*mild profanity, violence

"Tell me again why being here on a Saturday is a good idea?" Honey asked her partner and best friend, sitting on the couch in their front office. There was no way she wanted to even go near her desk.

"Our computer at home is down—I want to check my email," Trixie replied. "Besides, this is as good a meeting spot as any. Dan’s precinct is nearby, and Jim had some school stuff to take care of, so we had to take two cars." Her voice floated back from the other room.

"Geez, Brian’s working this afternoon too. How’d we end up marrying such workaholics?"

Trixie grinned to herself—she knew Honey wasn’t capable of staying mad at her oldest brother.

"It’s pure dedication baby," Jim said, walking into the office, catching his sister’s remark. He sat next to her and tousled her hair. "Am I late?"

"Dan’s not here yet," Honey replied, automatically lifting a slim hand to smooth the errant stands back into place, ducking as he playfully moved his hand towards her head again.

"That was fast," Trixie called. They could hear the clicking sounds of a computer keyboard.

"I’m getting a lot better at delegation. Hey, you’re not working on a case, are you?" Jim knew that once Trixie got involved in her work, it was almost impossible to pull her away.

"Nope, just answering a few emails." The typing noises soon stopped and Trixie emerged from the back. "See? I’m all done," she said, brushing her hands as if she’d just completed a Herculean task. "I wonder what’s keeping Dan? I’m starving!" She stopped by the front desk.

Jim and Honey smiled at her. "Your appetite’s getting as bad as Mart’s!" Honey teased, referring to Trixie’s ‘almost twin’ brother, whose eating habits were legendary.

"I know, it’s unbelievable," Trixie replied ruefully. "At least I’m not craving pickles."

"No, it’s golden delicious apples and tuna sandwiches," Jim said.

"Really?" Honey asked. "That’s a new one."

"I’ve talked to Moms, and she said she craved pineapple sodas with everyone of us. One time, she managed to sweet talk my dad into making her one at two o’clock in the morning!"

"You’ve nuts if you think I’m making you a tuna sandwich in the middle of the night," Jim grinned.

Honey looked at her brother fondly. Yeah right, big brother! she thought, but kept quiet.

Trixie glanced down at the desk. "Oh, the red light’s flashing. Maybe Dan left a message." She pushed the play button.

Beep! "Hi ladies, this is Stella. Just wanted to thank you again for doing your usual great job. Call me next week—let’s hook up for lunch; on me."

"Yes, my name Tom Mc Callister. I’m an attorney here in White Plains. Stella Lewis recommends you highly. Could you please call me at your earliest convenience? The number here is 914-993-0936. Thank you."

"Just wanted to let you know…I’m out. Knew you’d be thrilled. Have you missed me?" The voice was low and slightly hoarse. Trixie looked at Honey and held her palms up. Honey shook her head. "Oh come on, not even just a little bit? Or maybe…maybe you don’t remember me. Have you forgotten all the great times we had at NYU? Come on, it’s me…Kyle. Your old buddy."

The machine clicked to a stop. Trixie stared at it as if it were a snake about to strike, the color draining from her face as she unconsciously backed away from the phone, a small moan coming from her throat.

Jim and Honey rose and rushed over to her, Jim taking her arm and Honey grasping her hand. They led her over to the couch and sat her down between them. "Who is that?" Jim asked, his voice worried.

Trixie opened her mouth, closed it. Her vocal chords were paralyzed.

"I’ll get her some water," Honey said, dashing off to the little kitchenette. She returned with a paper cup and handed it to Trixie, who drank it down automatically. "Trixie, did he really go to NYU with us?"

Trixie nodded. "Yes," she said in a shaky tone.

"Kyle, Kyle…I don’t remember any K…oh!" Honey’s hazel eyes widened in remembrance.

"What?" Jim cut in.

"Remember how in our sophomore year, they arrested a student for stalking and attacking women? His name was Kyle. Kyle Dalton."

"Yeah, I remember that." Jim looked at Trixie, growing more and more concerned. "Did you know this guy?"

"He was in my English class," Trixie said softly. Jim waited, but she said no more.

"It was a terrible thing. Apparently he had attacked several students, but none of them ever came forward. They were too intimidated, or too ashamed to say anything."

"Then how was he finally convicted?"

"He finally attacked the wrong girl. She reported him to the campus police. It inspired all these women to come forward too."

"Who was she?"

"I don’t know. They kept her identity secret…" Honey broke off, her mouth dropping open as a sudden revelation filled her. "Trixie! It was you, wasn’t it?" Her voice was shocked.

"Trix?" Jim said, looking stunned.

Trixie closed her eyes and nodded.

"Oh my God," Jim said, filled with horror.

"It was right before finals. I was studying in the Library..." Trixie’s voice was low as she slowly told her story, going back to a time she thought she’d never have to think of again…

*     *     *

There were only two expressions to be found on most of the faces in the NYU Library—fear and panic. With only two weeks to go until finals, it was crunch time. Students who had spent much of the semester majoring in beer gathered at the tables, reading chapter summaries, wheedling and borrowing notes from their more responsible friends. Others desperately researched term papers, surrounded by books, magazines and computer printouts, their fingers flying over the keys of their laptops.

Trixie ignored the chaos, her head buried in her history notes, softly chanting dates to herself.

"In 1492, Columbus sailed the blue," a voice said to her left. "What else is there to know?"

Trixie raised her head. "Oh Kyle, it’s you," she muttered, annoyed. He attended her English 1B class, constantly disrupting it with his jokes and comments. Trixie couldn’t stand him—he reminded her of Honey’s cousin Ben Riker; rich, mocking, spoiled. At least Ben grew out of it. "I’m busy."

"Oh come on. What’s with you? You shouldn’t have trouble passing, you’re always studying and you turn in all your work like the good little girl you are." Kyle pulled the chair next to her out, turned it around and flopped nonchalantly into it, draping his arms over the back.

"I’m not worried about passing. I want to do well," Trixie said, pointedly picking up her notes and reburying her head into them.

"What do you care? Word on the street is you got some rich boyfriend back home…"

Trixie slapped her notes down onto the table. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Kyle covered his face. "Don’t hit me, don’t hit me!"

Trixie had to smile; Kyle could be a little amusing at times, she supposed. "Kyle, you are such an R.O.U.S." He looked at her blankly. "Rodent of Unusual Size," she explained. "Gleeps, you never study or do your work and yet you manage to miss one of the best movies of all time. Dude, there is no hope for you." She gave his arm a tiny push. "Now go away. I want to finish studying this timeline."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." To Trixie’s relief, he stood up. "See you on the flip side."

When Trixie lifted her head again, she was shocked to see that the library was almost completely empty. She glanced at her watch and gasped at the time. No wonder I’m so tired! She gathered up her books and papers, heading down the stairs and out onto the campus. It was a beautiful evening; the stars seemed to glow even more than normal. Trixie took a deep breath, suddenly filled with happiness. In just a few short weeks she would be home for the entire summer. And home meant barbecues, swimming, horseback riding, her friends, her family…and Jim.

"Hey…"

Trixie jumped, her dreams of home vanishing into the evening breeze. "Damn! You scared me!"

Kyle walked up to her, smiling his best smile. "Sorry. Just don’t like to see a pretty girl like yourself walking alone. May I walk you to your dorm, my lady?"

Trixie shrugged—walking with Kyle wasn’t exactly a dream come true, but he did have a point. She’d heard rumors that there was a stalker lingering on campus. How many times have my friends and family begged me not to do things alone? "Sure. Thanks."

They fell into step, Kyle going on and on about the parties he had attended, how much he had to drink, who threw up… "Um, Kyle? I can see my dorm from here, so…" Trixie couldn’t stand to hear another word. "Hey, what are you…"

"What is this crap? Am I not good enough for you, is that what it is?" Kyle spoke angrily, his fingers biting painfully into her arm. "You’re not so special. Damn little country girl. I’ve been with a ton of girls, a lot more sophisticated than you…"

"Then why don’t you go be with one of them and leave me the hell alone," Trixie bit out, jerking her arm.

Kyle’s eyes darkened, his face dangerous as he gripped her arm tighter. Suddenly, he clamped his other hand over her mouth, dragging her down the side of the dorm building. He slammed her painfully against the wall, lowering his hand and cramming his mouth on hers.

Trixie struggled to turn her head away, sickened. As soon as his mouth began to lift she screamed at the top of her lungs, but it was lost in the loud music coming from the nearest dorm rooms. Kyle slapped her roughly then shoved his hand down her shirt. "I’ll make you sorry you were ever born if you tell anyone," he rasped, pinning her against the wall as his hands violated her. It was all happening so fast.

"Paaaar-taaaaaay!" a voice screamed from a nearby window. Kyle jumped and involuntarily moved slightly away. Trixie kneed him as hard as she could, running for the dorms as he slid to the ground in agony…

*     *     *

"I called the campus police and they arrested him the very next morning. They kept my name a secret, but of course he knew it was me. He had to have known." Trixie stopped, letting out a sigh.

Jim and Honey were frozen, silent. Trixie’s story had shaken them to the very core.

"Why didn’t you ever tell any of us this?" Jim’s voice held a slight edge. Why didn’t you tell me?

"Trixie, I thought I was your best friend. How could you keep something like that from me?" Honey asked. Clearly hurt, her normally gentle voice rose in pitch.

Trixie tried to reply, couldn’t; their expressions dismaying her.

"I can’t believe you would keep something like this from us!" The thought of that…that… and his hands all over her, and his mouth. Jim felt like he was going to explode.

"The whole time, all those women coming forward, teachers praising the brave mystery student…and you don’t say a word!" Honey was close to tears.

"Jim, Honey…I…I couldn’t tell anyone. I…"

"We weren’t just ‘anyone’. We were supposed to be your best friends!" Jim exclaimed, his green eyes blazing.

"I just wanted to go home and have the best summer of my life. I wanted us all to be together again, and have fun and plan for the future. I thought that if I told you, it would be like a virus, poisoning everything. I didn’t want it in my home. I didn’t want it hanging around with us. I wanted to leave it behind and be the same person I was when I left!" Trixie started to weep, pressing her hands over her eyes. "Can’t you see that? I wanted to keep it separate from my home life. It was the only way I could move past it." She looked pleadingly at Jim. "And I…I was afraid of what…well, of what you would do if I told you."

Jim was incredulous. "You were afraid of what I would do to you?"

Trixie clutched his hand. "God no! What you would do to him. I was so afraid you would do something and…and get into horrible trouble. And it would be my fault."

Jim jerked his hand away, his eyes blazing. "That’s absolutely ridiculous," he snapped, fear and anger completely obliterating his self-control.

"Jim..." Honey began to interject. She had never seen her brother so agitated.

"No!" No, this is unbelievable. You think someone trusts you and then you find out that no, she doesn’t trust you at all!"

Trixie gasped. "That’s not true! I do trust you. It didn’t have anything to do with not trusting..."

"What else haven’t you told me? What other secrets are you keeping?"

Jim’s words were like bullets--Trixie flinched as if she’d been struck, a sob tearing from her throat as she leapt to her feet, running out of the office.

"Oh my God, how could you say something so awful?" Honey cried, her hazel eyes filing with tears.

Jim’s mind was reeling with so many conflicting emotions he was unable to respond.

"The look on her face..."

"Honey, she lied to us. To all of us."

"She didn’t lie, she just didn’t tell us."

"Isn’t that the same thing?" Jim demanded.

Honey slowly shook her head. "No," she said softly.

Brother and sister sat staring at each other for a moment; each lost in their own black thoughts. The door opened and their heads snapped around. "I’m here you lucky people!" Dan entered the room, bringing a blast of crisp March air with him. "Sorry I’m late, they..." he stopped, sensing the tension in the room. "What’s up?" he asked quickly, noting their odd expressions.

Honey stood up and took his arm, pulling him over to the answering machine. She played the tape for him, quickly filling him in on who Kyle was and what he did.

Dan’s face tightened and he swore under his breath. "I’m not going to be responsible for what I do to this guy if he shows up around here. And I can find out who his parole officer is. This creep better enjoy his freedom while he can, because he is going right back to prison for this stunt." He sat behind the desk, drumming his fingers restlessly.

"What kind of time will he get for this kind of parole violation?" Jim asked.

"It depends," Dan replied.

"On what?" Honey asked.

Dan looked grim. "It depends on, well, on how much he does. I mean, so far, he hasn’t said or done anything that can be seen as life threatening."

"You don’t call that message threatening?" Jim said tightly.

"Yes, I do," Dan hastily replied. "But there’s levels." He stood up. "Believe me Jim, I take this message very, very seriously."

"I think we should have a tap put on this phone," Honey said, rubbing her forehead nervously. "Trixie’s old boss is still recuperating at home, but I have a few names and numbers I can call."

"By the way, where is Trixie?" Dan suddenly asked.

Jim and Honey were silent. Dan looked at them intently. "Oh man," he breathed, understanding the vibes he picked up when he first entered the office. "She told you and you guys freaked, didn’t you? Because she never told you."

"Oh Dan, I feel so awful," Honey said, her face miserable. "I didn’t mean to get angry--I was just so...thrown by what happened and hurt that she didn’t tell me."

"She should have told you," Jim interjected. "She should have let all of us know what was going on in her life."

"Why?" Dan asked, shortly.

Jim looked at him in amazement. "What do you mean, ‘why’? We were her friends; I was her boyfriend at the time. How could she keep something like that from us?"

"It’s her life. She has a right to keep parts of her own life private! And I’ll bet I know why she didn’t tell us. She probably wanted to put it all behind her and have a fresh start." Dan’s eyes got a faraway look in them.

"But we could have helped her. Why didn’t she trust us?"

Dan shoved his hands into his pockets. "Trust has nothing to do with it. I happen to know that Trixie trusts all of us with her life." He looked at Jim incredulously. "Are you out of your mind?"

Jim shook his head. "I’m having a hard time believing she trusted us, yet kept such a horrible incident to herself." His face was so unhappy that Dan felt his anger instantly dissolve. He loves her so much he’s not thinking clearly.

"I think Dan’s right. It wasn’t a matter of not trusting us. She said so herself before she ran out of here. I wish she would have told me, but I’m starting to see she had her reasons..."

Dan nodded, his face serious. He wasn’t one for speeches, but he needed to get something straight. "Jim, Honey, I trust you. I trust everyone in our group. I consider you all my closest friends. I know you would do anything you could for me. I would do anything I could do for you. But I’ll tell you something. There is stuff from my past, from before I moved to Sleepyside, that I never told any of you. That in all likelihood, I’ll never tell you. And it doesn’t have a single, solitary thing to do with how I feel about you. It has everything to do with the fact that it’s a part of my life I want to leave behind forever. People have to be able to keep certain things separate. Sometimes it’s the only way to move on..."

"Move on," Jim said strangely. "That’s exactly what Trixie said. That she wanted to keep it separate from her home life so she could move on."

Dan stood in front of him and put a hand on his shoulder. "Remember when Mrs. B. got sick and you had to stay away from all of us for awhile? You weren’t sharing the past with us either. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad..."

Jim closed his eyes briefly, the memory of that time flooding him...

"I guess not thinking about your mom became a habit. Is that why you’ve never talked to any of us about her?

"It hurts so much. After all this time, I can’t believe how much it still does. When Brian told us about your mom, I guess I was just completely overwhelmed. I’m sorry..."

"You don’t have to be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry about. Remember we’re supposed to be all for one and one for all..."

She was scared to death that her mother may be dying, yet still managed to understand his feelings and offer her support. He kissed her then for the first time, realizing in that moment he didn’t just love her, he was in love with her...

Jim came back to the present abruptly, his face agonized. "I am such an a..."

"Don’t be so hard on yourself. Hearing that story must have been beyond upsetting," Dan said.

Honey threw her arms around him. "Just go find her and tell her you’re sorry."

Dan suddenly stiffened. "The hell with sorry. Find her period. This Kyle creep may have been watching the office. He could be following her."

Honey gasped, kicking herself for not thinking of that when Trixie first left. She glanced at her brother and could see by his terrible expression that he was thinking the same thing. Without another word he turned and rapidly left, his face grim.

Honey sank down on the couch, completely overwhelmed. Dan sat next to her and took both her hands in his. "Don’t worry. Jim will find her. And we’re not going to let anything happen."

Honey squeezed his hands and tried to smile, wanting desperately to believe him.

 

Chapter 2

Trixie didn’t know where she was going when she jumped in her car and took off. She only knew she had to get away; as far away as possible from the looks of betrayal on the faces of the two people she cared most for. What other secrets are you keeping? Trixie gripped the steering wheel tightly, the feeling of desolation sweeping through her very soul. She no longer felt connected—if it weren’t for gravity she would float away, burn up in the atmosphere.

She drove for hours, the scenery meaningless—she could have been driving on Mars for all she knew. All she could see was the look on Jim’s face when she left—he had never looked that way before; it was almost as if…she bit her lip, not wanting to think it but the thought came anyway, relentlessly filling her mind. He hates me. Trixie shivered, turning up the heater as high as it would go, but the chill was internal where the heat couldn’t reach. What other secrets are you keeping?

She found herself on Glen Road and toyed with the idea of going to her childhood home, but discovered to her dismay that she was afraid. Afraid of seeing the same look of hatred on the faces of her parents and her youngest brother, who at age 16 still lived at home. A river of numbness invaded her; never in her life did she not have somewhere to go. She never felt so alone—always in the past, when she found herself in bad situations, her family and friends were with her. She remembered the time she, Jim and Honey were caught in a flash flood when they were visiting her Uncle Andrew’s sheep farm in Iowa. They perched on the roof of a barn, watching the water rise higher and higher, not knowing if they’d be rescued in time. As frightened as she was, she remembered not truly believing that anything bad could happen as long as the three of them were together…

Out of habit she headed for her own house, but when she went inside her usual feeling of warmth and security were completely absent. A sudden feeling of anger invaded her—why couldn’t they understand she only did what she had to do? Talk about trust, why didn’t they trust her? She was suddenly glad Jim wasn’t home because boy oh boy would they be having the fight to end all fights if he was. She stalked into the kitchen and hurriedly threw together a sandwich; she was completely without an appetite, but knew she had to eat. She sank down at the kitchen table, the food like sawdust in her mouth. Her anger subsiding, she felt hot tears stinging behind her nose, the strange, unaccustomed numbness again overtaking her. "I’ve got to get out of here," she said aloud, rising and walking back out the door. She automatically headed for the preserve, the beautiful, unspoiled woods a haven.

*     *     *

Jim had exhausted his list of possibilities—Trixie was nowhere to be found. Worry was his constant companion, made even worse by the knowledge that he was the reason this search was even necessary. He finally decided to check home—he had to believe that she wouldn’t just stay away indefinitely.

He felt a huge sense of release when he saw Trixie’s car in its usual spot. He drew in his first full breath since leaving the office, turning off the engine and hurrying into the house. His relief was short-lived when he realized soon after that the house was empty, his voice seeming to echo as he walked through the rooms, calling her name. He clicked on the porch light, shutting the door behind him, and started searching. A quick check of the stables told him that she was not on horseback and he instinctively knew she would not be in any of the school buildings. No, she’d want to be completely alone after the number I pulled on her, he thought savagely. He didn’t allow himself to consider any other possibility. He grabbed the flashlight Regan always kept in there and headed down one of the many trails in the Wheeler preserve, worried about her walking around in the dark. He decided to stick to trails he and Trixie frequented on their many walks and was soon rewarded, drawing in a sigh of relief when he finally spotted her forlorn figure sitting under a tree, her knees drawn up to her chest, her head buried in her arms. He approached her quietly, his heart sore. "Trixie?" he said quietly.

She looked up and Jim blanched at the naked misery on her face. "He told me he’d destroy my life if I ever told. I didn’t believe him…but he’s won. He’s ruined my life, just like he said he would." Her voice was jagged and raw. She dropped her face back onto her arms.

Regret struck him like a fist. One time, years ago, Jim had swung open the front door at Crabapple Farm, Trixie’s childhood home, accidentally tipping her off a ladder and onto the floor, knocking her unconscious. This felt a thousand times worse. He dropped down beside her on the damp earth, taking her hands. "No. No he hasn’t," he said urgently. Her fingers felt like ice and he wondered how long she’d been sitting out here.

Trixie wouldn’t look at him. Jim felt sick, realizing the full extent of how much his attitude hurt her. It was with great shame that he understood his emotional attack on her could be considered in the same harmful light as the physical attack she suffered 3 years before.

He squeezed her hands desperately. "Oh God, I’m so sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me for the horrible things I said, but…" What would he do if she wouldn’t forgive him? Did he even deserve to be forgiven?

Trixie’s voice was muffled. "There aren’t any other secrets in my life." She pulled her hands away.

"I know. I was just angry…"

Jim felt a chill at her next words. "When you said that I felt like our entire past disappeared." Her voice sounded faraway and desolate, like she was speaking from another dimension.

"It was a stupid, wrong, terrible thing to say. I don’t blame you for not forgiving me." He leaned back against the tree and closed his eyes. Dan was right—I must have been out of my mind.

His voice, so sorrowful and alone, melted the last of her anger while at the same time healing her heart. She raised her head and looked at him—she could see regret in the line of his body and if there was anything she understood, it was regret; that dark emotion that had been flooding her ever since she heard the sound of Kyle’s voice earlier. Trixie couldn’t bear it; unable to ignore the pain she recognized, so similar to her own. She thought back to how many times her temper had gotten her into hot water. When I reach one hundred, I guess I’ll stop. She wordlessly leaned into him, pressing her cheek against his shoulder.

He wrapped his arms around her and held her, experiencing a wave of euphoria so strong he was unable to speak for a long time. "I love you," he finally said, feeling the words were inadequate, but not knowing what else he could say to erase what he’d done. I don’t deserve her.

"I love you too. I should have told you. I’m sorry…" Thank God he doesn’t hate me!

Jim moved his hand up her back and into her hair. "You don’t have anything to be sorry about. You didn’t do anything. And you’re right—If you told me, I would have come over there." His voice hardened as he unconsciously gripped her tighter. He wasn’t entirely sure he wouldn’t stomp the guy to death now. If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll stay the hell away, he thought grimly.

"Please don’t do anything stupid," Trixie whispered. She kissed his jaw. "I like having you around, even when you’re furious with me!" It was a relief to feel the return of her missing senses— the cold air, Jim’s fingers on the back of her neck, the smell of damp earth. She welcomed the return of herself, the numbness finally receding.

Jim wondered when she developed the ability to read his mind. "You always could see through me, couldn’t you?" he said weakly. He knew he was completely forgiven when he felt her smile against his neck.

"That’s okay, ‘cause I’ve always loved what I’ve seen." She drew back slightly and pressed her lips against his for a long time, her heart growing lighter, her despair evaporating.

"You’re amazing. I don’t deserve to be forgiven at all," he said, smiling at her. He pulled her to her feet. "Let’s go home; you must be freezing."

"Is Honey still mad at me?" Trixie asked as they walked back through the woods, the light from Jim’s flashlight arcing ahead of them.

"She stopped being mad about 10 seconds after you left, unlike some complete idiots," Jim replied ruefully. "She was busy arranging to have a tap put on the phone when I left. That guy’s got another thing coming if he thinks he’s going to get within a mile of you." He wound the fingers of his free hand through hers.

"Well, he never was the sharpest tool in the shed," Trixie said lightly.

"And Dan’s already reported the incident to Dalton’s parole officer. He’s in for a new stretch of time when they catch up with him."

"Dan?" Trixie queried. Then she remembered lunch and figured he must have shown up not long after she left.

"I’m sorry, Trix, Honey and I filled him in."

"No, it’s okay. I don’t want to…it feels better than I ever thought possible to have this out in the open. I was dumb to think it would just go away if I ignored it long enough. And Dan’s sure someone I want on my side in a situation like this."

Jim blew out his breath. "He’s on your side all right. Man did he ever read me the riot act. And he was right, too."

"Riot act?"

"Let’s just say he understands the need to keep parts of your life separate and private, and that getting angry at someone for doing that isn’t such a hot idea," Jim said wryly.

Trixie glanced sideways at him, wisely deciding not to pursue the matter any further. She’d had enough revelations for one day. She could see the porch light up ahead shining through the trees and felt her heart swell—it was enough just to be home.

Neither one of them noticed the shadowy figure that melted back into the woods…

Continue

Author’s note: The reference to Jim knocking Trixie off of a ladder is from Shana’s wonderful work of art Have You Seen This Child? If you haven’t already done so, read it. Read it now! Go! What are you still reading this stupid author’s note for?!!! J

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