*mild sexual reference, expletives
*My first official disclaimer! I'm making no money off of this. Trixie Belden and Co. belong to Western Publishing, not to me. I am an impoverished college student who would be unable to pay any monetary suit. Please don't hurt me.
She Loves Him, She Loves Him Not
By Erin
Twenty-three year old Trixie Belden looked out her window onto Crabapple Farm and sighed with pleasure. It's so beautiful this time of year, she reflected. This was one of the reasons Trixie chose June for her wedding with Jim. "Only four more days," she said to herself, hugging her knees to her chest. Four more days, she thought, oh god, only four days and then I'm Mrs. Frayne for the rest of my life. Oh god, what am I going to do?
Trixie was very confused. When Jim had proposed to her a year ago, she had been so excited and happy, but now, with the wedding looming just around the corner, Trixie wasn't so sure. She needed the one thing she didn't have, time. Time to think about her and Jim and their future together. Having just graduated in May, Trixie was ready to put in action her lifelong dream of owning a detective agency with her friend Honey Wheeler, but Jim had asked her to put in on hold until next year, when his school would be more settled. Asked isn't really the right word, Trixie thought, more like, he told me. Lately, Jim had been "telling" Trixie lots of things--where they would live, how she would work in his school, and when they would come back to visit everybody. He hasn't asked me my opinion on anything, Trixie thought bitterly. I guess what I think doesn't matter,and I'll just automatically go along with my husband.
Trixie jumped up, "I need to get out of here and go talk to somebody," she said. But who? Normally, Trixie would talk to her friend Honey, but since Jim was her brother, Trixie would feel uncomfortable spouting off all his faults. No, she needed someone else. And she knew exactly who.
During her four years at Clemson University, Dan Mangan had become her closest confidante. He helped her with her classes in criminal justice, and also in adjusting to life in the deep south. Dan had stayed to get his Masters, so he was with her for all four years. The past two years they had rented an off-campus apartment together. My pillar of strength, Trixie thought affectionately. In all her troubles, Dan had been there for her. When she struggled in a class or got homesick Dan was always quick to joke around and cheer her up. When Jim would have to cancel one of his trips to see her, it was Dan who always held her in his arms and soothed away her tears. He had been with her through it all, and never once did he tell her what to do or how to do it. He trusted her judgement. He was her friend. Trixie smiled and walked out of her bedroom on her way to Maypenny's with added spring to her step.
Dan waved and smiled in response to Trixie's greeting. "What brings you here Trix?" he asked.
"What's this? I can't just come and say hi to my roomie when I get the urge? Should I call next time or something?"Dan grinned, used to her good-natured teasing. "Yes you should," he answered. "I need time to prepare for your arrival. You know, roses strewn around the door, scented candles all over the room, that sort of thing."
"The only thing you have strewn around is your dirty laundry," Trixie laughed. "And I should know. I tell you Mr. Mangan, you are going to make a first-rate detective some day, but when it comes down to it, you are a huge slob."
Dan feigned hurt. "Hey--I didn't ask you over here Trix," he said with a twinkle in his eye. "You can leave whenever you want. Preferably now."
"It won't be that easy to get rid of me."
"I know, I know," Dan said rolling his eyes. "I can't tell you how much I pity Jim."
At the mention of his name, Trixie lost her good humor and looked at Dan rather dejectedly. "So, how is it going with Jim?" he asked softly. During the past few months, he had heard more and more of Trixie's doubts and concerns about her future. He listened to her sympathetically, though he offered little advice, trusting her to follow her heart and make her own decisions.
"I just don't know Dan," Trixie sighed. "I haven't even seen him since our Spring Break. He always cancels to go meet with people to discuss his school. I know how important the school is to him Dan, but couldn't he spare a weekend here or there? He expects me to live his dream with him. But I have my own dream Dan, a dream Jim doesn't even want me to pursue." Trixie's doubts began pouring out to her trusted friend. "He thinks it's too dangerous, wants me to put it off. But you know how he is, Dan. He'll keep putting it off. He'll make me choose." Trixie looked straight into Dan's eyes. "He's going to be my husband, so I should choose him. Because I should love him. But know I'm not so sure."
Dan was shocked. Trixie had been open about her doubts with her career and her future, but never, never had she said, or even implied, that she didn't love Jim. He didn't know what to say. She was visibly struggling to keep her composure. Slowly, he put his arms around her and held her tight. The tears came freely. "I think you need to talk to Jim," Dan whispered in her ear.
She nodded. "He's coming back tomorrow."
The next morning Trixie and Dan returned to The Manor House stables after a morning ride. Just as they were finished grooming their horses, Jim appeared. "See you later Trix," Dan said, "I'm going to go talk to Uncle Bill." Under his breath he added, "Good luck."
Trixie flashed him a smile of gratitude. She turned and faced Jim.
"Hey love," he said, pulling her towards him. He gently kissed her, and then kissed her with greater urgency.
Trixie pulled away."Jim we have to talk," Trixie said. He looked at her and smiled. "What?" she asked self-consciously.
"You're so beautiful," he said, kissing her again. "It's been so long since I've held you in my arms. I've almost forgot about how good it feels. But you'll have the rest of your life to remind me." Trixie shivered involuntarily. She loved the feeling of Jim's body close to hers. But she realized it was just physical. She loved the sensation, but not the inspiration. Once again, she disengaged herself from Jim's embrace.
"Please Jim," she said, almost begging, "we really need to talk."
"Alright," he said, letting his hands drop from her waist. "We have a lot to talk about, I know. But I'm beat from my flight. I need to take a nap. Can it wait?"
No! No, it can't wait! I have to tell you I don't love you anymore. "I guess so," Trixie answered meekly.
"After all, we have a lifetime," Jim said grinning. He kissed her once again, and then he was gone. Trixie stared at her shadow on the stable floor. What am I going to do?
At seven o'clock that evening, Trixie walked up the hill towards the Manor House. She was dreading this dinner. She just didn't know if she could put on a happy face for Honey and her parents, not to mention Jim. She was literally tortured inside. But she knew that no matter how much hurt she caused now, it was better than waiting five years from now, when they were more dependent on each other or when they possibly had children. She knew what she had to do. Tonight's the night, she thought determinedly.
The cook had prepared an excellent meal for Jim's welcome home and the upcoming nuptials. Honey noticed how unusually quiet Trixie was. Several times, she tried to get Trixie to join in the conversation, but it was clear she was not in a talking mood. Honey exchanged a glance with Jim. He smiled at her confidently. "Follow me," he whispered to Trixie and took her hand. She rose up and followed him out onto the patio.
He looked down at her. "I'm so excited Trix. The man I just talked with in Dallas has agreed to donate thousands of dollars towards our library fund. We're on our way. Our dream is about to come true."
"I'm happy for you, Jim," Trixie said.
"Don't be happy for me, be happy for us, Trix. It's our dream that's coming true."
"Not my dream," Trixie said bluntly.
"What?" Jim asked, confused.
"Jim, I told you we needed to talk. Don't you understand? I . . . oh, Jim, I don't know . . ." she was struggling to find the right words, word that wouldn't cause any more pain than necessary. "I've been thinking about it a lot lately Jim. I . . . I can't marry you, Jim. I'm sorry." She turned away.
Jim was struck speechless for a few seconds. Then he began to lose his temper."What do you mean, Trixie, saying you're not going to marry me. The weddings in two days. You're just nervous. You always say things you don't mean."
Now it was Trixie's turn to get angry. "Don't tell me what I'm feeling, Jim. What would you know about it? You're always gone somewhere, promising to come see me and then canceling. It's our wedding in two days and this is the first time I've seen you in two months. I don't want to sit at home, knitting while you're off all over the country, only coming home when it's convenient."
"Trix, I know it's been hard. I've hated being separated from you, but don't you understand? For our dream to come true I have to--"
"That's another thing, Jim Frayne, since when is this 'our' dream? It's not. It's your dream, and for whatever reason, I have to put mine on hold so you can achieve yours. It's not fair and you know it. But you don't care."
Jim took a deep breath and looked towards the sky. "I do care, Trixie, but--"
"But. That says it all. You care, but it doesn't matter, because you're not going to change." Trixie wasn't angry anymore, just sad. "I swear, Jim, I never meant to hurt you. I wish I didn't have to. But it's better this way."
"It's better this way," Jim laughed, obviously hurting. "Damn it, Trixie, how can you say that? You must enjoy breaking my heart. It's fun for you, huh?"
"Jim," Trixie pleaded, crying now. "I promise you, I didn't want it to be this way. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I . . . please, one day, try to understand."
"Just go now." Jim said, his voice void of feeling. " I don't want to see you right now."
Trixie stared at his back, crying. She hadn't expected it to hurt her so much. Oh no, she thought. Have I done the right thing? Do I love him or not? I didn't think I did, but it's so painful to see him like this. She turned and ran out of the door, down towards Crabapple Farm.
Trixie let herself in. Her parents had gone out to dinner and Bobby was out with his friends. Trixie took a long shower, put on her pajamas and climbed into bed with a book. Her mind was still racing, and it was impossible for her to read. Oh, how do I know I did the right thing,she thought. I thought it was what I needed to do, but now I'm not sure. I'm not sure about anything! Trixie shook her head, trying to silence her doubts. They only tortured her more.
By one o'clock in the morning, Trixie could no longer take it. She quietly sat up and laced up a pair of sneakers. Taking a flashlight, she silently exited the house, and started towards Maypenny's.
About half-way there it began to rain lightly. Perfect, Trixie thought. Just what I need. By the time she got there, she was soaking wet. She threw a piece of bark at Dan's window and prayed she wouldn't wake up Mr. Maypenny. A light went on and Dan came to the window.
"Trix? Is that you? What are you doing here? What time is it?" Dan asked, looking down a her ragged form. "Never mind, I'll be right down."
A moment later he was opening the door, holding a robe. "Here, get out of those wet clothes. I'm making some coffee." He paused for a moment. "I'm assuming you told Jim, huh?"
Trixie nodded. "It was awful. The look on his face, I can't even describe it. I didn't think I was capable of hurting him that much. Now I don't know if I did the right thing or not."
"Well, Trixie, do you love him?"
Trixie thought for a moment and then buried her head in her hands. "I will love Jim until the day that I die, but I'm not in love with him. I don't want to marry him. But it hurts. It's worse for him than it is for me."
"Yeah, Trix, nothing smarts like a love that isn't returned. But it's better than offering him a false love. Now he has the chance to recover from it, to get on with his life." Dan looked at her. "I'm no expert on love, you know that, but I know what it's like to love someone and not have you love them back. And it hurts at first, but it gets easier."
Trixie knew better that to ask Dan about his personal business, but the question hung in the air unspoken.
"You," Dan said simply.
Trixie suddenly felt short of breath. She looked up to him, wonderingly.
He looked at her sadly. "But I know you are, were, madly in love with Jim. I'm just second best."
Trixie thought about her relationship with Dan. In many ways, she was closer to Dan than she was to either Honey or Jim. And many traits she liked in Jim Dan possessed too. He was honorable, strong, a good woodsman, and he had a career plan. And where Jim was demanding and sometimes patronizing, Dan was sympathetic and never told her what to do. She loved Dan very much. But could it be? Only one way to find out.
Trixie leaned over and kissed Dan very lightly. Surprisingly, she liked it. There was no urgency, no sense of what was to come. It was a kiss of love. They kissed again, every movement easily flowing into the next. Trixie was not anxious anymore because she knew she had found something far greater than a lover, she had found a true soul mate.
The next morning Trixie awoke with the sun peeking through the window. She felt a lot better, and, as she watched Dan next to her, she knew she had made the right decision. She knew she still had to talk to Jim though. Quickly, she put on her shoes, borrowed one of Dan's t-shirts and left to go home. As she was leaving, she noticed a small wild roe bush out of the corner of her eye. She found some hedge clippers nearby and cut some roses off the bush and placed them around the door. "I love you, Dan Mangan," she whispered.
"I love you, Trixie Belden," came the whispered reply.
When Trixie returned home her parents were nearly out of their minds with worry.
"Where on earth have you been and why didn't you call?" Helen Belden asked her daughter, trying to control her temper. "No one at the Manor House knew where you were."
"I went to see Dan," Trixie replied simply. "I spent the night."
"So I see," her mother said, eyeing her ensemble. "Well, there's a lot to do today. The wedding is tomorrow, as if I needed to remind you."
Trixie's serene mood was brought to a halt. "Didn't Jim tell you?" she asked.
"Jim didn't tell me anything," Helen replied. "He left and said he needed to go for a drive. That's where we thought you were, but Honey said you had a lovers quarrel."
That's one way of putting it, Trixie reflected. "The wedding is off, Moms."
Helen Belden was truly stunned. "What? Oh dear, why? Oh, I'm so sorry!"
"Don't be, Moms. I made a decision. It was the right decision. Jim deserves some one who can love him the way he deserves to be loved. I just can't do that for him. I don't think I ever really did."
Helen Belden was crying, but kissed her only daughter on the forehead. "You know your father and I will always love you dear. I'm glad you're happy."
"Thanks, Moms, I love you too."
Trixie changed and headed up towards the Manor House. She saw Jim in the driveway, the hood of his car up and steam coming out. "Damn it!" he said, kicking it fiercely. He looked up and saw her approach.
"Jim," she said, trying to speak with her eyes as well as her words. He looked at her. "It was over already. You know that."
Jim looked down at the car once more. "Yeah," he said softly. "I know. But it still hurts."
"I know Jim, I know," Trixie said, tears pouring down her cheeks. He embraced her and together they cried over the end of their relationship, mourning over it as if it was a death. Because they knew a part of them was dying, a part of them would never be the same.
"It was beautiful, Trixie," Jim said, wiping away his tears.
She smiled and kissed him, their last kiss, the kiss that sealed their relationship.
"What are we going to do tomorrow, Trix?" Jim asked grinning. "We've got all the food and music and stuff on the way."
"We're going to do just what we would have done," Trixie said. "We're going to celebrate the beginning of our lives." And for Trixie, she knew just who it would involve. She smiled and Jim squeezed her hand.
"Penny for your thoughts," he said.
"I'm just thinking of someone," she answered, smiling, watching as Dan rode towards the stables, carrying a single red rose. She sighed, contentedly. She loved Sleepyside in June.
The End