rated * (adult themes)
With Your Ghost
by Jill
Part I
...there’s a letter on the desktop that I dug out of a drawer the last truce we ever came to from our adolescent war and I start to feel a fever from the warm air through the screen you come regular like seasons shadowing my dreams...
Trixie looked around at her new bedroom. It really needed a coat of paint, but it would do. The late August sun was setting, but the air was still hot and humid; nothing like New York state in the summer! She had put away all of her clothes, shelved all of her Lucy Radcliffe books, taking a moment now and then to re-read all of her favorite parts, and now was getting ready to organize her desk. She sighed as she started pulling school supplies out of the crate. Her schedule was already tacked up on her bulletin board. How was she going to handle nineteen credits this semester? Not only did she have statistics, which she had been able to avoid for her first two years of college, but a four hundred level environmental law class and a chemistry lab. What was she thinking!? Well, it was her choice. If she wanted to graduate on time, she had to buckle down and get to work.
There was a knock on her door and a honey-brown head popped into the room. “Trix, we’re going to go to China Buffet for dinner. Want to come?” Honey Wheeler stepped through the doorframe and looked around. “It’s not bad in here. I see you’ve left the desk for last, as always.” She smiled fondly at her best friend.
“Yes, as always,” Trixie laughed. “It just makes it official that I’m here and summer is over. I had such a great time working at camp over break. Dan and I really had things humming for the kids and now I’m back and the work is starting and I don’t even like China Buffet! I think I’ll raid the fridge. I know Moms packed some chicken ” She paused, “Thanks Honey for doing the leg work to find this house. I couldn’t have handled living in the dorm again.”
“Trixie, you know it was no problem. Di and I were totally finished with dorm life, too. Having a bathroom with a real tub and without stalls will make up for the fact that we have to clean it! Are you sure you won’t come with us? You could have them make up something at the Mongolian barbeque. That stuff is good.”
“You make it sound so appetizing. No, you girls go on without me. Tomorrow our meal plan starts and it’ll be salad and cereal three times a day!”
“Yummy yum!” giggled Honey. “We’ll be back later. Don’t work too hard.”
“Never fear, Ms. Wheeler,” Trixie replied, “That’s never an issue with me!”
Honey closed the door of Trixie’s room behind her. “Yeah right,” Honey thought, “You never work too hard. From what Dan told me, even being at camp was hard work. The campers thought you were the pool-nazi.” Honey smiled wanly at the thought of the stories Dan had told her about their summer employment.
Dan was the program coordinator of a camp for underprivileged children from the city, and other children who were ordered to be there as part of their rehabilitation process, and Trixie had signed on to run the pool. Apparently, Trixie had drilled the lifeguard staff in lifesaving procedures and insisted that they practice their skills each morning before breakfast, even once they had passed the required test. She had also taught the kids proper techniques for the strokes and if they splashed out of line, or heaven forbid, hung on the rope, they were sitting on the edge. However, Dan had also pointed out that Trixie had been able to communicate with some children that the other counselors couldn’t reach, and that every camper had left that pool being able to swim and knowing water safety. Honey supposed the summer had been good for Trixie, but it didn’t mean that she still didn’t worry about her best friend.
Pulling the chair out from under the desk, Trixie slid the first “desk crate” over to her and started unloading: pens, mechanical pencils (her college didn’t seem to believe in pencil sharpeners in the lecture halls), binders, paper, an envelope. An envelope? A frown creased Trixie’s forehead and she narrowed her china blue eyes. She rummaged around in her pencil jar and came up with a letter opener. She slit the fold of the envelope and pulled out a piece of stationery. The crease in her forehead relaxed she recognized her mother’s handwriting and the trademark apple paper she often purchased from Nick Roberts.
Dear Trixie,
I know that I just said goodbye to you, either this morning or yesterday, depending on when you get around to unpacking your crates, but your father and I want you to know that we are extremely proud of you. Perhaps we should save our pride until you actually graduate in two years, but it seems like it needs to be said now. You’ve worked so hard this summer to earn money to help with tuition and even though you don’t often mention it, we know that you go without a lot that Honey and Diana feel is necessary for college life, so that you don’t feel like you’re burdening your father and I. Beatrix, you deserve everything you want and you never burden us, but we thank you for your concern. We’ve talked with Dan and he told us about your good work this summer. We’ve doubled the amount that you earned during your work at camp and put it directly into your bank account. I wanted to give you a check, but your father suggested that we do the direct deposit method to guarantee that you actually had the money. He said that you might have the silly idea not to cash it. So, go out and splurge. Have dinner at that Chinese place you love so much, what is it called, China Buffet? Don’t work too hard and call us on Thursday night. We’ll be home.
Hugs and kisses,
Moms
Trixie blinked back tears from her eyes. Her parents shouldn’t have. She was determined to earn her own way and not take charity from anyone! (Not that her parents were giving charity, but she knew what she meant). Brian and Mart were able to get full scholarships when they entered college, but she was only able to get partial tuition. Though with the extra money in her account, and if she was frugal, maybe she wouldn’t have to work in the dining hall. Needing money stank. If only she was rich...then...Trixie stopped herself. There was no use “if thening.” That was something she really worked on this summer at camp: thinking only about the now and the future. Now she needed to unpack the crate. “So, Belden,” she whispered to herself, “unpack the crate.”
Folders, old research papers, notebooks and floppy disks of information made their way out of the crate and into the file cabinet sitting along side the desk. And then, another envelope? Huh? She picked it up and squinted to make out her name written on the outside of it. Bobby’s handwriting was atrocious. She felt pity for his teachers. Ripping open the envelope, Trixie wondered what the youngest Belden had to say.
Hey! What’s up big sis! It’s me your favorite brother. I know I’m your favorite cuz I’m the cute one. Reddy and me say hi! I know u miss me already don’t u? I just wanted to tell u I found out I have Ms. Stewart for homeroom this year. I remember how u said she keeps her teeth in her desk drawer and I’m gonna find out if u lied 2 me. Ha ha. Wish me luck. Hey! Send me a new sweatshirt. My old one has a hole in it. I love u, Trixie. Don’t 4get me.
For the second time in about fifteen minutes, Trixie’s eyes blurred with tears. Her goofy brother! Though if he could find out if Ms. Stewart really kept teeth in her desk, she’d send him a selection of sweatshirts. That was a seventh grader’s dream: to discover the secret of Ms. Stewart’s scary teeth.
She was almost done with the crate. In fact, there was just one more thing. Trixie leaned over a pulled out a small wooden box. “So small, no bigger than a bread box,” she thought, “but yet it holds so much.” She set the box on the desk. Her hands moved of their own accord and opened the box. A faint aroma of cedar reached her nose. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply, inhaling the fragrance. Opening her eyes, she breathed deeply, steeling herself for what she knew she was going to do. A dark green velvet lined the box. “How can this box hold so much, but still have so little in it?” She wondered. Why did she keep the box anyway? Sentiment? Sadism? Stupidity? She sighed and cast her eyes down. Nestled in the little box was a card, a necklace, a bracelet and one more thing. She pulled it out and set it on the desktop.
Looking up, she was surprised to see that it was almost dark outside of the window. Flicking on the switch of the desk lamp gave the room a warm, yellow glow. The crate needed to go into the closet where it would become the perfect receptacle for her shoes. She came back to the desk and sat down again. What had happened to her living for now attitude? The past was calling her too loudly to ignore.
The last item was a piece of paper. The creases were deep and the texture wrinkled; the white paper was stained. Slowly she unfolded it.
I wasn’t around when you called. I know how tough it is to get to the phone up there. I’m busy finishing up my thesis. But you knew that. Trixie, I’m pretty sure I know what you wanted to talk to me about. I’ve got nothing more to say. Things are changing. I heard you changed your major. Interesting. Stuff changes.
I know you were counting on me to be able to help you out this summer, but I can’t. And Shamus, that’s just the way things go. You’ve got plenty of other help. You can move your stuff with your brothers. Brian’s helping Honey anyway.
Let’s come to an agreement, okay? Don’t call me and I won’t have to resort to writing you these stupid letters. Great. Thanks.
Her eyes burned as she re-folded the page, deepening the creases. What was it about this stupid thing? Every couple of months, she had this urge to read the words again. To try and fathom what it meant, to come up with an argument that made sense. She never could. The note went back into the box. The lid snapped closed. The box slid into the back of the drawer.
Downstairs, the door swung open and laughing voices carried up the stairs. “Trixie,” Diana Lynch called, “we walked past the water ice place. They have mango!”
“Come on girl,” Honey yelled, “grab some quarters and let’s go. Water ice is more important than laundry.”
Trixie flicked off the desk lamp. “I’m on my way.”
and the Mississippi’s mighty but it starts in Minnesota at a place where you could walk across with five steps down and I guess that’s how you started like a pinprick to my heart but at this point you rush right through me and I start to drown
Trixie fumbled with her keys, twisted the knob, pushed open the door and dropped her backpack on the floor. Two seconds later, she crashed onto the couch. “Trix? Is that you?” Diana Lynch walked out of the kitchen drying her hands on a dishtowel. “What happened? You look like a frat boy after a midnighter!”
In spite of herself, Trixie giggled. “That’s how I feel. Well, I think that’s how I would feel if I was a frat boy after a midnighter. As it is, I am simply a college student who is wondering how she will make it through the semester when the semester is only two days old!”
“Too much stuff?”
“Too much everything. I didn’t think that changing my major from criminal justice to pre-law was going to make that much difference. The core classes were the same, but all these lawyer wanna-bes are insane. They have to know everything! And...” Suddenly she stopped, “Hey, are you doing dishes? It’s my turn!”
“Yes, I am doing dishes and yes, it is your turn, but I knew you’d be getting in late this afternoon and well, we’re having company,” Diana confided.
Trixie blinked, “Company? We’re having company? Like, Mart company? Dan company? Your parents company? My room’s a disaster area! I can’t even hide the mess in a closet like we used to do for tours!”
“Calm down, Trixie. It’s Bob-White company. Honey thought that we should all get together before our semesters really get crazy. She suggested our place for a Labor Day weekend because we’re somewhat centralized.”
Slowly, Trixie sat up. “ALL the Bob-Whites? Is everyone coming?” Her mind began processing what that could mean. “When are they getting here?”
Diana glanced at the clock, “Um...the first should be getting here in an hour or so. Maybe you want to clean up a bit.” She wondered again if she and Honey were doing the right thing. They had debated having the party at all, but Honey was convinced that everything would be ok. Diana had her doubts. “Honey should definitely go into law, too. She could talk the Pope into a cheeseburger on Good Friday.” Diana thought.
“AN HOUR? It’s a good thing you did the dishes. I have to take a shower...do my hair. OH BOOGER!” Trixie dashed up the stairs. Diana could hear her rummaging around in her room, slamming drawers and doors indiscriminately. Footsteps pounded across the hallway to the bathroom and the shower started.
Honey peeked around the corner. “She took that rather calmly, don’t you think?” Honey cocked her head toward the upstairs. “I don’t think I heard anything break.”
“Honey, do you really think this is a good idea? Having everyone here I mean?” Diana frowned at her friend.
“I told you, Di,” Honey said, “this can’t fail. It was just a misunderstanding and if they’ll only have a conversation, everything will be back to normal.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“Of course I’m right.”
Trixie let the water rush over her and drain away the stress of her day. The classes she scheduled were a bit more demanding than she had expected, but she’d be able to do well. The money that her parents had given her was going to make the semester easier: she wouldn’t have to work every night at the dining hall and THAT would give her more time for studying! Her thoughts turned to the impromptu party that they were hosting. Mart and Brian, both taking classes at Penn State University, would drive up and hang out for the weekend before heading back to University Park. Dan would swing through on his way to the University of Vermont. It had only been a week since she and Dan had seen each other, but Trixie knew that they would have tons to talk about. A few of the campers wrote long letters to her that had been waiting when she got home from closing camp. It made her feel like she was doing something good for the world, just by helping a child or two.
She tried to keep her thoughts on the help she was able to give this summer, but like a kindergartner on the first day of school, she had little control over their direction. In her mind’s eye, she saw that scared young boy, clutching a rifle. She remembered his concern after the antique show. In her head, she heard the words, “You know what it means don’t you?” She thought of the times when he had held her hand under the table at the clubhouse. The flowers. The fond glances. The kisses shared on the porch swing at Crabapple Farm. The late night phone calls. The cedar box... Before she could get her emotions under control, tears began streaming down her cheeks, and no matter how hard she tried, they wouldn’t stop. The littlest thing would set her off. Why did she have to be this way? “It’s been months!” She berated herself. “What happened to live for the now?” She asked herself.
That had been Dan’s advice the whole summer. “Live for now and tomorrow, not yesterday.” Sadly, the now definitely included him. So, if the now included him, she was going to wow the now. She turned off the water, dried her face and her tears and got to work.
It wasn’t that she wasn’t as pretty as Di and Honey, she had come to realize. It was just that she was a different kind of pretty. When she left to work at camp, Trixie was hoping that she would lose some weight. That didn’t happen, in fact, she gained weight, but it was ok. The constant hiking, swimming and playing built her muscles up until she was in the best shape of her life. She had learned how to wear her hair out of her face, so that the curls wouldn’t get in the way and the tan she had acquired at camp gave her a healthy glow. “He won’t know what hit him.” She gave herself an approving glance at her simple pink tank top (Moms was very pleased about that) and denim shorts. The doorbell rang downstairs.
Trixie heard the sounds of greeting from the living room and after giving her hair one final adjustment, fairly skipped down the stairs.
“Dan! Mart! Brian!” Trixie squealed. She flung herself into each of their arms in turn.
“Don’t you look smashing?!” Said a voice from behind the boys.
“HALLIE? What are you doing here?”
“Well,” her cousin drawled, “I’m in NYC for a semester interning and Honey sent me an email telling me about your little soiree. I thought it would be sweet if I came for a little free food and fun!”
“I’m so glad you came! The party’s nearly perfect.” Trixie responded giving her tall cousin a hug, too.
“It’s almost perfectly perfect.” Honey stated.
“Almost,” Trixie agreed.
“Food?” Mart whimpered, “Before I expire?”
Diana laughed and grabbed his hand, “Come through the kitchen, my love, and you will find in our postage stamp of a back yard, a grill with charcoal ready for your burger delight!” With that Di, Mart, Brian, Honey and Hallie tramped to the yard.
Dan looked appraisingly at Trixie. “You look good. You ready?”
“I think so. Right now, I’m ready for some food. Let’s go!” Trixie threw her arm around Dan’s shoulder, “So Hallie’s in NYC, huh? Just a hop, skip and jump from you. Well, not exactly, but way closer than Idaho.”
“Keep your opinions to yourself, Trixster, and I’ll do the same.”
The friends enjoyed each other’s company immensely. Mart pulled out his guitar and Trixie and Dan sang songs from camp and taught a few to the group. The sun was just starting to set when they heard the crunch of footsteps on the gravel driveway at the side of the house. Conversation stopped. All heads turned toward the sound. A red head walked into the yard. Honey jumped up and ran toward her brother to welcome him to the party. She skidded to a stop before she got to him. “Hi Jim,” she said, her voice guarded.
“Hey Honey–guys. How are you?” Jim stopped too as someone caught up with him. She–SHE?–was tall and dark. Beautiful. Dan’s jaw dropped. Mart’s hand, reaching for a cookie, froze in mid air. Brian got to his feet. Diana and Hallie looked at each other. He placed his arm around the tall girl’s shoulder. “This is Jodi.” In the second between the end of his question of their well-being and the introduction, Trixie was gone.
The party ground to a halt. The BWG’s were civil and offered food, but the camaraderie was gone. Honey and Diana showed their guests where they could sleep, there was a partially finished basement (Honey’s father had gotten them a really good deal on a very nice house) with room for everyone. Sleeping bags found their way from cars to the basement and the house grew quiet.
and there’s not enough room in this world for my pain signals cross and love gets lost and time passed makes it plain of all my demon spirits I need you the most I’m in love with your ghost
Sitting on the bench across the street from her house, Trixie watched with tears in her eyes as the lights went out, one by one. The last window to darken was Honey’s. Trixie figured that Honey and Di sent everyone to bed and then sat together trying to figure out what to do when Trixie came in. Well, there was nothing to do. She was fine–perfectly fine. It didn’t bother her that Jim and Jodi...oh how cute...Jim and Jodi...J and J...J squared...J times two...twice the amount of jealousy. Why should she be jealous? She and Jim were finished. That was clear and there was no changing it.
After the lights had been out for about twenty minutes, she felt that it was safe to go back into the house. For the second time that day, she fumbled with her keys, twisted the knob and pushed open the door. This time, though, she paused in the doorway, listening for any sound of movement. It was quiet. Trixie tiptoed up the stairs to her bedroom. Not even bothering to turn on the light, she laid down on the bed and thought. It was a chronic problem with her lately–thinking. Thinking was dangerous. This was the case tonight.
Her mind kept coming back to the glimpse she had of Jim with his arm around Jodi’s shoulders–the sound of his voice when he introduced her. It was like her mind was on a continual loop. The tears started again. Just the thought that Jim was so near to her, but that she couldn’t talk with him at all, or even if she could talk to him, he wouldn’t listen or respond, made the tears fall harder. Suddenly, she was sobbing. She tried to stifle the sound, bury her face in her pillow and hold her breath. ANYTHING to make the pain stop. Her bedroom door creaked open.
“Trix?” Honey’s voice was barely above a whisper. “Trixie, honey, what can I do for you? Please talk to me. Let me help.” Honey was at her side kneeling beside the bed. Trixie sat up and Honey put her arms around her best friend. “What did he do to you, Trixie? What happened?”
Trixie took deep, shuddering breaths to calm herself and clear her mind. She hadn’t wanted to confide in Honey because she was Jim’s sister, but then she hadn’t felt comfortable talking to anyone. Six months after her world collapsed around her, Trixie finally made the decision to unburden herself. It couldn’t make her feel any worse. Honey listened closely as Trixie started the story.
“Well, when I went to visit Jim for that weekend of our spring break, it was just weird. I got there and I had a hard time finding a parking space, so I ended up being a little late. I supposed to be there at around seven and it was eight or so by the time I rang the bell....
She stood outside the apartment building, waiting for Jim to answer the door. She had her bag slung over her shoulder and her scarf hung around her neck. She and Honey had just been discussing earlier that day about the fact that the weather was never spring-like on Spring Break. But the weather didn’t matter, she was able to spend the next two days with Jim. He had promised to have class work done, all the students he tutored up to par in their classes and his roommates kicked out.
The door snapped open. Jim stood there, looking at Trixie with a somewhat confused expression on his face. “You’re here. I didn’t think you’d... I mean...well...hi.” Jim finished lamely. Jim opened the door wider and took her bag off her shoulder. He looked tired, but still handsome. His jeans were well-worn, as was the Harvard sweatshirt that stretched across his chest. Trixie stepped inside the little foyer of Jim’s house and leaned in to give him a hug. His arms wrapped around her and she took in his scent of Irish Spring and Listerine. Trixie was just getting comfortable in his embrace when he broke the contact and said, “So, are you interested in dinner? Can I get you something to drink?”
Trixie’s forehead wrinkled as she looked at her boyfriend. “Are you ok?” she asked. “You seem...are you ok?”
Jim laughed ruefully, “Yes, I’m fine–just really tired. I’m trying to come up with a really good topic for my thesis that I can incorporate into some in classroom research. So, can I get you something? Let’s head to the kitchen.” He led her into the house’s tiny kitchen. Trixie gasped as she looked around the space. Jim and his roommates weren’t always the neatest people around, but the place was a disaster. There were glasses and liquor bottles covering the counter tops. Plastic cups and paper plates were spilling out of the trash can. Full bags waited by the back door to be taken to the garbage. Jim caught Trixie’s eye and said, “we had a little party last night. I haven’t had a chance to finish cleaning.”
“Little?” Trixie asked, amazed.
“Hey, Trix,” Jim began.
“Hey, what?”
“I left a message on your cell, did you get it?” The words rushed from Jim’s mouth before he could stop them.
“You weren’t calling to uninvite me were you?” Trixie joked. “Actually, I have no idea where my cell is. It disappeared somewhere in the black hole I call a room...or maybe in the black hole I call a car or my backpack or at work. It’s gone. I need to get a new one. It’s neat not being immediately available twenty four-seven, though, you know. Why? Was I supposed to bring something?” She stopped herself, realizing she was completely babbling. It had been a long time since she had felt nervous around Jim.
“Um...no, it was nothing. Are you tired? Do you want to go to bed? The sheets on my bed are clean, even if the kitchen isn’t. And I can dump the stuff off the couch in no time.”
Trixie shook her head trying to follow Jim’s train of thought. “No, I’m not really tired, but we don’t have to go out. Why don’t you clean off the couch and we’ll just watch a movie.”
“It was so weird, Honey. We watched Clue, but Jim really didn’t seem like he was there. You know the end where everyone is running around? That part always makes him laugh and he didn’t even smile. I kept commenting about the temperature in the house and he offered me a blanket, his sweatshirt, but never once tried to put his arm around me. I felt like we were sitting at Crabapple Farm with Dad, Brian, Mart and Bobby all staring at us. The whole weekend was like that: me trying to get him to communicate and him just not. By Saturday night, I was sick of it and I kept trying to do something to make him talk to me, even if it made him mad. I talked about other guys, talked about the time you and I went to the shooting range. I knew that would get him going, but he had nothing! No responses at all. Finally, I told him that I thought I’d leave early on Sunday instead of staying until dinner. He told me he thought that was a pretty good idea because he had heard that there might be a nor’easter coming.”
Honey sat silently for a minute. “Are you sure that he was feeling okay? It just doesn’t seem like Jim. He’s always willing to talk with you. He’s told me so many times that he knows he can talk to you about anything and that’s why he loves you."
“Loved me.”
“You know what I mean, Trix. Did he have a fever or something? He might have had the flu or maybe food poisoning from the party...” Honey knew she was trying to come up with a reason that her brother would have acted so strangely. From Trixie’s story it sounded like the Jim she knew and loved had been taken over by an alien. Ever since the breakup, the Bob-Whites had really tried to stay neutral, not asking either of them what happened, thinking that this was just a misunderstanding and that Jim and Trixie would be back together before the semester ended. Then it was summer and they weren’t back together. Now it was almost fall and with Jodi there...Honey wasn’t sure what to think.
“Honey, do you want to make excuses or would you like to hear what Sunday morning brought?”
“I don’t think I want to hear, but I think I need to hear.”
“Ok, I had made the decision to leave early, hoping to have him convince me to stay longer...”
Her bag was packed and in front of the door. She pulled her scarf from the sleeve of her coat and wrapped it around her neck. Jim was standing a good five feet away as she helped herself into her leather jacket. She had a bad feeling that was just building inside of her.
“So, I’ll call you when I get home. That way you’ll...” Trixie paused, waiting for the traditional response of “I’ll know you’re not dead in a ditch.” The answer didn’t come.
Jim’s face was pale. “Shamus, Trixie, I–I can’t keep this.” He reached into the pocket of his jeans and pulled out a chain. Her high school ring swung from the silver links. Trixie looked stunned. She knew he didn’t wear it anymore, which was something she understood, high school rings weren’t for grad school guys, but giving it back? “It’s just, it’s not your fault. I can’t keep it.” Jim’s jaw was tight, his eyes were boring into hers. Trixie knew that look. The ‘I’m stubborn and determined and decided and done’ look.
All of the anger and frustration that she had been trying to keep in check all weekend burst from her in one word. “FINE!” She shouted. Trixie grabbed the ring and yanked so hard at the chain clutched in Jim’s fist that it snapped. Throwing her bag over her shoulder, she stormed out of the house. She didn’t remember the four hour drive home.
“And that was it?” Honey asked, bewildered.
“No, it wasn’t it. I called him, emailed him, wrote snail mail. I only heard back once.” Trixie turned on the light and crossed to the desk, pulled out a small cedar box and opened it. A wrinkled piece of paper found its way into Honey’s hand. Her eyes scanned the letters and tears formed.
“This doesn’t sound like Jim.”
“He won’t explain anymore than that. And today he brought that girl.” Trixie stopped. “I have to know, Honey, is she his girlfriend?”
Honey whispered, “Yes. I’m so sorry.”
Tears filled Trixie’s eyes. The two friends cried together.
The morning dawned bright and cheery as if the clouds had spent their allowance of tears. Trixie rose and ran her fingers through her hair. She listened and her voices downstairs. Opening her door, she could hear Jim talking with Honey and Diana in the kitchen.
“Yeah, Jodi and I are going to get going this morning, Sis. She starts student teaching and we wanted to have a vacation before she’ll have no free time. We made reservations at a bed and breakfast on Martha’s Vineyard for tonight and tomorrow. That way we can relax before the grind begins.”
Trixie waited for her eyes to fill with tears. Strangely, she felt–not sadness–but anger. How dare he?! How dare he, in her house, talk of going to a bed and breakfast with his girlfriend? Trixie fairly flew down the stairs. She turned the corner into the kitchen, nearly knocking into Dan, who was coming up from the basement, and skidded to a stop next to the refrigerator. Jim was holding the door open, looking for something to drink. “Excuse me,” said Trixie sweetly. Then almost, but not quite, before she knew what she was doing, she drew back her arm and punched him right in the stomach.
Jim grunted and stumbled back in surprise. Trixie turned on her heel and stalked out of the house, slamming the door behind her. “What was that?” Jim demanded. “Who does she think she is?”
“What was what?” asked Honey innocently.
“Enjoy your breakfast,” said Diana. “I think the rest of us should get brunch in town. Let’s go tell the gang.” With that, Trixie’s roommates left the kitchen.
Dan looked into the room and saw Jim standing, slumped against the counter, freckles standing out against his face, head down. Feeling no sympathy at all, Dan turned and left the house. He walked down the steps and headed for the duck pond. He knew he’d find Trixie there. Sure enough, there she was, sitting on a picnic table, staring into space. “Hey, Neptune,” he said, calling her by the name all the campers used, “how’s the water?”
Her tanned face turned toward him. “Oh Dan,” Trixie wailed, “What have I done? I know I’m angry, but how could I be so un-Bob Whitish? Bob-Whitey? Now you’ll all hate me.”
“Nope, nobody’s going to hate you, but you’re right, it wasn’t very Bob-Whitish. Before we get to that, though, do you feel better?”
“I did for a second, but now I feel just awful. I know I didn’t really hurt him, but I just wanted him to feel a fraction of the pain that I feel. I was just so mad! Liam,” Trixie also used the campers’ name for him, “am I a terrible person?”
“No, you’re not. You could have really hurt him. You could have cracked him in the face, broken his nose, you know how, but you didn’t. You also pulled back from the force of the punch. I know you’ve got more strength than what you just used.”
“Should I apologize?”
“Are you sorry?”
“No, but I know that I shouldn’t have hit him.”
“Well, I guess you have a choice to make. He’s leaving soon. You should make the choice and we should get back.” Dan stood up and reached out a hand to her. Trixie stood and let him take her hand.
They approached the house and Trixie could see Jim loading suitcases into his pickup. Jodi stood off to the side. “Thank you very much for your hospitality. It was very kind of you to invite me,” she said to Honey and Di, who tactfully refrained from mentioning that she truly hadn’t been invited.
Jodi sounded polite, even sincere. It was too bad that Trixie hated her, she might have been nice.
Jodi opened the door to the truck and hopped in. Jim began making the rounds, saying goodbye to his friends. He had just finished clapping Mart on the back when his eyes fell on Trixie and Dan walking up hand in hand. Jim’s green eyes darkened and everyone except Trixie noticed.
Trixie walked up to him, “I hope you have a nice time on your vacation. I shouldn’t have decked you.” With that she continued to walk calmly up the steps to the porch. She twisted the knob and went into the house. She climbed the stairs, entered her bed room and sat at her desk. The letter was still on the desk top. Carefully, she folded it, placed it in the box and tucked the box into the back of the drawer.
I’m in love with your ghost.
...dark and dangerous like a secret that gets whispered in a hush (don't tell a soul) when I wake the things I dreamt about you last night make me blush (don't tell a soul)
when you kiss me like a lover then you sting me like a viper I go follow to the river play your memory like the piper
and I feel it like a sickness how this love is killing me but I’d walk into the fingers of your fire willingly and dance the edge of sanity I’ve never been this close in love with your ghost...
The alarm blared. Trixie rolled over and slammed her palm down on the snooze button. “Ugh,” she groaned. When she opened her eyes, she realized her mistake and squeezed them shut again. Yesterday was the last day of midterms and Honey, Diana and she decided to celebrate with a late night–ok early morning--of games and giggling. Several of their friends wanted them to “invite” gin to the party, but the roommates knew that wasn’t something they wanted to get into, especially not the night before their fall break began. Each of them had plans they wanted to enjoy fully: Diana was spending the five day weekend with Hallie in the city. They were going to museum-hop and clothing shop until their credit cards were maxed out. Honey was spending the break working with her mother on a fund raising event for St. Jude’s Hospital. Finally, Trixie was going to share a ride with Dan, who was returning to Sleepyside for his fall break to help Mr. Maypenny winterize the preserve, and would relax at Crabapple Farm.
All at once, Trixie sat bolt upright. The memory of what she dreamt last night, every night in fact, rushed back to her. Actually, the dream changed slightly sometimes, but the main events were always the same: It was the Labor Day party and all the Bob-Whites were sitting in the backyard. Jim and Jodi walked around the corner, but instead of leaving, Trixie stood up and hurled rolls, pickles and hamburger patties at them. Or she still left, walked around the front of the house and used ketchup and mustard to draw abstract art all over Jim’s pickup. Then the dream would flash forward to the moment where she hit him in the stomach. Time would slow down and the focus of the dream shift. She could look down on herself and watch as she marched into the kitchen and lose all control. Then the dream Trixie would storm from the kitchen, leaving Jim alone. As the dream faded, Jim turned to stone. Always she woke feeling guilty, then she pushed the guilt away and allowed the anger to return. This morning was no different. She forced the memory of the dream away and rolled out of bed to start the day.
After getting ready, she walked downstairs and smiled as she saw the dark, tousled head on the pillow of the couch. As the party was winding down last night, there was a knock on the door. Dan decided to drive out early so that he and Trixie could get back to Sleepyside before the afternoon. Trixie nudged him with her foot. “Hey, Liam,” she whispered, “you’re late for breakfast and the campers are throwing oatmeal.” She stepped back to view the reaction her words had.
Dan jumped to his feet, eyes still closed and mumbled, “It had better not be the brown
sugar oatmeal, that stuff’s not cheap.” He teetered for a moment then opened his eyes, which slowly came into focus. “You know, Neptune,” he growled, “one day that won’t work on me.”
Impishly, Trixie smiled, “maybe, but I’m going to enjoy it as long as I can Breakfast?”
“Yes, please, but not oatmeal. Next year we’re getting a different cook. I miss eggs and pancakes so much during the summer...suddenly I’m hungry.”
“How about,” Trixie began as she heard the shower blasting upstairs, “I fix the four of us a brunch Moms would be proud of?”
“Sounds good to me,” came a voice from the stairs. They turned to see Honey running a comb through wet hair. “I’m excited about working with Mother on this fundraiser, but really bummed about missing the break in Sleepyside. Everything is perfect for rides through the preserve and your moms’ cocoa and brunches and lunches and dinners and fresh apples from the orchard and...”
Dan and Trixie burst into laughter.
Puzzled hazel eyes looked at them, “What?”
“You sound like MART!” Trixie exclaimed.
“Who sounds like Mart? He’s here? He’s not supposed to be here! He’s at Penn State for a football game I can’t get to!” Diana’s hurt tone drifted down the stairs. “Of course, I don’t like football, but I sure like Mart!”
Honey, Trixie and Dan made gagging noises.
“Hey!” called Diana, affronted, “I can HEAR you!” Trixie thought about how wonderful her friends were. She could laugh with them, cry with them and enjoy their company, though she would be glad to be without them this break. She was going to relish the time to be by herself.
* * *
“Why is Sleepyside the prettiest place in the world?” Trixie mused, looking out the window as Dan drove along Glen Road. “We have the same type of trees at school. The same hills and valleys, but everything here is perfectly perfect!”
“It’s like being in love. When you’re in love with someone, you don’t see the flaws, just the beauty and perfection.” Dan looked at Trixie, proud of his analogy. However he noticed that she had that closed look on her face that he was seeing far too often. His pride was replaced by anger, both at himself for not thinking (though in his opinion it was high time that Trixie start moving on), and at Jim Frayne for changing Trixie’s open personality. Dan wondered if Jim told anyone what was going on in his head. Probably not. For as long as they’d been friends, Jim never revealed much of the inner workings of his soul to Dan. Sometimes that surprised him. They had so much in common. They could have helped each other. The Bob-Whites, except for Trixie, didn’t know that Dan had been in counseling since he came to Sleepyside. Counseling would have done Jim a world of good...but it wasn’t his business. He drew his attention back to Trixie.
“I guess,” she finally replied. “I hope that I always love it here. It would be a disappointment to see the tarnish on the silver.” She laughed ruefully.
Dan thought a moment. “You know,” he said slowly, “I think you do see the faults of
Sleepyside. You know there are problems. You know the shady dealing on Hawthorn Street. It doesn’t surprise you that people litter, or that the kids at the high school stab each other in the back. You accept them, but see past to the heart of the town: the goodness of most of the people, the traditions and the warmth you find here.” He hit the turn signal and pulled into the drive of Crabapple Farm. “No matter what, you’ll always feel love for this place, even if you do see the ‘tarnish.” He stopped the car.
“Yeah. Maybe.” She said sullenly. Trixie unbuckled her seatbelt, reached behind her for her bag and got out of the car.
Unwilling to let her leave in such a rotten mood, he raised his voice and called after her, “Neptune! Can you convince your mom to make her macaroni and cheese some night while we’re home? It’d be a lot better than dining hall food, and I know Mr. Maypenny loves it!”
She turned, a smile creasing her face. “Well, if it’s for Mr. Maypenny...” She turned back and walked up the porch steps into the house. Opening the screen door, she called, “Your one and only daughter has arrived home for real food!”
Bobby and Reddy thundered down the steps into the hallway, “Trixie! Ms. Stewart has a frog in a jar in her desk! No foolin’! Where’s my present!?”
“Bobby, let her breathe, please! Hi Sweetie! Come into the kitchen and have some lunch, Bobby’s going to set the table.” Her mother’s voice rang through the downstairs of the comfortable farmhouse.
“Aw Moms! Trixie should set the table, I’ve been takin’ her turn for months!” Bobby yelled as he and his sister walked into the kitchen.
Helen Belden turned from the counter where she was putting the finishing touches on a big bowl of salad. “You, Robert Michael Belden, will continue take-ING her turn because she is visit-ING and while you are sett-ING the table, you will listen to us speak-ING.”
“That’s a great idea, Moms. I think I’ll enjoy sittin’ at the table and talkin’ with you while Bobby is workin’.”
“Very funny, Ms. Smarty Pants.” Helen placed the salad on the table. A plate of fried chicken joined the wooden bowl on the table. After she got a pitcher of milk from the refrigerator, she settled herself into a chair. “Tell me how your classes are going.”
* * *
Trixie walked up the hill to the Manor House. She wondered again at how lucky she was to have such an amazing family, and live in such an incredible town as Sleepyside. She never failed to feel grateful about how her life had turned out. What other kid was as lucky as she was? Great friends, cool family and horses! When she graduated from high school, Mr. Wheeler made sure that she knew that she was always welcome to come back and ride, without Honey’s presence or calling ahead. Trixie had a long trail ride planned out in her head for today. First, she would swing by Mr. May penny’s, take him some canned pumpkin from Moms and make sure that he and Dan knew that it was macaroni and cheese night at Crabapple Farm. Then she would ride past Mr. Lytell’s to say hello and pick up a bottle of strawberry pop. When she went to college, she discovered that she had taken many things for granted, like strawberry pop and nosy neighbors who hid their caring behind a rough exterior. Finally, after a brief stop at Mrs. Vanderpoel’s for some windmill cookies, she would end her ride at the bluffs. It was the perfect stop to sit and just enjoy the outdoors.
Her train of thought had led her feet right to the Wheeler stable. She walked through the door and headed down to Susie’s stall. “Hello? Regan?” She called as she picked up her tack from its peg. “Hmm.” She thought, “He must be out.” She remember how, when she was younger, she was firmly convinced that Regan had no life. In her mind, his every waking moment was spent in stable and his non-waking moments were spent in his apartment. It amazed her to realize that she was as old now, as he had been when she met him. He’d seemed positively ancient. She laughed out loud.
Susie looked up and nickered as she heard her favorite human approach. Reaching into her pocket, Trixie pulled out a handful of carrots and offered them to the little mare. Trixie leaned over to pat Susie’s nose.
A noise from a stall further down the row attracted her attention. “I guess Regan DOES spend all his time here.” She thought. “I’ll be right back Susie, I just have to say hello to Regan.” She walked down to Jupiter’s stall, where she had heard the noise. “Regan, I’m here to exercise Susie, so that you don’t get mad and quit!” She called jokingly. Looking into Jupe’s stall, she saw the groom’s red head curry combing the long black mane–only it wasn’t Regan, it was Jim.
Startled, Jim looked up. “Trixie. Um. Hi.” His green eyes were guarded as they gazed at her. “I’d prefer if you keep at least five feet from me. Your right hook has gotten better over the years.” Trixie couldn’t tell if he was teasing or not, but that guarded look in his eyes made her think that he wasn’t.
Softly she said, “I told you that I knew I shouldn’t have hit you. I’m just not as mature as I should be I guess.”
Jim sighed and took a step closer to her. “Look, let’s just drop it. So, you and Susie have big plans for today?”
A faint smile crossed Trixie’s face, “Yep, she and I are going to head to the Cameo and catch the early matinee and then off to Wimpy’s for burgers and shakes.”
Jim almost laughed. “Trix. I wanted to...uh...” He took another step her direction.
“Yes, Jim?” Suddenly, his eyes were intense as he watched her and stepped toward her again. She held her ground as he moved even closer. Her breath caught in her throat. In her mind, she had imagined a chance meeting between them. Sometimes she imagined him apologizing profusely, expressing his undying love and proposing a lifetime together. Other times her mind provided an image of him begging forgiveness. In that little daydream, she left him standing there while a cutting remark flew from her lips. None of her imagined situations prepared her for what happened next.
Jim reached out and took her shoulders. Huskily he murmured, “Trixie, I can’t stop thinking...” He bent down and brought his lips to hers. Trixie waited for the fireworks to begin–she was expecting that Hollywood movie moment of the Earth moving or time standing still. When she didn’t feel a huge intense emotion, she expected to feel disappointed. However, what she did feel was something Hollywood directors or romance novelists never describe: peace, a feeling of rightness, of coming home. She was fully aware of Jupiter standing nearby, fully aware of Jim’s strong arms holding tight, of the scent of autumn around her. It was simple. It was the way things should be. Just as Trixie was beginning to register the fact that she was where she knew she should be, Jim pulled away.
Her eyes opened and she looked up. Her feeling of calm was immediately shattered when she noticed the emotion filling Jim’s eyes: fear. Fear? Jim staggered backward, careening into Jupiter. His eyes blazed. Though gritted teeth he muttered, “Trixie.” He stopped and turned away from her. She could see the tension across his broad shoulders. “How could you? What do you think you’re doing!” He turned his back to her. “You never think! You’re not worth the pain!”
Speechless, Trixie wheeled around and fled to Susie’s stall. She led Susie outside, swung her leg over the mare’s back and galloped into the preserve.
Part V
unknowing captor you'll never know how much you pierce my spirit but I can't touch you can you hear it a cry to be free or I’m forever under lock and key as you pass through me
Susie thundered toward the trees without guidance from her rider. It was experience and instinct that kept Trixie in the saddle. Tears blinded her eyes. What had she done? It was Jim who had made the first move–or was it? Maybe it had been her. Maybe she was remembering wrong. Then she remembered something Jim said and her tears vanished instantly, replaced by anger. She wasn’t worth the pain? What was she worth then? That stupid, insensitive, boorish, unreasonable.....she couldn’t even think of any more words she was so angry. Realizing that her anger wasn’t really safe for either her or Susie, Trixie pulled back gently on the reins slowing Susie to a walk.
For the millionth time, she asked herself what she had done wrong. Replaying in her head every conversation she could remember and rereading every email she saved shed no light on the subject. Their communication was always clear, or so she thought. They talked about everything. She kept no secrets from Jim, but maybe he kept secrets from her. Maybe he was unhappy about the limits of their physical relationship; it wasn’t easy for her to wait, but maybe he just couldn’t handle it....no, it couldn’t be. Maybe there was someone else. Well, duh, there was someone else: Jodi. Jodi was tall, thin and mysteriously beautiful. Trixie knew there was nothing mysterious about her appearance; her emotions showed clearly on her open, honest face. Couldn’t Jim see how much he hurt her, or did he just not care?
Behind her, came the sound of hoof beats. Turning in the saddle, Trixie saw Dan approaching on Mr Maypenny’s new horse, Spartan Too. He raised a hand in greeting, “Hey there, Neptune. How goes your time for you?”
“Oh Liam,” she wailed, “I just saw Jim at the stables and he kissed me and it was wonderful.”
Dan’s jaw dropped.
“And then he said that I wasn’t worth it.”
Outraged, Dan demanded, “he said WHAT?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe he didn’t say that. I don’t really remember...” Tears were threatening to fall again.
“Ok, Trixie,” Dan said, “I’ve been supportive of you and I’ve kept quiet about this whole situation because both you and Jim are my friends, but this is completely unbelievable. It’s like he’s been taken over by aliens,” he stopped at looked over at her. She was crying uncontrollably–again. “Let’s go to Mr. Maypenny’s and get you some tea.”
Wordlessly, she nodded and they headed to the cabin. When they got there, they put the horses in the barn to rest with some feed and water and walked across the small clearing to the little log house. Once inside, Dan put the teapot on to boil and got out mugs for tea. Trixie sat listlessly at the small kitchen table. He poured the water over the teabags and spooned sugar into the mug for Trixie. He pulled out the chair across from her and sat down. “So,” he began in his direct way, “the way I see it, you have two choices: One, you can talk to Jim about how you’re feeling and take the chance of being miserable, but have everything out in the open or two, you can NOT talk to Jim and be miserable anyway.”
“I do have a third choice,” she said in a small voice, “I can move on, find someone new and just get on with my life.” She looked across the table at Dan. “Maybe there is a person that I know who’d like to take a chance with someone like me.” Her voice was strong and brave, as she gazed into his dark eyes, but her eyes wavered as she spoke.
Dan took her small hands in his. “Trixie,” he stated firmly, “you know that would be a bad idea.”
She cut him off before he could continue, “Yeah, I know. I’m not the type of girl you need in your life. You need someone intelligent and worthwhile and ...”
Now it was his turn to stop her speech. “That’s enough! You are intelligent and worthwhile and beautiful and any guy would be lucky to have you.”
“Why doesn’t Jim want me?” she pleaded.
Dan laughed in spite of himself. Trixie looked at him confusedly. “Trix, you just asked me to be your rebound guy and when I told you how wonderful you are, your mind jumped right back to Jim.” He waited for her to see the humor in the situation. She didn’t.
“Well,” Standing, she grabbed her backpack that had come inside with her. “Here’s some pumpkin preserve for Mr. Maypenny. The two of you are invited to dinner tonight. We’re going to start the cook out around six. Thanks for the tea.” Trixie returned to Susie and mounted. Trixie needed to find peace. She directed Susie to a spot along the bluffs. Dismounting, she wrapped the reins around a branch so that the horse wouldn’t wander away. She slung her backpack over her shoulder and meandered aimlessly around the area. The signs warning people from the edge were prominently placed every twenty yards or so. She remembered the night that she had risked her life to save the life of Jim’s cousin. Looking back now, Trixie wondered if she would have the courage to do it again. She wasn’t sure. Risk taking wasn’t a skill she practiced much anymore.
The week after Juliana and Hans got married, she and Jim had taken a trail ride and ended up out here. It had begun as a lecture about risk taking, but Jim had run out of steam early on when he saw Trixie’s determination and they ended up just sitting and enjoying the view. It became a place for the two of them. When either one was feeling upset or frustrated, this was where they came. Trixie hadn’t come here since Jim broke up with her. It just hadn’t seemed right. Today, though, for what she was planning, it was right. When she told Dan about wanting to move on with her life, it was a serious statement. It was necessary she get away from the pain that was consuming her. She wanted to be free. Now it was time for the first step.
Trixie moved to a group of boulders to her left. There was a small hole among them. She reached into her backpack and pulled out the cedar box that Jim had given to her. Placing the box in the depression by the boulders, tears began to spill from her eyes. No, she would not cry. This was the end of her moping and crying. She was done. She stood and brushed the leaves from her jeans. She walked back to Susie, mounted and rode back toward the stables to brush the mare and clean the tack, just like everything was normal, but it wasn’t normal. Life would never be normal again.
The party was going great! His roommates had been right for talking him into throwing the shindig to end their spring break. Everyone was having fun and getting along. People were laughing and talking, keeping their minds off of the second half of the semester that was coming up. Jim was a little concerned about the alcohol situation, though. He didn’t often imbibe, but Josh and Jake insisted that he have a drink or two. Whatever they had him drinking was pretty decent, but when he thought of how much booze was in the house, he got a little concerned. If there were any underage kids there and the party got busted, he could kiss his school good-bye.
“Hey Frayne! Come over here and meet Alyssa.” Josh waved his hand at Jim, gesturing him to cross the crowded living room to the entry way of the kitchen. Jim dodged couples gyrating wildly to the music, stepped over couples embracing intimately on the low furniture, and walked past couples flirting outrageously with one another. This was the wildest party they’d ever had! “And when did it become a couple’s party? Sheesh!” He thought. Finally, he transversed the minefield of make-out to meet Josh’s friend.
Alyssa was tall, almost as tall as he, and strikingly beautiful. She had straight, deep brown hair that fell to the small of her back and her eyes were grey and transparent, with a rim of blue around the iris. “Those have to be contacts,” Jim mused. She looked like a runway model missing the catwalk, but still posing and posturing for the crowd.
“Jimmy, my man! This is Alyssa Baxter. She’s in your program and a couple of your classes.” Josh’s speech was slightly slurred as he made the introduction. He glanced at the cup in Jim’s hand, “YO JAKE! Get Jimmy some more juice! He’s getting low.”
Alyssa looked Jim up and down, “Hello, Jim. Nice to meet you for real. I have Ed. Pysch with you, but I stay toward the back. The view is better back there.” Her voice was low, sultry. “This is a great party you have here. I haven’t seen you out too much, and I have to say that the Harvard social scene is lacking without you.”
Jake wandered his way over to the three with a plastic jug in hand. Pouring a generous amount of liquid into Jim’s cup, Jake bellowed, “Hey Lyss, you having a good time? I see you’ve met our Jimmy!”
“Jake,” Rachel laughed, “you don’t have to turn up the volume on your voice, the music isn’t that loud. And yes, I’ve been making the formal acquaintance of ‘your Jimmy.’” She looked at Jim and rolled her eyes. “I didn’t realize that he could be your property. How do you feel about that, Jimmy?”
Jim laughed as well, and took a sip of the punch in his cup. It had been a while since someone joked around with him instead of about him: Jake and Josh usually teamed up against him. “Well, ma’am, they don’t often let me out of my little room in the attic, but I behaved all week.”
“Hardy har har har!” Jake guffawed.
Josh chimed in, “We know where we’re not wanted. I believe I see two lovely ladies over by the snacks might enjoy our company.” The two moved away.
“So Alyssa,” Jim began.
“Call me Lyss.”
“So, Lyss, what do you plan to do with your degree?” Jim questioned.
She looked thoughtfully at him. “I’m really not sure. Whatever I decide to do, it won’t be as important as the idea you have for the school for boys. I’m always amazed at how you can relate everything to the school. Though you had some trouble when we talked about the development level of a three-year old.”
“Well, someday I might be a father, so I need to pay attention to the developmental levels of three year olds.
She leaned in toward him, “I think you’d make a great dad. I can tell from your discussions that good parenting is really important to you.”
Jim was silent.
“Did I say something wrong? You look upset.”
“No, you didn’t say anything wrong. I was just thinking about my dad,” he paused and took another sip of his drink. “Would you like to see a photo of him?”
She nodded her head and began to follow Jim up the stairs. After climbing a step or two, Alyssa turned back toward the party, her eyes scanning the crowd, Jake and Josh gave her the ‘thumbs-up’ signal, and she disappeared into the second floor of the house.
Turning the corner into Jim’s room, she stood in the doorway and watched as he leaned over his desk. He pulled a wooden box from the back of the drawer and sat on his bed. He beckoned her closer and took another gulp of punch. His hands shook as he opened the lid and removed a small cup, a Bible and a photograph. She noticed that there were other items within, but didn’t have time to see what they were. The aroma of cedar reached her nose and she sighed.
“They’re a great looking couple, aren’t they?” Jim sighed, too, finishing his drink and placing the empty cup on the desk.
Alyssa bent closer to the photo to see them. A handsome red-haired man sat on a boulder behind a petite blonde. They smiled at the camera as if they didn’t have a care in the world. “Where was this taken?” She asked.
“Cadillac Mountain in Acadia National Park.”
She blinked her eyes at Jim, “I love Cadillac Mountain. It’s amazing up there. I always feel like I’m at the edge of the world. Your sister doesn’t look anything like them. Is she adopted?” She asked innocently.
Tears welled up in Jim’s eyes. “No, I’m the one who’s adopted. My parents died when I was young...”Jim took a deep breath, “Sorry, you’ve just met me and here I am turning into a...you must think I’m...”
“No, no, not at all,” she pushed his hair back from his forehead, “I’ve always known that there was something hidden behind those eyes of yours. They’re so intense,” she whispered. “If you need to talk, I’ll listen.”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to bother you.”
“It’s no bother. I want to...” She put her arms around him and he closed his eyes. He felt her lips on his, but his brain was so foggy from the alcohol, he couldn’t react.
“But,” he managed to get out.
“Jim, I’m here for you,” she murmured.
He woke up the next morning with a pounding headache. Slowly he sat up and tried to get his bearings. What was his box doing on his desk, and a glass of water, and two aspirins? He shook his head to try to clear it, and instantly regretted it. He looked around trying to regain his memory. On the pillow next to him was a note.
Thanks, Jimmy, for a wonderful party. I’m so glad we got to know each other. Jake and Josh were right. You did need someone to talk to. I’ll be happy to listen to you whenever you want. Lyss.
Then it registered: he wasn’t wearing his normal pajamas. In fact he wasn’t wearing...”Oh my God! What did I do?” Where was it? Where was the picture? It wasn’t in the Bible. It wasn’t in the box. Tearing around his room, Jim finally found it, buried beneath the clothes he had worn yesterday. His parents smiled up at him. How could they smile when he had....”Oh God, Trixie!” Grabbing his robe, he ran from his room and barely made it to the bathroom in time.
Ten minutes later, with his stomach still in knots, he ventured downstairs. There was a note on the fridge:
Sounded like you had fun last night! You needed it. We knew you’d like Lyss. She knows how to have grown up fun. It’s time to grow up, Jimmy.
Jim sank to the floor of the kitchen, memories coming unbidden.
“Jimmy...oh little Jimmy...it’s time to wake up...wakey...wakey.” The cold, sneering voice of his stepfather intruded on his sleep. “Time for work, Jimmy. There’s no time to be a baby, now. We’ve got work to do. Get up!” Jim was yanked from the bed and thrown to the floor. Jonesy crouched over the shaking little boy. “You wanna know something, Jimmy? I know you don’t like me, but that don’t matter, cause your mama does, and I’m staying with your mama and she’s staying with me. I bet that’s one thing your stinking father did teach you: you gotta be faithful. Well, your mama was faithful to him and now she’ll be faithful to me and be with only me. Yes, little Jimmy, I got many faults,” Jonesy stood and smiled, showing his yellowed teeth, “but I’m as faithful as they come. I ain’t never leaving.”
Jim came back to himself, slouched on the kitchen floor. How could it be? How could he be worse than Jonesy? But he was....he WAS...
now I see your face before me I would launch a thousand ships to bring your heart back to my island as the sand beneath me slips
as I burn up in your presence and I know now how it feels to be weakened like Achilles with you always at my heels and my bitter pill to swallow is the silence that I keep that poisons me I can’t swim free the river is too deep though I’m baptized by your touch I am no worse at most in love with your ghost
After the memory of that morning faded, Jim kept his back turned toward where she had been, away from the hurt in her beautiful eyes, away from the pain he caused. What did he think he was doing? he wondered for the millionth time. First he broke up with her because it was the right thing–the honorable thing–to do. Then he spent months trying to come up with excuses to be near her and talking himself out of each idea as soon as he thought it. Next, he got a girlfriend who was kind, caring and beautiful. Finally, he lost all self-control when he was alone with Trixie.
How long had they been alone together, thirty seconds? He should have made sure that he kept that five-foot buffer between them. What was he thinking?! He was so stupid. Not only was he stupid, he was completely untrustworthy. He cheated on Trixie with Alyssa, and now he cheated on Jodi with Trixie. He wasn’t worth the pain. He slammed his hand against the stable wall and leaned forward so that his head rested against the wood. He closed his eyes, trying to erase the vision of Trixie from his mind, but all he saw was her: her hair, her smile, her eyes. All he heard was her voice: its earnest, pleading tone. He needed to clear his head. Quickly, he saddled Jupiter and escaped from the stable into the Preserve.
The fading sunlight streamed through the branches, catching the leaves and setting their colors aflame as they spun through the air around him. The air had just a hint of coolness that acted as a harbinger of the evening to come. Evening? How long had he been riding? He reined Jupiter in, and began to take stock of his surroundings. In front of him, the bluffs dropped away to the river. Behind him, the Preserve darkened.
Dismounting, he wrapped the reins around a branch so Jupe wouldn’t wander away. He moved toward the edge of the bluffs and remembered one of the first times he visited this area. He had thrown himself headlong toward the cliff to save a friend, but the earth had given way under him. Trixie ended up braving the edge and performing the rescue. His heart had been in his throat the entire time. After that day, Jim tried to convince Trixie to curb her impulsive nature, but it hadn’t worked. Truthfully, he knew he didn’t try that hard. Her determination to help anyone in need was part of why he loved her. And he did love her.
Continuing his journey to the overlook, Jim marveled at the improvement of this area. His father had hired a team of geologists and engineers to stop the erosion and design a safe place for people to enjoy the beautiful panoramic view. Passing by an outcropping of rocks, Jim noticed a disturbance at the base of one of the boulders. Something, no someone, had definitely charged through here in the recent past. His eyes followed the bent grasses and churned up leaves to a small opening under the boulder. Squinting, he was able to make out a shadow in the cleft of the rock. He reached in his hand and felt something smooth. With one motion, he grasped the item and stood.
It couldn’t have been there long. There was no dirt on it, no scratches. It was so familiar to him. Didn’t it look just like the one he kept tucked into the drawer of his desk? Didn’t he open it every day? Nevertheless, he focused his green eyes on the lid. The sheen of the wood glowed warmly in the waning light. On the top of the chest was an intricate carving of a rowan tree. He recalled Trixie’s teasing him about the fact that it was basically false advertising: a rowan on a box of cedar. Her teasing had stopped, though, once he explained how the rowan tree was a symbol of his father’s name.
Gently, Jim unclasped the hinge and raised the lid: a paper rectangle, no larger than a business card, a necklace, a bracelet and–Jim sighed–a folded and wrinkled piece of paper. He couldn’t believe she kept it. He unfolded the letter and read the hurting words he himself had penned. Every stroke the pen had made on the lines had torn another piece of his heart.
You are shadowing my dreams...
Still, he was utterly convinced that his decision was the best decision he could have made for Trixie. He couldn’t expect her to stay with him. He betrayed her trust and her love. There was no other recourse but to set her free. But what if...what if she didn’t want to be free? How often he had thought that. Looking down into the green lined coffin, he knew she did want to be free. That was the way it should be, Trixie should be able to bury the memories, but he shouldn’t. He would take the memories for himself, as a reminder of his faults and failings. He would let her move on...without him.
I’m in love with your ghost...
The End
Author’s notes:
The surname Frayne comes from both French and Irish origins. It means ash tree, or rowan. The wood of the rowan has been described as “resilient.” Also, as an interesting side note, the rowan has red berries, and the color red was said to protect against witchcraft. It also represents the quality of finding it difficult to forgive.
The cedar tree represents many different qualities. The ones I liked for this story were determination and waiting for the “one true love.”
Irish Spring is a product of the Colgate-Palmolive company. Listerine is a product of the Pfizer company. I am making no money off their use.
Neptune is a name for the sea-god, which is basically what Trixie was at camp. Liam, Dan’s camp name, is a Celtic name meaning “resolute protector.”
Many thanks to my editors (in ABC order)–Amber, Chelsea and Niki. You girls are awesome.
The characters used here belong not to me, but to Random House. I’m just borrowing them to give myself some stress relief, not to get money.
The song excerpt at the beginning was from “Ghost” by the Indigo Girls. I have quoted without permission, but gave credit.
Is there a China Buffet? Probably somewhere, but I don’t know of it.