* a single expletive
You didn’t think I was going to leave it at that did you? At least now we all know what exactly Trixie was thinking. (If you haven’t yet, you might like to read "Words get in the way…" before you read this, as it will help you understand this story).
THANKS TO: The Daisycutters, whose fantastic song "Kiss Me Stupid" inspired this two sided tale; and also to Steph for giving me that last idea which helped me finish this story.
…So Kiss Me, Stupid
by Sandra
Trixie watched the beautiful setting sun, its red rays filtered by the tall trees of the Wheelers' Game Preserve. She wished she could enjoy the beauty of the afternoon. But she couldn’t. Instead, she felt like screaming.
"What do you mean, you couldn’t tell? It wasn’t half obvious."
"Obvious? To whom? You? What isn’t obvious to you, Trixie?"
"But you’re her…oh, just forget it."
Men. They have absolutely no idea. If they had brains, they’d be women.
She shook her head at her riding companion, Jim Frayne. Really, men were so clueless. Darn this band! In a fit of frustration, Trixie pulled out the blue band that kept her short curls out of her way, and put it back into the same place.
They rode along in silence for the next five minutes. Trixie was glad he didn’t speak. She was so annoyed at him. She didn’t understand why. Was it his fault that he had no idea where these things were concerned. After all, he was only a poor male.
"How is Brian taking things?" Jim asked Trixie. Trixie didn’t need to ask Jim what he was referring to. Everyone thought Brian and Honey would eventually end up together. Just like Jim and I she thought bitterly.
She snorted. "He hasn’t even realised. He is so caught up in his studying, and God knows what else. I mean, we never see him anymore. He spends all his time holed up in his room. I guess he’s studying, I don’t know. Has he said anything to you?"
"Not a thing. About anything actually. Funny thing is, neither has Honey. She just walks around the huge with this huge smile on her face. I would never have believed it actually. Dan and Honey."
Trixie could see nothing unbelievable about the blossoming romance between Dan and Honey. In fact, she was quite chuffed at the thought that she had helped bring them together.
"Why not?" asked Trixie.
"Well, I thought that Dan…" Jim stopped. He didn’t appear to want to continue.
But Trixie wasn’t going to let him off the hook easily. "Thought that Dan what?"
Jim turned, and looked her straight in the eyes. "I thought that Dan was interested in you."
Trixie turned away, and smiled as she recalled the conversation she had had on the bus with Dan three days ago. Not for one moment would she have thought that Dan would be interested in her. And why would he, when there were girls like Honey and Di around? She didn’t mind either, Dan not being interested in her. It was not he that she wanted.
Her smile faded. Stuff Dan. I can’t get Jim to do something. I know he likes me, why won’t he do a thing about it? How much longer do I have to wait?
A sick feeling filled Trixie’s stomach as a snatch of her conversation with Dan came back to her.
"You have to take your own advice. You yourself said that nothing much has happened between you and Jim. Ask him out."
Ask him out? No way! If he hasn’t said anything to me at this stage, what will he say if I ask him out? Uh, uh, ain’t gonna happen. With a nod of her head, Trixie focused her eyes on the bridle trail in front of her, and tried to put all thoughts of Jim Frayne and asking him out out of her mind.
"Jim, I think the horses have had enough. It’s starting to get a bit chilly now, I think we should go back." She began to take the trail back to the stables. She didn’t care about what he had to say to her anymore. She didn’t look at Jim. Her eyes remained focused on the path ahead of her. Her back grew straighter and her head rose higher with every step Susie took. Trixie clenched her jaw tight. There was no way she was going to let Jim Frayne know she was upset.
They rode back to the stable in complete silence. Their work after the ride was completed the same way. Trixie saw Regan, the Wheeler’s groom trying not too smile as she stalked into the stables, and Jim followed behind her. She decided to just ignore them both.
Inside, Trixie fumed. What’s it going to take him? Why can’t he just do something romantic like Dan did? Flowers, wow. She had never told him to do that, just a simple action to show Honey that he cared. That is what she said. Even Mart had written Di a letter. Why can’t HE do something?
Trixie was close to boiling point, as the resentment and frustration of many months was slowly finding its way to the surface. She was angry at Jim. He had done nothing since he had given her the I.D. bracelet on the return trip form Iowa. Just those fond looks that had her going crazy. For God’s sake man, do something!
But still, nothing. Not a single word from him.
Having finished, Trixie nodded to Regan and brushed past Jim. She all but ran back to Crabapple farm, hot tears forming in her blue eyes, threatening to run down her cheeks. When she knew she was out of sight from Jim and Regan, she brushed the tears away. There was no way she was going to let them see her cry like some baby.
Trixie walked inside quietly, wiping away the tears. As she walked upstairs to her bedroom, she heard Blink 182 blaring from Mart’s bedroom. Brian’s door was shut, and Bobby was chattering away to their mother. She closed her own door behind her, sat down on her bed and cried.
She cried with jealousy at the thought of her two best friends both having the men of their dreams. In Honey’s case, a dream she didn’t even know she had. I always knew I was ugly. As long as I can remember, Di and Honey have always been attracting the guys. Everyone knows how beautiful they are. Why did I believe people when they said I was pretty? Why? I should have known that they were just being polite. Trixie looked in the mirror. New tears welled in her eyes as she studied her appearance with the highest criticism. Curly hair which I can’t seem to do anything with. Always blowing around, getting messed up. It’s not even a nice golden blonde, but this yuk color of sand. UGH. I don’t have high cheekbones, or a nice nose even. But this pale pudgy face. And these freckles. FRECKLES. You name me one supermodel with freckles. The tears continued to roll down her face. I’m just ugly. If I wasn’t ugly, Jim would have done something by now.
With a moan, and Trixie threw herself to lay face down on the bed. Why? WHY? Why hasn’t he told me how he feels? I mean, this has been going on for two years now. Two darn years. How many fond looks am I supposed to take in two years? And Trixie dissolved into another round of sobs, until she was exhausted.
The tears ended, Trixie rolled onto her back, and stared at the ceiling, her hands behind her head. She remembered the first time she saw Jim, that hot Summer’s day, sleeping on the couch in the Miser’s mansion. He had a tough, sullen look about him, even as he slept. And just as the tears had flooded her, so too now did the memories.
Those first words of praise when Trixie had treated Bobby’s snakebite. The orchid for Diana’s Valentines Day party. That special moment when Jim gave her his ID bracelet. The look of relief on his face when Dan had asked Ruthie Kettner to the Spring Dance, leaving him free to ask Trixie.
Trixie tried to shake the other memories that her heavy heart kept bringing up. Jim pushing her into the snow.
Jim telling her for the one thousand and oneth time that she shouldn’t get involved, and let the police handle it.
Jim dancing with Dot at that dance in Iowa. Jim’s interest in Laura whatsherface, the fake whose Dad was not missing.
See! There’s always been someone around who’s prettier than you. Just face it. He’s not interested in you. A fresh wave of tears threatened to break, as anger turned to misery, and misery to self-loathing, and self-loathing to despair.
If he hasn’t done anything by now, it’s because he doesn’t want to. Because he doesn’t like me.
"Trixie!"
Trixie lay still on her bed. She didn’t want to move. She knew what her mother wanted. Set the table, keep Bobby busy. Don’t have a life. Work, work, work. Look after that brat. Dust, dust and dust some more. Deep down Trixie knew she was being unreasonable. She just wasn’t in a mood to be fair.
"TRIXIE!"
"Yeah, I’m coming. Hold your horses." Trixie instantly regretted being so harsh, and hoped that her mother didn’t hear her. She walked out of her room into the bathroom. She looked into the mirror once more. Again, nothing she saw gave her pleasure. She pulled a face at her own miserable reflection. Trixie washed her face thoroughly, trying to remove any traces of her tears. As she breathed in the freshness of the clean towel, Trixie felt new tears form. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing them to disappear, and then wiped her eyes with her hands. Breathing out, Trixie walked out of the bathroom and downstairs to the kitchen, where her mother was just lighting the grill.
"Trixie dear, can you set the table please? Only for five of us, Mart is going out."
"Sure Moms." Trixie worked as though on automatic pilot, not giving any thought to her task. She could hear Bobby in the background, still chattering away.
"When that’s done Trixie, could you please keep Bobby busy?"
"Aw, I can keep myself busy. I’m making a book."
"Trixie can help you." Yeah, I can help. Why don’t you draw a squirrel? No? What about a rabbit? Reddy’s not chasing a rabbit? Well what is he doing? No, Reddy doesn’t do that. No Bobby, I am NOT going to draw Reddy jumping through a flaming hoop. He is not a circus animal. Blah, blah, blah.
Hey Bobby, why don’t you draw Jim jumping through a flaming hoop? Maybe his clothes could catch on fire, and he would be badly burned, and I would throw a bucket of cold water over him, which would just coincidentally be at hand. And he will be so grateful, and he’ll take me in his arms, and say- "Only five Trixie"
Huh?
"Only five places dear, you’ve set for six." Trixie shook her head, and began to remove the plate, glass and cutlery.
"Sorry. Guess I wasn’t concentrating." She hoped her mother wouldn’t press her further. Luckily, Helen was consulting a recipe book.
"Moms, is there enough food for six? Jim’s coming over." Trixie froze, and held her breath as her mother answered her eldest son.
"Of course Brian, you know Jim is always welcome here."
"Thanks Moms." Trixie heard the distant murmuring of her brother on the phone. Her hands shook as she reset the things she just removed. Jim’s coming for dinner. Jim’s going to be here. I’m not hungry anymore. I don’t want dinner. Hey, maybe if I don’t eat for two years, I can be skinny like Honey and Di. I know, I’ll start tonight. Yeah, I know I’ll also die, but…Trixie didn’t finish that thought.
She finished her job, and then joined her brother in the living room.
"What are you making a book about Bobby?"
I can’t face him tonight.
"Reddy and the Jump." Bobby continued to draw.
"What can I help you with?" Trixie liked Bobby to work as independently as possible.
What am I going to say to him?
"Nothing. Just stay here in case I can’t spell a word." Bobby searched the big box of crayons, and selected a bright red one.
Trixie sat back against the comfortably worn couch, and closed her eyes. Her stomach churned at the thought of dinner. Not even Moms’ BBQ ribs seemed appetising.
"Trixie! TRIXIE!"
Trixie opened one eye. It was always an emergency with Bobby. "HMM?"
"I lost my black crayon. Get me my black crayon."
Trixie sighed. She knew she spoiled Bobby sometimes. It was just worth the peace. "Where is it?"
"Outside."
"Where is it outside?"
"I left it with the chickens." It was like pulling teeth sometimes.
"Why did you leave it with the chickens?" She could just imagine the black crayon, covered with things fowl.
"I was writing my name on my egg that I wanted for breakfast tomorrow. It was nice and big and brown and-"
Trixie rose. She really didn’t want to hear anymore. "I’ll go and get it. Wait here." Writing names on eggs? What next? As she walked through the kitchen, her stomach rumbled at the delicious aroma. Maybe she could eat after all. She opened the back door. The rumbles disappeared, to be replaced by butterflies.
Jim Frayne stood in the doorway, his hand raised, ready to knock. God but he was gorgeous. But he didn’t love her. Get over it Belden. "Come in Jim." He walked past her, into the kitchen, where he was greeted enthusiastically by Bobby and Reddy. Trixie let the door close, the crayon forgotten. All she could think about was Jim. Trixie felt the tears welling up in her eyes. Not again. Stop your tears, Belden, he’s just a male. But this wasn’t any male.
This was Jim.
Trixie quietly walked past Jim, preparing to go up the stairs. She decided against it as she heard her mother tell Jim that dinner would be ready in ten minutes. As Jim turned to climb the stairs himself, once more he drew face to face with her. Trixie’s heart beat wildly. Will he say something? Anything? What will I say?
And as Jim Frayne walked past her, Trixie thought her heart would break all over again.
Fresh tears filled her eyes. She bit her bottom lip, which trembled dangerously, and blinked back the tears.
"Here Trixie." Her mother handed her a tissue. Trixie through her arms around her mother, and rested her head on her mothers breast, crying, just as she did when she was a little girl. Helen said nothing, but held her daughter, patting the short blonde curls as the twilight filled the warm Belden kitchen.
Dinner was a dismal affair, despite the culinary masterpieces that were the daily fare at Crabapple Farm. Bobby was sulking because Trixie had not fetched his black crayon. Trixie spent most of the meal with her eyes downcast pushing the food around her plate. Brian mumbled monosyllables when asked a question, and also picked at his food. Jim ate all that was placed before him, but his pale face indicated that he was not all that comfortable with it. Helen and Peter exchanged many glances during the somber meal. When Peter glanced at Trixie with raised eyebrows, Helen responded by glancing at Jim. Peter nodded in comprehension. He tilted his head almost imperceptibly in Brian’s direction. Helen’s slight raising of the shoulders was almost as invisible, but it told Peter enough. Dinner was indeed a dismal affair.
She wasn’t sure how she did it, but Trixie managed to clear the table without looking up. She could not bear the thought of looking up and meeting Jim’s eyes again. She began to fill the sink with water, watching as the suds formed on the surface. One by one, Trixie piled the glasses and cups in the hot soapy water. One by one Trixie washed each glass, and placed it on the sink to drain. That completed, she began on the cups. As she picked up the second cup, it slipped from her hands, falling back into the sink. Water splashed everywhere as the cup lay in fragments at the bottom.
With a frustrated cry, Trixie tried to pick up the pieces. As she realised that the cup was smashes into tiny splinters as well as large pieces, she burst into tears. She wept tears of frustration. Nothing was going right in her life. She wept tears of misery. Would she ever get over this rejection? She wept tears of anger. Stupid coffee cup.
"Don’t worry about it Trixie. It’s just a cup."
Trixie whirled around, splashing water on Jim Frayne as she reached to dry her hands on the tea towel.
"Just a cup? Just a stupid cup? You think that’s why I am crying? For one lousy, stupid. stinking CUP?" Trixie knew she was yelling, but she didn’t care. The tears disappeared and her cheeks flamed. Her blue eyes flashed with anger. "How stupid are you? You think that’s what I care about? I couldn’t give a damn about the cup. Or this one, (SMASH!), or this one even, (SMASH!)" She picked up the fourth cup, and held it up. "And what do you think I care about this one?" Jim quickly reached forward, and caught the cup just as she dropped it. Still wet, it slipped from his grasp and hit the floor. He cringed as the sound of breaking china reverberated throughout the house.
"So what do you care about then?" he retorted..
"You really want to know?" she questioned angrily.
"Yes, I really want to know." He spoke quieter, hoping to calm her down. She grew angrier.
"You have no idea have you? You have no idea about me? You’ve known me for two years, yet you still don’t know me. What I think, and what I feel. And what’s more, you don’t care." She turned back to the sink and began to scoop out the large pieces of the broken cups, placing them to the side.
"You think I don’t care?"
"I know you don’t."
"Oh, and how do you know that?"
She turned to face him again. "I just do. Look I really don’t want to discuss it, I have dishes to clean." Once again she turned back to the sink. Neither spoke as she cleaned up the mess she had made. Darn him, at least he could offer to help me. But he didn’t offer. And she did not ask him. When there were no more bits of china in the sink and on the floor , and she returned to the task of washing the dishes. She knew he was still there, but she was not going to speak to him. Not while the tears were flooding her eyes again.
"I’m sorry."
She wiped her eyes with her left arm, not caring if he noticed. It didn’t matter any more. "What for?"
"I’m sorry it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to."
I can’t believe it. So he never wanted it to happen? She clenched her jaw, trying hard not to yell at him again. She never thought anything would hurt as much as this did. How could he apologise like this? How insensitive was he?
"Yeah? Well, life’s just like that isn’t it?" she retorted sarcastically, trying to keep her voice even.
"No need for sarcasm, I’m trying to be nice here." Trixie could hear Jim getting angry again.
"Nice? You call that apology nice?"
"Look, I am sick of you taking all this out on me. I’m sorry that Dan likes Honey and not you, but I hardly think it’s my fault. I don’t know what planet you’re on, but I AM only trying to be nice. Why can’t you, I mean, just for a change, try and- " What? Sorry that Dan likes Honey and not you? He thinks I like Dan? He thinks I like DAN? But where would he think that from? Is that why-? Hang on, what was that? "-you have no idea how hard it has been for me, watching you heartbroken over Dan, and me wishing it was me instead. Though sometimes I don’t know why I bother. You females are all so unpredictable."
Trixie started laughing.
Jim grew frustrated. "What?"
She turned around. "Oh, Jim, you are stupid. So very, very stupid."
"What?"
"Please kiss me."
"What?"
"Jim, just kiss me."
Surprised, angry and pleased, Jim did not wait to be asked again. He took Trixie’s wet hands in his own dry ones. Trixie closed her eyes. Her heart stopped momentarily as she felt the softness of Jim’s lips on hers. As they pulled apart, Jim put his arms around her. Trixie rested her head on his shoulder. She smiled as she remembered the pact she had made with Dan. She did it. She had come through. Well, someone had to.
"Trixie, I…"
"No words Jim. Words get in the way." She sighed. "Just kiss me, Stupid."
And he did.
The End