLNEVERSOARONTHEWIND,” Jim bellowed like an injured bull.
“...IWANNABEABOBWHITEEVENTHOUGHTHISISTAKINGSOLONGANDIS
SORIDICULOUSANDISTAKINGFOREVERANDLONGERTHAN...OH,JUSTMAKE
MEABOBWHITE!” Brian spat.And because it seemed the right thing to do at the moment, The Author joined in with all the BWGs and cried,
“I WANNA BE A BOB-WHITE!”
For a long moment, all was still. Even the wind stopped blowing, and a leaf that was falling to the ground paused in its journey.
And in that frozen instant, things began to change.
The group’s hair lengthened slowly, thickening and flattening, spreading gently over their entire bodies. Their mouths began to sharpen, becoming strangely pointy.
They were now Bob-White quails. Yet crouched beside the 7 larger birds was a tiny sparrow.
The flock rose as one and spiraled off into the setting sun...
It is said that on the anniversary of when the BWGs were freed, if you stand in the right clearing, in the right woods, at the right moment, you will hear their whistle on the wind. It is also said that on almost any day, at almost any time, in almost any clearing, in almost any woods, if you stand quietly, you can hear a sparrow’s chirp floating on the wind...The End
Chapter XII Notes: Okay, that’s all. :) Please tell me what you think!! (If you
review mine, I’ll review yours! :D)
Part four notes: If you like this last
part, you’ll probably enjoy The Phantom Tollbooth.
Also: Please tell me what you think!
NOTES: Okay, I found this funny when I wrote it. If you don’t, I don’t blame
you! But no one can say it’s not original! :D